The year is 2022. Yogurt is $6 a quart. Starbucks is one of the top 10 largest banks in the world. And all of your fantasy teams are daggered because you drafted Kyle Pitts in the second round. Every team, every time: Pitts, Pitts, Pitts. It was like you were drafting your team based on lithium futures. Now we’re 25% of the way through the season, and you’ve got a 1-3 record (you swear it’s Jameis Winston’s fault) and Kyle Pitts has seen fewer passes than me at Fantasy Football Singles Night (fortunately for you, I’m taken). Now, you’ll need to navigate Week 5 without the Tight End you love to worry about. It’s — literally — the Pitts.
Before we jump to the text that Reddit once called “The biggest waste of time since watching the Rings of Power,” let’s see who is listed as OUT at the time of writing:
Worth Worrying About
Amon-Ra St. Brown: ARSB — which, I might add, is the greatest acronym since ADIDAS — is questionable for Sunday. Despite your favorite Twitter doctors prescribing colloidal silver to people they’ve never met and prematurely pronouncing ARSB as “out,” the truth is that ARSB is actually questionable. Say that again, but with a lot of breathy exhalations like you just ran around the yard trying to pretend you were a running back for the Lions. Because, Frank Lee — listen up, Frank! — the Lions are basically like Season 3 of The Walking Dead, where you had enough character capital to love the players but you knew their days were numbered. D’Andre Swift is out. D.J. Chark is out. Donkey Teeth is out — like you had to wonder. Last week, Jared Goff and T.J. Hockenson nearly won somebody a million bucks, only to be outdone by the even more superior combo of Geno Smith and D.K. Metcalf. What a world! If ARSB plays, you’re starting him, but also giving Josh Reynolds and T.J. Hockenson a couple extra percent in your exposures because this offense has been winning leagues so far.
Kyle Pitts: “Nothing Major,” says Arthur Smith about Kyle Pitts’ hamstring injury. I remember when Matthew Modine said he was doing “nothing major” to Eleven’s brain. Never trust an 80s actor! The outcomes sound fine for Pitts and we can’t be terribly worried about Pitts’ rest of season outcomes at this point. Believe it or not, top players can be pretty meh for upwards of 1/3 of the season — sure it’s not convenient, but we’ve gotta ride out the tough times if we want the sweet, sweet glory. Bench Pitts this week, think about somebody like Irv Smith Jr. or Evan Engram as a replacement if you need one.
Dak Prescott: I dunno, do we want Dak back? He’s theoretically “practicing,” but only practicing in that way that’s not meaningful for fantasy players. It’s meaningful in the sense of Kaizen, or the Japanese notion of “Winging it because the next available QB on the waiver wire is Carson Wentz.” The alphabet news agencies are talking about how Cooper Rush is the next Tom Brady, but for fantasy managers, Cooper Rush is QB25 on a per game basis. Yuck. ENYWHEY. Dak didn’t practice this week, but that doesn’t stop the Steerboys from pushing him out on Sunday. In the off chance that he starts in Week 5, I’d avoid. Could Dak appear in Week 6? What am I? David Blaine? Also, lemme outta this box that’s filled with cyanide.
Jameis Winston: Because Winston’s spine is made out of taffy, Andy Dalton appears set to start for the Saints in Week 5. That really shouldn’t matter, given the potpourri of players that scored for the Saints in Week 4 — not to mention the fact that Will Lutz can apparently kick a ball farther than Tiger Woods can drive on a straight fairway. Also, I don’t follow golf whatsoever so fill up my comments with stories about how I’m wrong about everything — it’ll drive the SEO wild! What’s really weird is that the Week 5 Saints/Seahawks has the [checks notes] Saints as the favorites. By a lot. Like, -225 a lot. Hmm. Andy Dalton and Taysom Hill somehow beating the new look Seahawks by a touchdown? Geno Smith is the hottest thing since the Plank limit. If you’re the betting type, you might want to chuck a couple extra bucks at the Seahawks right now before the betting shops fix that line.
Alvin Kamara: Speaking of Saints that sink your season (I love alliteration!), everybody’s favorite DNP of Week 4 is again questionable for week 5. Maybe it was some bad bangers? OK, I’ve never eaten true British food but I’ve watched enough Bake Off to know that Baker Mayfield sucks. Whatever. Welcome to fantasy football, where you’re starting your top RB because they can pull off 150 yards from scrimmage with a broken leg. Also, for the 5th week in a row, I would not start Mark Ingram in Kamara’s place. Also also, the return of the preposition: Latavius Murray, who vultured a touchdown for the Saints in Week 4, is now employed at the bake shop called the Broncos. Who does that even leave on the Saints roster? Tony Jones? The Saints stars look great on Madden but they’re a disaster for 2022 fantasy football so far. Start Kamara if he shows up, but fingers crossed that he’s not a last minute OUT.
David Montgomery: Questionable, and I hope you traded off Khalil Herbert while you had the time. In 2021 — back when I was hip and fit and ready for my call to Dancing with the Stars — Herbert had like 20 total carries when Montgomery was healthy. Yeesh. Now it’s 2022 and I’m still waiting for my duet with Ruben Stoddard, and I’m still waiting for David Montgomery to come back and get 20 carries per game. If Monty plays, you’ve got a better-than-average chance that Herbert is fantasy irrelevant. Monty will probably be irrelevant too, but at least you’re not expecting much from him due to the injury.
Tyreek Hill / Jaylen Waddle: You know what it’s like when bros get hurt at the same time? This is what it sounds like, when Bros cry [ding, ding-ding, ding ding ding-ding]. Touchdown Teddy Bridgewater takes over for Tua Tagovailoa and he’ll do so with some banged-up receivers against Zach Wilson and the Jets. Don’t worry, that last sentence was just me trying to get the Google algorithm to notice this article with “Zach Wilson” and “banged” keywords. If you find yourself like a SeaWorld employee without one of your top Dolphins, consider Romeo Doubs or Marquez Valdes-Scantling as a replacement. Also also also — the triplicate — Doubs starts early in London so don’t delay, get your backup today!
Brian Robinson: The man is 2/9ths of the way to being 50 Cent and we’re already talking about his status as savior of your fantasy team. That’s right: a third-round draft pick for the Washington Commanders will resurrect your team every Sunday. Whatever. I’ve had tons of questions about Brian Robinson, and I can’t promise you anything. Third round RB. Shot twice, like 2 months ago. Has never touched the NFL field. His competition, Antonio Gibson, is RB18 on the year. Like, that’s not bad. You ever be top 50% of what you do and get fired? [stares at my FantasyPros ranking]. Still here, ain’t I? Robinson probably won’t play in Week 5, but he’ll need to be on the active roster before Week 7. I’m not selling the farm to acquire Robinson — there’s a ton of risk with moderate return, and I’d bet most fantasy managers who roll with BRob feel like they got played at the end of the year. Saturday morning update: B-Rob is on the active roster and eligible to play on Sunday. Very low odds that he’s useful for normal fantasy, but give him some exposure in multi-entry DFS.
All right friends, family, folx, and Tolkien fiends! Let me know how I can direct your fantasy successes in Week 5.