Rankings, Week 1: And So It Begins

2014 Accuracy: 58.10% (31st out of 125 Experts, Range: 60.70% – 50.60%).

That’s right my friends, we made it. Another football season is about to begin, and to make sure the beginning is as miserable as possible, tonight’s opening game features the Steelers and Patriots. But don’t worry, I will not let these two storied (haha, please) franchises dampen my mood. For now we have real football spanning over the next five months (or about a month and a half if you live in D.C.), and this real fooball will, in turn, produce that which will fill our Fantasy Football holes. That makes it sound so technical and coarse, much like my love making. Regardless, with the new season budding with excitment and hope for all fans across the United States (unless you live in D.C.), it is now time to release the first iteration of our Weekly Rankings, because if there’s anything I’ve learned during my time here, it’s the world needs rankings. Nay… the world demands it. Honestly, what else is the point of having a Fantasy Football site if not to start knife fights over subjective numerical values? So get your best Ray Lewis going and make the jump for our Week 1 Rankings!

New to Daily Fantasy Football? I am too! I’m trying out this new free FanDuel’s contest, where half the league is guaranteed to win. If you want, you can join up with me! (Played FanDuel before? You can build a team for $5 for a chance of $100,000, part of a one million dollar prize pool!)

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Disgraces and Delights, Week 1: Elder God Chosen, Elder God Blessed

September 9, 2015 | 2015 Buy/Sell, 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 Fantasy Football Rankings | 86 Comments

by: LT Murray IV

The NFL regular season starts Thursday. Oh what a glorious daaaaaay. Ohhhhh, kickin off the NFL season, the Tehol Beddict waaaaaaaaay. Oh yeah, I just went Billy Madison on that ass, one of the Elder Gods (and my) favorite films. A tale of growth and maturation. A tale of destiny. You see, I was once like Billy, taking shots of Tequila with porn stars at 9 AM. Smoking peyote with tribesman in the Bermuda triangle. Doing lines of white lightening out of call girls’s yin-yangs in the penthouse suite of the Four Seasons. Yes, traveling the world and flexing your glutes for the camera can lead to some interesting experiences, but my life was incredibly empty. Was this really my true calling? One fine day, while I was going through my daily routine of harassing and verbally abusing my best friends to the point of them no longer speaking to me, like a bitch slap from Peter North’s dong, it hit me! I had a gift for creative writing and was without question a fantasy sports savant. Wouldn’t you know it, two weeks later I met Grey Albright at a swingers club in Tahoe, bonding with him as we Eiffel towered my long term lover. He thoroughly enjoyed combining the Naked Gun films with fantasy baseball for a post and decided to bring me in the fold. Was it my rapier wit or the briefcase full of money I left in the trunk of his car along with a bag containing the hair from my freshly shaved scrotum? I’ll never know, but, what I do know is, entertaining people with my mind and creativity is much more stimulating than greasing up my ass and grabbing my ankles for the cameraman. I’m happy to be here. Shout out to Billy Madison, for he followed his dreams, just as I have. We are kindred spirits, him and I.

I’m really losing it. Can we please get to my Week 1 rankings? I am Tehol Beddict and this is, Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The Max Factor: Run DMC, RUUUUUUUN

September 9, 2015 | 2015 Buy/Sell, 2015 Fantasy Football | 20 Comments

by: Max

I’m done talking about who I’m crushing over or who should be drafted later on after half the league has turned to auto-draft. I get to introduce my series today which I’m sure all of you are waiting for after Tehol dubbed me his squire. The Razzball Squire, kinda sounds nice… I introduced my Canadian self in my first post, simultaneously dreaming about a fountain of maple syrup. The USB of Influence has been taken out – Welcome to The Max Factor – looking at one of the bigger stories going into the week… the enigma that is the Cowboys backfield. Whoever comes out of this situation on top could be a real fantasy value. I see four real names to look at in this case. My favorite for their draft value this year is Darren McFadden.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Hit it or Quit it, Week 1: I Wanna Be-on Dion

