Rankings, Week 2: Do the Deux

Period	Rank	Overall	High	Low	Percentile
Week 1	56.80%	54 out of 137	62.80%	46.30%	Top 40%
2014	58.10%	31 out of 125	60.70%	50.60%	Top 25%

But seriously, don’t. Mountain Dew is probably the most disgusting thing out there unless you’re in high school or play World of Warcraft. Anyways, it’s now time for Week 2 Rankings folks! Why? You know why! Like I stated in our Week 1 Rankings, it’s because the world needs rankings. Nay, the world demands it. To be really honest, what’s the point of writing about fantasy football if not to start arguments over subjective numerical values? If you answered “there is no point!” (exclamation point inflection required, which I guess is an obtuse way of saying: YELL IT!), well then, you win this cookie. This cookie right here. Oh, you don’t see the cookie? That’s probably because I just ate it. So you get no cookie. Just the teasing of said cookie. Great, now I’m hungry for more cookies. Thanks ya jerk!

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Who Are These Guys?, Week 2: Dalton and the Double Deuce

by: malamoney

In 1989, James Dalton gave us three simple rules. One, never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected. Two, take it outside. Never start anything inside the bar unless it’s absolutely necessary. And three, be nice. I bet most of you had no idea that Dalton’s first name was actually James. And for those of you that have no idea who Dalton is, shame on you! Close your browser, get yourself a six pack of brewskis and a bottle of Jack and watch Road House. Dalton, portrayed by the late Patrick Swayze, was one of the toughest, ass kicking dudes in movie history. Recruited by the owner of The Double Deuce, a rowdy dive bar in Missouri, Dalton moves from NYC to take over security and help clean up the violence that is destroying the bar. Dalton is a professional “cooler”, or bouncer for those of you less informed readers. Despite being able to handout a beatdown like it’s his job (which it is), Dalton doesn’t actually like violence. He has a degree in philosophy and practices thai chi. This, however, does not keep him from literally ripping Jimmy’s throat out with his bare hands. Bottom line, Road House is one bad ass film. From Jasper, Missouri we travel nearly 650 miles east to Cincinnati. From one Dalton to another. My lineup of waiver wire fodder is led at quarterback by The Red Rifle, aka Andy Dalton. No relation to James.

Here’s the complete lineup…

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Smokey Says: Head West for Blowouts

September 16, 2015 | 2015 Buy/Sell, 2015 Fantasy Football | 42 Comments

by: Smokey

Everyone likes running back depth, Jay likes it [Jay’s Note: Can confirm, I do like it.], Tehol loves it smothered in onions and soy sauce. You get the point, everyone needs it, wants it, covets it. How about owning someone who is getting glanced over this week because in some situations there is a better waiver wire add on the same team. Crazy to think about, even better to rationalize. So when all the stat heads and waiver jockeys scour the waiver wire and grab the Titans RB1 in Bishop Sankey (if he isn’t owned, of course), turn your gaze to Terrance West. The Brown outcast, who, guess what? Gets the Browns this week. It’s like a made-for-TV movie on the Hallmark channel starring Jaleel White as Terrance West and Malcolm Jamal Warner as Sankey. It’s called Running Titans and it’s playing this week on Sunday only in select fields… okay, okay, it’s on one field, and it’s in Cleveland. So who wants to buy in on some revenge game lovin’? That was rhetorical…

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FanDuel, Week 2: Time to Foles

September 16, 2015 | 2015 Daily Fantasy, 2015 Fantasy Football | 16 Comments

by: Zach

I like writing about Daily Fantasy Football, which is how I got the position of writing about Daily Fantasy Football for Razzball. It all started with an email. I emailed some guy named Jason Long, or Longfellow, or Jason, or Jay, or Jay Long, Jay Wrong etc. about covering Fanduel for Razz. I got a very interesting response. Anything strike you as odd or interesting here? Anything at all? I before E, Jay. I before E! [Jay’s Note: I’m totally human sometimes! It sucks.]

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Disgraces and Delights, Week 2: In the Palmer of Your Hand

September 16, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 Weekly Rankings | 172 Comments

by: LT Murray IV

Greetings! Talk about a fun Week 1, eh! Well, that is unless you were drilled like a Kardashian sister at an after party during NBA All-Star weekend. Let me share something with you, something that comes from the bottom of my heart… the worst, and frankly ONLY negative that comes with this job is doling out what turns in to being horrid advice. My eyes bleed rain like the Niagara Falls when I go back through the comment section and see even ONE awful call. Knowing that I may have lost one reader, one Beddict supporter, is almost too much to bear. Say one thing for Tehol Beddict, he’s an emotional man-god. With that being said, there’s no job I could possibly enjoy more in the world than talking fantasy football and mildly entertaining the four of you who actually read my posts. It brings more joy to my life than licking it’s own butt hole does to a Doberman. Maybe I’m just extra emo this week, due to that excruciatingly disgusting Seahawks road loss, but I just wish everyone could win, because losing blows Mastodon you know what.

