Tiny Darren Still Tiny

“PULL BRADFORD!” – Eagles Fans from the first snap to the second half, and then again in the fourth quarter. They’re nothing if not consistent.

Granted, I think that was the longest I’ve ever seen Sam Bradford play, but as I alluded to in yesterday’s round-up, the NFC East is crucial when it comes to developing, producing, and delivering derp. In fact, the most surprising part is how the Giants, Eagles, and Cowboys are reaching closer and closer to Washington in derp levels. Something like a tide lifts all boats type of strategy perhaps. The first half was interesting, in that I couldn’t really deduce what exactly was going on… was Chip Kelly’s innovations on offense suffering because the Falcons defense was actually trying (something they hadn’t implemented in years), or was Chip Kelly’s innovations just so next level, his goal was to get the punting team to take the field as quickly as possible? One can never know, and I’ll admit, I didn’t know until things went back to semi-normal in the third quarter, where the Eagles scored 14 unanswered points on the tiny back of Darren Sproles, who was located on your fantasy bench. And all of this was against the prototypical Kyle Shanahan offense, which had like 600-yards and just two touchdowns… But of course, in Eagles fashion, with the chance to drive down the field with two minutes to go and win the game, Bradford threw a pass to Jordan Matthews only to see it hit off his hands into the Falcons defense (shown above). I’m pretty sure the NFC East will just be taking a sabbatical this year… And as for the Vikings vs. 49ers game… I don’t really want to talk about it. Let’s just say the entire game reminded me of some kind of avant-garde Burning Man exhibition piece. In a civilized country, both of those teams would have gotten the help they needed…

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Monday Night Football Live Thread, Week 1

by: Jay

EAGLES BORN OUT OF THUNDER

I sometimes wonder how we got through this past Sunday without the innovation and up-tempo musings of one Chip Kelly. While there is a double-header tonight (and the Vikings vs. 49ers should be quite the average-quality type of game), most eyes will be watching the coach who is known as the master of quicksaster, the dean of getting rid of disgruntled African-American players, the champion of signing one of the best African-American running backs this offseason, and the king of trading anything and everything to mold the Eagles into the Oregon Ducks. Probably one of the longest descriptions of Chip Kelly out there, sure, but still apt, and it has nothing on the thesis-order you’d put in at Starbucks to get a coffee, black. Yes, Chip Kelly is all those things and more, and tonight, we get to see his experiment finally at work. With offensive principles like Sam Bradford, DeMarco Murray, and Ryan Mathews, I ask you, what could go wrong?

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How Did the Giants Win Two Super Bowls?

September 14, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 178 Comments

by: Jay

While I always say that Sunday Night Football is tacitly known as the premier match-up of the weekend, I wasn’t necessarily wanting to lead-off my first recap of Sunday’s games with it, but if the Cowboys and Giants continue the long NFC East tradition of having memorable derp-offs, I have very little choice in the matter. In a game that featured two interceptions and two fumbles (and that was just the Cowboys!), Run DMC being his usual “Run for two feet then drop DMC”, coaching you’d expect from the Princeton ginger Jason Garrett and a guy with the last name McAdoo, well, you’d be hard pressed to follow all that up with a fascinating and suspenseful last two minutes. But they did. After an “interesting” (to be kind) play-action call at the one-yard line (I’m assuming even Pete Carroll would call a run play there) with just about 1:40 left in the game that failed with an intentional throw out of bounds by Eli Manning, the Cowboys quickly drove down the field in just 88 seconds, scoring the go ahead touchdown shown above. On that score, Romo was able to connect with Jason Witten after dropping a bad snap, which seems like the most Romo thing ever. Unless it ended up being an interception. Good hustle Cowboys and Giants… I can’t wait to see what the derp looks like when the Eagles and Washington get involved. Especially Washington. They were born in the derp. Molded by it…

Here’s what else I saw in Week 1 (with bonus first week knee-jerk reactions!)…

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Sunday Night Football Live Thread, Week 1: Giants vs. Cowboys

September 13, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 GameDay Notes | 25 Comments

by: Jay

An interesting factoid that you may not be aware of is that since 2009, Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth have called exactly half of all the Giants vs. Cowboys games. Which essentially means that if you’ve watched Sunday Night Football since 2009, you also watched exactly half of all the Giants vs. Cowboys games. What can I say? Sometimes math is very kind to me. Granted, this math probably applies equally to any Cowboys/Eagles, Ravens/Steelers, and Manning/Brady games, with a few Pats/Colts and Seahawks/49ers match-ups thrown in, so what I’m basically saying I guess is that NBC loves ratings and schedules their games accordingly. This incredible deduction by yours truly may or may not have been because I’m a fan of BBC’s Sherlock… but it certainly didn’t hurt.