September 9, 2015 | 2015 Buy/Sell, 2015 Fantasy Football | 35 Comments

by: Jennifer

Welcome back, boys and girls, ex-cons and degenerates, to another edition of Hit it or Quit it, with yours truly. I know you have all missed me over this off-season, probably more than I missed most of you, but that was because I was too busy filling my dungeon with man souls to feast on for the 2015 NFL season. As you probably have already witnessed, my Black Widow Curse is still very much alive and back with a vengeance. This season it seems to want to feast on hammies and ACLs, which has made for some very interesting Fantasy Football drafts was well. With most of the first-rounders taken out by my curse (no one crosses me), join me now as we begin to venture into the outer limits of this season with Hit it or Quit it, Week 1…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Who Are These Guys?, Week 1: Mitchell Friedman

September 9, 2015 | 2015 Buy/Sell, 2015 Fantasy Football | 22 Comments

by: malamoney

If you read the title to this post and said to yourself, “Who the heck is Mitchell Friedman”, then I have done my job in selecting a title.

Inspired by perhaps the best sports movie ever, the “Who Are These Guys” series looks back at the previous week and compiles a starting lineup of players that would have your league mates mocking you and your opponent licking his chops as he foolishly commits the bitter offense of counting his chickens before they’ve hatched. While the players selected each week are based entirely on hindsight, the purpose is to show you that every week it is possible to create a lineup that does not contain a single stud, yet said lineup would trample one containing only studs. Duds over studs. Bros before hoes. That’s how it goes…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Podcast: The Season is Finally Here

September 9, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 Podcast, Fantasy Football Podcast | 70 Comments

by: Jay

And so it begins. While this is the eleventh podcast of our “season”, this shall be known, henceforth, as the first podcast of the NFL season. You know it’s legit when I add in Old English vernacular. THOUEST THOU! Tehol and I briefly went over some news items like James Jones signing with Green Bay and Fred Jackson signing with Seattle. We then moved onto the first slate of games in Week 1, going over the fantasy implications and what to look for this Thursday, Sunday, and Monday. As an added twist, Tehol and I started a game of Pick ‘Em and you’re invited! At the end of the year, I’ll take note of all the games both of us pick on the pod along with your picks in the comment section. If you guys (and gals) end up beating both Tehol and myself, whichever listener has the highest total of correct calls, you’ll get a Razzball t-shirt of your choice, on me! So go ahead and list your Week 1 winners below in the comment section.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Through the Wire, Week 1: Wavier Adds, Speculative Grabs

September 8, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 Waiver Wire | 98 Comments

by: Geoff

Salutations my loyal Razzscallions, and welcome to Razzball’s in-season coverage. Hopefully you found the place alright. After all, it is the internet and you don’t really need directions. Then again I get lost on the web all the time. In fact, for reasons unknown I always stumble onto the same site entirely by accident. Some sort of hub for porn. At least that’s what I tell the lovely Mrs. Lifshitz when she checks my history. No matter, you’re not here to learn about my trials and tribulations with technology. You’re here for the same reason as everyone else, to join me in belittling that goon Tehol Beddict and his strange love for Tyrod Taylor. I can neither confirm or deny if he’s been playing with Frank Beamer’s balls. But before we commence the Tehol bashing, let’s discuss some early season potential waiver adds to keep an eye on. Because maybe you had a few too many pops at that Labor Day BBQ, overslept the draft, and ended up with an autodrafted nightmare. Not to worry we got you covered you boozy loser.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Bear or Bull: Skittles Stock

September 8, 2015 | 2015 Buy/Sell, 2015 Fantasy Football | 7 Comments

by: Son

“Think big, think positive, never show any sign of weakness. Always go for the throat. Buy low, sell high. Fear? That’s the other guy’s problem. Nothing you have ever experienced will prepare you for the absolute carnage you are about to witness. Super Bowl, World Series – they don’t know what pressure is. In this building, it’s either kill or be killed. You make no friends in the pits and you take no prisoners. One minute you’re up half a million in soybeans and the next, boom, your kids don’t go to college and they’ve repossessed your Bentley. Are you with me?” – Louis Winthorp III speaking to Billy Ray Valentine in “Trading Places.”