Anyways, now that week one is in the books and we have a better idea of how some of these players are going to be utilized, let’s bang out in Week 2, y’all!! My rankings are below and will be updated throughout the week as injury statuses are updated. I am Tehol Beddict, and this Disgrace/Delight! Take heed!

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Through the Wire, Week 2: My Johnson has a Woodhead

September 15, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 Waiver Wire | 127 Comments

by: Geoff

So there we have it, one week in the books and I already hate all but one of my fantasy teams. I mean I have eight, one would think I should at least like two, maybe even three, but noooooooooo… I like one. Is it me or is Fantasy Football the most frustrating thing in the world? All it takes is one week and you realize your team is awful, all your sleepers are overhyped busts, and the guys you avoided are all-pros. Two bench players and one of your first five picks is done for the season. Your quarterback looks like he couldn’t make the Montreal Alouettes, all of your running backs are on the losing end of their respective committees, and the season just started. Fantasy Football is like dating the Natasha Henstridge’s character in Species. She’s beautiful, she knows her way around for a good time, and is eager to mate. This is what I like to call the honeymoon phase following the draft. Then you find out she’s trying to mate so she can produce offspring to kill off the human race, and will probably puncture your skull with her tongue as soon as she has a chance. So let’s call the “Puncture Your Skull With Her Tongue” phase Week 1. Mostly because that’s how it feels, but also because “Puncture Your Skull With Her Tongue” phase is a mouthful and Week 1 is just much shorter. So what can we do but hang our heads in shame and head to the wire to seek out suitable replacements? Here’s some of the claims I’m placing to save my fleet of sinking ships…

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Bear or Bull: DirecTV Manning

September 15, 2015 | 2015 Buy/Sell, 2015 Fantasy Football | 20 Comments

by: Son

Peyton Manning… or Really High Voice Peyton Manning…?

Both stunk up the joint Sunday against the Baltimore Ravens. He, or “they” looked like a guy that spent Friday and Saturday smoking tons of that wacky tobacky and ordering endless amounts of Papa John’s Pizza. Speaking of Papa John’s and wacky tobacky, does anyone find it just a wee bit coincidental that the same year Peyton Manning joined the Broncos is the same year Colorado legalized marijuana for recreational use? And Manning just happened to buy a gazillion Papa John’s throughout the state? GENIUS!

So Manning ended Sunday’s game against the Baltimore Ravens, throwing 24/40, 175 yards and 1 interception…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Hit it or Quit it, Week 2: Green with Envy

September 15, 2015 | 2015 Buy/Sell, 2015 Fantasy Football | 56 Comments

by: Jennifer

Welcome back, my loyal horde, to another episode of Hit it or Quit it with yours truly. Hopefully you are all still alive and well, have not committed yourselves to some psych unit somewhere, and are not on suicide watch after that abysmal week one performance by your first round picks. I, for one, took a massive hit this week and ended up going a sad 3-3 in my leagues. Despite me telling you all last week to pick up Dion Lewis, many of you had doubts. While I, on the other hand, completely FORGOT to start him which contributed to many of my abysmal losses. Oh well, enjoy it while it lasts, because I will not be that lazy again. And for some of you, my “Black Widow Curse” obliterated any chance of you beating me in the coming weeks again. So hopefully you haven’t pulled a scrotum or taco with all of those knee-jerk reactions yet, and you will take heed before you head to the waiver wire this week. So, without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, degenerates and ex-cons, I give you the Week 2 version of Hit it or Quit it…

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Fantasy 101: Eli Spreading His Seed

September 15, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 Roster Strategy | 5 Comments

by: KVC

Hello fellow Razzballians. Now that the season has officially begun, it is time for a paradigm shift. That paradigm shift is hitting the switch from “preseason ranking” to “regular season reality”. As the season progresses, your preseason rankings (and ours!) will matter less and less. And if you will follow that logic one step further, then the round (or money spent, for you auctioneers out there) in which you drafted a particular player becomes less important. Or at least it should. Mentally and emotionally, it is very hard to bench, trade, or drop a first or second round player. However, once the season the starts, your success is based on trades, waiver wire moves, and having the guts to bench your second round player when it is necessary. Your success is not based on how well your team looked after the draft. More so, it is based on how well your team looks after Week 8, when injuries and bye weeks cripple teams. Now with that all being said, I want to look at the New York Football Giants for a little bit. And more specifically, Eli Manning and his long list of productive receivers. (While this may be a little lengthy, I promise I will tie it all back in at the end).