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Late Games Live Thread, Week 1

September 13, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 GameDay Notes | 15 Comments

by: Jay

With the early slate of games nearly in the book, we can now turn our attention to the late games, where there are even more marquee match-ups featuring legendary players, long held rivalries, and the ultimate in what we know as professional football. And that’s just the Titans and Buccaneers game I’m talking about. Hyperbole aside, the game does feature an intriguing match-up between two rookie quarterbacks; Marcus Mariota and Jameis Winston.

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Early Games Live Thread, Week 1

September 13, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 GameDay Notes | 80 Comments

by: Jay

Someone give the guy a cigarette and get it over with…

So much gum chewing. Someone just give the guy a cigarette and get it over with…

The season is now in full swing, with the first Sunday of football for 2015 season bringing us a fantastic slate of games. Do you want action? Do you want drama? Do you want romance? I WANT ALL OF THESE THINGS. Well, then I present to you the Browns versus the Jets. Haha, just kidding… but this is Week 1… I wouldn’t have really minded that being the premier match-up… well, for at least a few minutes. Honestly, what can you say about Jets that would excite anyone? And what can you say about that Browns that hasn’t already been said about Iraq? Nada, to use a parlance of our times. But there are some actual marquee match-ups this Sunday morning, including, but not limited to the Bears hosting the Packers, the newly revamped Bills facing off against the Colts, and a battle of cats between the Panthers and Jaguars. Then there’s an interesting NFC West match-up involving the Seahawks and Rams, which I’m sure will include Pete Carroll smacking his jaw like a guy who just did coke after being clean for 20 years…

Our rankings have been updated for today’s games and can be found here.

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The Stats Machine: Palindromes

September 12, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 Roster Strategy | 19 Comments

by: malamoney

“A palindrome is a word, phrase, number, or other sequence of characters which reads the same backward or forward. Allowances may be made for adjustments to capital letters, punctuation, and word dividers.” – Wikipedia

The word “stats” is a palindrome. So are words like “kayak”, “level” and “radar”. How about “race car” or “top spot”. Even phrases such as “Madam I’m Adam” and “never odd or even” are palindromes. Why isn’t the word “palindrome” a palindrome? Shouldn’t they have picked a word that was? Palindrome spelled backwards spells “semordnilap”, which is apparently defined as a word that spells a different word when spelled backwards. Some examples include “stressed”, “war”, “evil”, “spoon” and even “sports”. But what if C-A-T really spelled dog?

So how does any of this help you with your fantasy football team? It doesn’t. However when I started writing this post and typed the word “stats” I realized for the first time that it was in fact a palindrome and felt compelled to mention it…

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Start ’em and Sit ’em, Week 1: The Elders Have Spoken

September 12, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 Roster Strategy | 60 Comments

by: LT Murray IV

Greetings! Totally awesome Thursday Night Football, right? A wretched performance by T-Pain, Bob Kraft’s trout-ass trotting around the field like a prized gelding, the Steelers headsets “malfunctioning”, and of course, GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK, is all I really took away from a game that was missing what was basically every player I wanted to watch, due to a suspension for smoking that sticky icky. The game went pretty much as I expected, other than D’Angelo treating the Patriots run defense the way my favorite porn star and close friend, Mandingo, treats his co-stars. No sir, I am not sold on the Patriots being a contender this season. My apologies to the mass-holes, who verbally beat me like a piñata each and every day on Twitter for that epic Seattle Seahawks fail in the Super Bowl. Your time is coming. Oh yes, your time is coming (laughs maniacally while coating my naked body in Vaseline). But seriously though, who cares about real football!? This is a fantasy site, ya’ll! Communicating with the Elder Gods is a complicated and somewhat challenging affair; It involves an immense fire pit, sage brush, a quarter oz. of Peyote, a fifth of Everclear, animal sacrifice, and a bit of luck. Even when they accept my summons and pass the peace pipe with me, deciphering their language and riddles is a most difficult thing to accomplish, but I do my utmost, and that is all one can ask of a man such as myself. Below, is what the Elders have foretold for Week 1.

