I didn’t think it was possible, but I found reason number 1,356,976 to hate Tim Tebow – he’s officially become a touchdown vulture, the vilest creature known to fantasy footballers. He scored his second short touchdown in three games this week, and is in the process of eliminating any chance Kyle Orton has of accumulating points inside the five-yard line. He’s also rendered Knowshon Moreno, a player seeing limited touches as it is, virtually useless without the opportunity of scoring from close-in. With the Broncos on bye, you can bet Josh McDaniels will be inserting plenty of new goal line plays specifically designed for Tebow, who at this point has become the Carrot Top of football – loved by those personally invested in him, and hated by every other human being on the face of the earth.

Some other Week 8 Indigestions…

-Do you jump overboard into unknown waters, or stay on the sinking ship and hope you have “final hour on Earth sex” with the hot cocktail waitress before it all goes under? That’s metaphorically what you need to be asking yourself if you own one of the Dallas pass-catchers.

Should you stay put and hope Jon Kitna makes it worthwhile by continuing to post high-yardage totals down the stretch, or do you see the four interceptions this week, the battered offensive line, the atrocious running game, and the overall malaise of the team, and jump ship on Miles Austin, Jason Witten, and Dez Bryant? All recorded at least seven catches and 84 yards against the Jaguars, but considering the 38-year old Kitna’s been sacked five times in seven quarters, I’m bailing before an awkward fall ushers in the Stephen McGee Era. If you can get full price, great, but don’t turn your nose up at 75 cents on the dollar.

-Do not stare directly at David Garrard‘s stats. You won’t turn to stone, but you might be seduced into starting him against the Texans when the Jaguars return from bye in Week 10, which would be even worse. Sunday’s numbers look seductive as hell, but the Cowboys defense quit trying sometime between the National Anthem and Kitna’s second interception, leaving Garrard to pretty much do what he wanted. And what he wanted to do was throw for 260 yards and score five total touchdowns. I won’t bore you with a history lesson, but just know there’s a storage unit full of evidence suggesting that trusting Garrard to post consecutive big games would be a monumental mistake.

-In perhaps the biggest shocker of the season, the Bengals are a complete an unrecoverable mess…and it’s not Terrell Owens‘ fault. The perpetual pain has actually become something many thought he’d never be again – a top ten fantasy receiver.

Against the Dolphins he led the Bengals in receiving for the fourth time in seven games, catching five passes for 65 yards and two scores. In his last four outings, he’s averaging 7.7 catches and 119.2 yards, and has hauled in five of Carson Palmer‘s nine scoring tosses. He currently ranks in the top 10 at the position in receptions, yards, and touchdowns, and he’s yet to see less than nine targets in a game. Those are what we like to call big-boy numbers. Forget all the peripheral stuff and his insufferable personality, T.O. is back.

-It took Ryan Fitzpatrick 74 minutes and 47 seconds of game action to accumulate 223 passing yards and a touchdown against the Chiefs. That’s 14 minutes and 13 seconds more than he’ll be given next week against a Bears team that’s surrendered a league-low four passing scores. Everyone freaked out after his outburst against the Ravens, but consider that the high point. In reality (or is it fantasy?), Fitzpatrick’s nothing more than a spot-start QB in 12-team leagues – basically Chad Henne with better wheels. If you have him reserved as a “just in case” guy, you’ve played the game well. If you bought into all the hyperbole and pinned your season hopes on him, well, let this be a lesson.

-Here’s a somewhat bold statement that I believe wholeheartedly: Jamaal Charles will accumulate more total yards than any other running back over the final nine games.

As many forecasted, he freaked out against the Bills, gaining 9.1 yards per touch and accounting for 238 of the Chiefs 414 yards of offense. The schedule down the stretch is more mouthwatering than a jumbo-breasted Hooters waitress delivering a hot plate of zesty wings, with the next three games bringing Oakland’s 26th ranked run defense, followed by Denver (31st) and Arizona (29th). Other than stealing some goal line opportunities, you can stop worrying about the presence of Thomas Jones – Charles is averaging 20 touches a game since the Chiefs Week 4 bye. It’s probably too late, but if you can somehow pry away his services, you’ll have the keys to a Ferrari in the race for a championship.

-The Matthew Stafford return was a roaring success. He only threw for 212 yards on 45 attempts, but he had four touchdowns, three to the alien they call Megatron, and completed several throws that would make even the most cantankerous talent evaluator spooge in his mustard-stained khakis.

What Stafford didn’t do was throw the ball consistently to his tight ends. Brandon Pettigrew and Tony Scheffler combined for six targets, with Pettigrew registering two catches for eight yards and Scheffler posting the squat of Jack. Pettigrew did catch a short 2-yard touchdown, but in terms of yards and receptions, it was by far his worst outing since the season opener, a game that also prominently featured Stafford. The sample size is way too small to start making general assumptions, but you should at least be worried if you were counting on Pettigrew to continue chipping in the 6.4 catches and 66 yards a game he was posting with Shaun Hill as the starter.

-As a fantasy entity, Nate Washington has always been flakier than a stripper with dandruff, and this year is no different. He had a big game in Week 1 thanks to a deep touchdown, and then completely disappeared for six games before resurfacing against the Chargers this week, catching four balls for 117 yards, including a 71-yard touchdown.

-Don’t put too much stock into Brandon Tate‘s three catch, 101-yard effort against the Vikings. He caught a 32-yarder that somehow went straight through Minnesota safety Madieu Williams, hit Tate in the facemask, bounced off various body parts no less than four times, and finally found his arms just before hitting the ground. He also recorded a 65-yard touchdown, but it came only after the Vikings missed a sack, blew coverage, and allowed Tom Brady to clumsily pirouette around the pocket for five-plus seconds. His other catch was a four-yard screen pass. Prior to this week, he had one catch for three yards in the two games since Randy Moss‘ departure, so unless you’re counting on a double rainbow every week, Tate shouldn’t be trusted with a starting spot. Not even in Week 9 against the Cleveland Frowns.