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Tiny Darren Still Tiny

September 15, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 153 Comments

by: Jay

“PULL BRADFORD!” – Eagles Fans from the first snap to the second half, and then again in the fourth quarter. They’re nothing if not consistent.

Granted, I think that was the longest I’ve ever seen Sam Bradford play, but as I alluded to in yesterday’s round-up, the NFC East is crucial when it comes to developing, producing, and delivering derp. In fact, the most surprising part is how the Giants, Eagles, and Cowboys are reaching closer and closer to Washington in derp levels. Something like a tide lifts all boats type of strategy perhaps. The first half was interesting, in that I couldn’t really deduce what exactly was going on… was Chip Kelly’s innovations on offense suffering because the Falcons defense was actually trying (something they hadn’t implemented in years), or was Chip Kelly’s innovations just so next level, his goal was to get the punting team to take the field as quickly as possible? One can never know, and I’ll admit, I didn’t know until things went back to semi-normal in the third quarter, where the Eagles scored 14 unanswered points on the tiny back of Darren Sproles, who was located on your fantasy bench. And all of this was against the prototypical Kyle Shanahan offense, which had like 600-yards and just two touchdowns… But of course, in Eagles fashion, with the chance to drive down the field with two minutes to go and win the game, Bradford threw a pass to Jordan Matthews only to see it hit off his hands into the Falcons defense (shown above). I’m pretty sure the NFC East will just be taking a sabbatical this year… And as for the Vikings vs. 49ers game… I don’t really want to talk about it. Let’s just say the entire game reminded me of some kind of avant-garde Burning Man exhibition piece. In a civilized country, both of those teams would have gotten the help they needed…

New to Daily Fantasy Football? I am too! I’m trying out this new free FanDuel’s contest, where half the league is guaranteed to win. If you want, you can join up with me! (Played FanDuel before? You can build a team for $5 for a chance of $100,000, part of a one million dollar prize pool!)

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Monday Night Football Live Thread, Week 1

September 14, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 GameDay Notes | 28 Comments

by: Jay

EAGLES BORN OUT OF THUNDER

I sometimes wonder how we got through this past Sunday without the innovation and up-tempo musings of one Chip Kelly. While there is a double-header tonight (and the Vikings vs. 49ers should be quite the average-quality type of game), most eyes will be watching the coach who is known as the master of quicksaster, the dean of getting rid of disgruntled African-American players, the champion of signing one of the best African-American running backs this offseason, and the king of trading anything and everything to mold the Eagles into the Oregon Ducks. Probably one of the longest descriptions of Chip Kelly out there, sure, but still apt, and it has nothing on the thesis-order you’d put in at Starbucks to get a coffee, black. Yes, Chip Kelly is all those things and more, and tonight, we get to see his experiment finally at work. With offensive principles like Sam Bradford, DeMarco Murray, and Ryan Mathews, I ask you, what could go wrong?

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How Did the Giants Win Two Super Bowls?

September 14, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 178 Comments

by: Jay

While I always say that Sunday Night Football is tacitly known as the premier match-up of the weekend, I wasn’t necessarily wanting to lead-off my first recap of Sunday’s games with it, but if the Cowboys and Giants continue the long NFC East tradition of having memorable derp-offs, I have very little choice in the matter. In a game that featured two interceptions and two fumbles (and that was just the Cowboys!), Run DMC being his usual “Run for two feet then drop DMC”, coaching you’d expect from the Princeton ginger Jason Garrett and a guy with the last name McAdoo, well, you’d be hard pressed to follow all that up with a fascinating and suspenseful last two minutes. But they did. After an “interesting” (to be kind) play-action call at the one-yard line (I’m assuming even Pete Carroll would call a run play there) with just about 1:40 left in the game that failed with an intentional throw out of bounds by Eli Manning, the Cowboys quickly drove down the field in just 88 seconds, scoring the go ahead touchdown shown above. On that score, Romo was able to connect with Jason Witten after dropping a bad snap, which seems like the most Romo thing ever. Unless it ended up being an interception. Good hustle Cowboys and Giants… I can’t wait to see what the derp looks like when the Eagles and Washington get involved. Especially Washington. They were born in the derp. Molded by it…

Here’s what else I saw in Week 1 (with bonus first week knee-jerk reactions!)…

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