Well, this is it folks. We are nearing the end of what was a glorious and scrumptious set of weeks going over the bulk of our fantasy rankings. Coincidentally, glorious and scrumptious is how I’m described at most dinner parties. With a hint of lilac and ginger. So I’m basically a hot tea. Hot tea. Hottie. HUUUUUUR. Anyways, you should give me a dollar for these set of rankings. Why? So I can give you some quarters back…? I’m simply on fire here. No, I’m serious. It’s the District and we’re in the unbearable humid stage of summer. So I literally need to stick a fire extinguisher between my thighs to prevent chaffed rashes and combustion. It’s like the forest from Fern Gully down there.
Peyton Manning, the greatest football-throwing robot ever: And you thought my Greg Olsen ranking was wild. What’s this now, Peyton Manning ranked second? Yessir. Why? Two reason’s. First, when they say that the Broncos had the most historic modern-day offense last season, they weren’t kidding. They pretty much did. But it’s historic because something like that isn’t as repeatable as say, my PornHub viewing schedule. In fact, I would say chances are they come back to earth a bit, well, that is if the schalacking the Seahawks gave them didn’t already knock them out of orbit. Because space metaphors… And the second reason is, a healthy Aaron Rodgers is a good Aaron Rodgers. Obvious statement is obvious. And while health is something you should never bank on for anybody that plays in the National Football League, you have to assume 16 games started from your quarterback, and for Rodgers, if that occurs, he’ll have plenty of opportunity for elite production. And yes, even with the emergence of a strong running game in Eddie Lacy.
Matty Ice and Fig Newton: What? I liked Fig Newton’s as a kid. I have no idea why, but I loved Reebok Pumps too, and they really served no purpose other than to let other kids pump your shoes during recess. Which was weird. I like Matt Ryan, and I’m willing to chalk up 2013 as just one of those years where everything goes wrong. Like 1929. For Cam Newton, I just couldn’t keep him outside the top-5 like everyone else is doing. After all, he’s never been outside the top-4 in fantasy scoring from the beginning, and while I’m not particularity excited by his receiving core, it’s not like Jericho Cothery, Kelvin Benjamin, Jason Avant, and Tiquan Underwood is a huge step down from Steve Smith, Brandon LaFell, Dominique Hixon, and Ted Ginn. I mean, yeah, the situation is in flux, to put it kindly, which is why I have Olson ranked so high… but let’s just say I’m willing to bet that Newton finds a way, because he always does.
Other tidbits, hopefully with some kind of dipping sauce: Philip Rivers, Tony Romo, and Jay Cutler are pretty much the same thing at the end of the day, but I’m giving the edge to Rivers because he’s the least likely one to throw over 15 interceptions or get injured. Yes, I’m looking at you Cutler. I think Eli Manning probably won’t be as bad as last season, if only because I think it would take more energy to be worse. And with Robert Griffin III and Nick Foles, they certainly represent risky upside picks on draft day, so their ranking represents a middle-ground of where I think they are. Both could end up in the top-5, or just explode.
Oh, and one last thought– Tavaris Jackson now has as many Super Bowl rings as Peyton Manning. ROFL.