  1. Hennessey says:
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    I’m not personally invested and I like Tim Tebow. I don’t own Orton or Moreno though, so that probably helps.

  2. 24hourjack says:
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    the emergence of Percy Harvin over the past few wks has basically kept me in contention in the league where I own him….

    how devastated should I be over the departure of Moss….in other words,how much will it actually damage Harvins numbers,and should I hurry up and unload him before the damage becomes obvious?

  3. AdamH says:
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    Trade offer: Give Ahmad Bradshaw for Calvin Johnson? I am currently 4-4 sitting in 4th place with the 3rd most points in the league. My typical lineup:

    QB Cutler
    WR Jennings
    WR Nicks
    WR Bowe
    RB CJ
    RB Ahmad Bradshaw
    TE Z Miller
    W/R Ryan Torain

    B Fred Jackson
    B Mike Tolbert
    B Keiland Williams
    B Marshawn Lynch
    B Tim Hightower
    B Nate Burleson
    B Favre

  4. Pepe Silvia says:
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    Man, I’m really excited about Moreno’s fantasy-playoff schedule and have been thinking about trading for him, but yeah, this Tebow thing definitely has me worried.

    Do you think offering Garcon for Moreno is a bad idea?

  5. Neck Beard says:
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    Who do you like in this trade? I’m currently in first in the league, and looking at building depth and gear up for the playoffs. Feel like I can be doing better than Kitna at QB…(freeman on waivers as well)

    So, tell me would I be giving up too much for (Vick + Mathews) offering my (Bradshaw and Blount) — Bradshaw is like my 3rd best RB: Also have Foster, JC Superstar, and Moreno…really just want to improve my QB position, and I’m still optimistic on Mathews (for softer schedule and hopefully return of VJax could possibly be another plus)

  6. The Vaporizers says:
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    Trade Miles Austin for DeSean Jackson in a 1 PPR league?

  7. Kitna's Mom says:
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    Three of four of Kitna’s INT’s where bobbled passes his receivers should have caught. And I realize now the Dallas offensive line can’t make gaps for runners worth a crap. I dropped Jones and wouldn’t touch Barber after that game. They are a pass-only offense with a lot of receiving talent and one of the best backups in Kitna. I’d keep starting him for those reasons alone if you don’t have a better QB option, at least until the bottom falls out. The rest of his schedule is rough, but Green Bay does give up the pass yardage some times despite their scarier defensive qualities.

  8. Pepe Silvia says:
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    @Neck Beard: I don’t think that’s a bad trade necessarily, but I wouldn’t count on Vick being the guy to lead you to the promised land. I’m still really skeptical of him considering his two huge games were against such completely shitty defenses. At this point I’m not convinced he’s even a top 10 QB going forward. If I had to make a prediction I’d say the difference between him and Freeman ends up being really small.

    Also, I don’t know how your league’s playoffs work obviously, but in weeks 15 and 16 Vick faces the Giants and Vikes. Not exactly a couple of creampuffs. Freeman, meanwhile, get Detroit and Seattle, much friendlier.

  9. weird fishes says:
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    total hot mess here. have to go for the gold. 2rb 2wr 1flex, non ppr

    peyton hillis
    beanie wells
    felix jones
    danny woodhead (rb/wr)
    fred jackson
    donald brown
    aj
    austin collie
    dez bryant

    thanks

  10. Rex

    Rex says:
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    @24hourjack: A quick Harvin stat – Without Moss: (3 games/12 rec/106 yds/1 td/1 ctch over 20 yds)…With Moss: (4 games/19 rec/287 yds/2 TDs/6 ctchs over 20 yds). Throw in the ankle injury, and yeah, now might be a good time to sell.
    @AdamH: It would leave you pretty exposed at RB, but Johnson is too good to pass up for a high-end RB2
    @Pepe Silvia: The Moreno stretch run is indeed tasty, but I’d wait to see if he’s ever going to get more than 15 carries before dealing him for Pepe Garcon.
    @ The Vaporizers: Question marks with both, but I’d rather have the guy who doesn’t have 38-year old and a rookie as his only QB options.
    @weird fishes: Hillis, Brown (if he plays), Collie (if he plays), AJ, Bryant

  11. Beau says:
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    Rex — Trade Nicks for Steven Jackson?

    Ive got nicks, wayne, smith (car), roy williams, and vjax at wr, moreno, ronnie, lynch at rb. 0.5 ppr 10 team

  12. Tourist History says:
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    Who would you rather have from here on out? And for playoffs? McCoy or Charles

  13. Nate says:
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    Would you even think about starting vick over brady?

  14. Pepe Silvia says:
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    @Nate: I’d say it depends. If you feel confident about the rest of your lineup and just want to play it safe, start Brady. But I think Vick has way more upside. The 2007 Brady is dead and gone.

  15. AdamH says:
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    This week:

    Cutler @ Buf
    Favre v Ari
    Campbell v KC

  16. Rex

    Rex says:
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    @Beau: Yep. You need a stud RB1.
    @Tourist History: Love Mccoy, but Jammy Charles is my boy. Better talent, better schedule.
    @Nate: I see the argument for Vick, but I’d rather go with the guaranteed 200 yards and 2 TDs. Colts defense is really fast, might make a difference against Vick. Might not, but it’s something to consider.
    @Adam H: Can’t pass up Cutler at Buffalo

  17. Jah says:
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    Double Rainbow! All the Way!

    Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho-HoooooooooWOOOOOWWWW!

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