Are you with me? Love that movie. Hopefully, I can assist you in buying your kid that G.I. Joe with the kung-fu grip for Christmas by writing this weekly column. First things first. Why bears and bulls? The easy answer is that bears attack by striking their claws downward and bulls strike by tossing their horns upward. The true origin dates to the seventeenth century when middlemen in the bearskin trade would sell skins they did not own yet. They would speculate on the future price declining so that they could buy them cheaper and capture the spread. They became known as “bears”, which was short for bearskin jobbers. Let’s stick with the easy answer…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The Official 2015 Razzball Picks

September 8, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, Y to Z | 113 Comments

by: Jay

It’s official because we don’t deal in unofficial. Whatever that means. Which is nothing, if you’re wondering. But it does make this post feel more important. Delusions of grandeur? That’s my life story bro. And that also might describe the life story of many here who reside at Razzball HQ. Which is basically our basements. With bountiful supplies of Hot Pockets and alchohal. Why do we make these picks? Because we think we’re right all the time. Except for me. I’m just very wrong. But don’t let that stop you from looking at our well-thought out (MAYBE) picks for this upcoming 2015 season. The thing is, we all can’t write a 1500 word exposé on these players, so you get this nifty assortment where you’ll gain a general sense of which players we like and which we don’t. All in a simple box for you to stare and giggle at. Kind of like what you normally would do if you were looking at Tehol‘s well, you know, simple box. Along with that, we’ve taken a stab at the NFL Playoff picture, calling both the Championship games and the Super Bowl. Enjoy!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

RCL Update: The Writer’s League

September 7, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 Razzball Commenter Leagues | 40 Comments

by: Jay

Well, with the RCL drafting phase almost over for all leagues, there’s one last update before the seasons starts, so why not make it a special one? That’s what I was thinking, but instead, I just decided to overview the writer’s draft which happened last Thursday, with the hangover ending around today. I think. Maybe tomorrow. Before we get down and dirty (Tehol’s natural state) with poking fun at all of our teams, I’d like to point out that if you haven’t had a chance to join a league, it’s not to late in getting in on the action (and there’s no limit on joining). I’ll be hosting a draft every night until the start of the season, mostly because this is America and I want football to be here, and I want it now.

But real football is obviously not going to happen until Thursday, so I’m biding the time, as they say, with these Fantasy Football drafts. Who they are and why they say that, I have no idea, but they appear to know what’s up. Join up here for those gnarly and tubular prizes!

Now onto the mocking of the RCL Writer’s League…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

FanDuel Daily Fantasy Football Strategy

September 7, 2015 | 2015 Daily Fantasy, 2015 Fantasy Football | 11 Comments

by: Zach

Hi guys, my name is Zach, and I am going to be writing a post a week (except for this one), breaking down the best options per week for Daily Fantasy on Wednesdays for all of you out there that like to win that cash monies. But for now, let’s talk about why I’m here. I’m not very good at Daily Fantasy Baseball, so good thing that translates into being pretty good at Daily Fantasy Football. There’s apparently only room for one in my life… Regardless, I’ll be breaking down some strategy today, and how to approach Daily Fantasy Football. And the first topic we should cover, and most important thing regarding DFS NFL, is how it works…

New to Daily Fantasy Football? Try out this new free FanDuel’s contest, where half the league is guaranteed to win. (Played on FanDuel before? You can build a team for $5 for a chance of $100,000, part of a one million dollar prize pool!)

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Welcome to the 2015 Razzball Fantasy Football Season

September 7, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 44 Comments

by: Jay

We made it folks. Yesterday was the last Sunday without regular season football for a long time, and I can’t wait to get this season started. I’m just so excited for what we have in store for you this year. I could also be excited from eating copious amounts of Guinness (part of an essential and balanced meal). But even if it’s a combination of the two, it matters not, for football, and Fantasy Football is back. Follow me after the jump to see what we are cooking for you this year at Razzball HQ. Hint: It’s not edible. I mean, you can eat your computer if you want, but I would recommend unplugging it first. And probably adding some salt…

Please, blog, may I have some more?