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Start ’em and Sit ’em. Take heed!

You can check out my rankings here, for all your roster needs…

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We’re Going Streaming, Week 1: Super Mariota

September 11, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 Roster Strategy | 19 Comments

by: waterloo

It’s crazy, right? The NFL season is here. Your drafts and auctions are done, so it’s just time to set your lineups for Week 1 with one game in the bag already in Foxboro. I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling 22. OKAY, enough Taylor Swift. I don’t know about you, but I’m sad that draft season is over. It’s by far my favorite time in the fantasy football season. The mocks, the snake drafts, the slow-play drafts, the auctions, the scouting reports and all of the news leading up to the season can’t be matched. Now, it’s time for luck to kick in and play the big part that it does each football season. Each week, I’ll be highlighting different streamers that fantasy players should look at for the upcoming week at quarterback, tight end, defense and kicker. Obviously, some of the guys I write about won’t be available in your league. We do all play in different league sizes and rules, after all. So, if I write about Andy Dalton one week, just shoot me a comment below with your question and I’ll be more than happy to help there.

Let’s get things going, shall we?

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Smokey Says: Mr Hankey, the Eagles DEF is Poo

September 11, 2015 | 2015 Buy/Sell, 2015 Fantasy Football | 17 Comments

by: Smokey

Well hello again friends and enemies. We embark on another year of fantasy usefulness here at Razzball, and as always, I am here to shed a spotlight on something either obvious or not so obvious. This week, the one obvious thing that I am going to point out to all of you is the match-up between the Eagles and the Falcons. The game itself does nothing as a whole for us from a fantasy perspective, but the player I want to spotlight on is Leonard Hankerson. Granted, Leo hasn’t ever really been in a keen quarterback situation, unless you count that half a year with RG-3. He is not a possession receiver, nor a burner. He’s just an ordinary guy. This week though, he has a chance to be something better. He can be the WR3 we are all coveting for in Week 1 that a lot of people are sleeping on. Wondering why? Hell, I am too, but stick with me and I will steer you to Week one helpfulness as the lighthouse spotlight shines on the A-T-L…

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A Gronking to Remember

September 11, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 87 Comments

by: Jay

“Don’t cover Gronk. What’s the worst he can do?” – Keith Butler.

Even though the pregame show lasted about as long as a soccer game does (with all the appropriate New England circle-jerking, including, but definitely not limited to the Dropkick Murphies performing), we were soon allowed to settle in and watch the first game of the 2015 regular season. Right from the start, the Patriots offense seemed fueled by their overwhelming whiteness, as if Bill Belichick knew that I wanted to experience what it’s like to eat an entire box of saltines while stuck in traffic outside of Boise, Idaho inside a Ford Fiesta listening to the White Stripes. Speaking of Julian Edelman and Rob Gronkowski, I’d say (with my analytical prowess) they played a huge part of the Patriots eventual win. Well, almost as much as Josh Scobee (missing two field goals) and the Steelers secondary (who thought Gronk was overrated), both of which forced Mike Tomlin to go into his ‘Choke-A-B*itch” resting face for pretty much the entire night…

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Thursday Night Football Live Thread, Week 1: Steelers vs. Patriots

September 10, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 GameDay Notes | 82 Comments

by: Jay

Technically it’s Sunday Night Football on Thursday, but since that makes no sense whatsoever, I’m just going to call it what it is, and that’s Thursday Night Football (TNF). And since the Steelers are going against the Patriots, you could also probably call this stigmata as well. In a match-up I would call a “rambunctious” recreating of everything wrong with Afghanistan, the season opener begins on the laurels of a guy who is likely to force himself on your mom. And Ben Roethlisberger. I do want to mention that this game should have featured two former teammates going against each other in Le’Veon Bell and LeGarrette Blount, but both are missing time due to suspensions from marijuana-related offenses, so that idea kinda went up in smoke. A shame, as it was such a budding relationship too… Instead, we’ll once again have to deal with two quarterbacks we all love to hate, one with deflated balls and asterisks galore, and the other with a HARF HARF HARF take on life. And on sexual assault.

You can find Week 1 Rankings here.

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