Greetings! Welcome to another titillating edition of Disgrace/Delight. Tough week for your boy, as I dropped $130 and $160 in two money leagues with the first being a standard scoring league. There’s an ongoing joke (I’m the only one who seems to participate in it), in the standard league that I’m cursed as I get everyone’s best performance and lost in my first three finals appearances, including on by a tie!!! This is quickly becoming creepier than (Homeland Spoiler Alert!) Carrie molesting that 17 year-old Pakistani boy. (Spoiler over.) They dog me for being a supposed “expert”, don’t read my blogs, and definitely don’t watch my  TV interviews on The Fantasy Sports Network (some friends, I know). I feel like Rodney Dangerfield, for Beddict the Elder God Blessed gets zero respect from these clucks. It’s time to turn the tide. It’s time to channel the powers of the Elder Gods and demolish the souls of these treacherous bastards. Those of you residing outside the playoff picture at this moment need to take a look in the mirror (I have hundreds if you need to borrow one), and ask yourself if you want to be great. It starts with this week, and I’m going to be by your side, pushing and prodding you to be the best you can become. Take Heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I don't have enough spam, give me the Razzball email newsletter!

Well, if you have, I am surprised that you weren’t abducted and brought to a quaint little nest just south of Parma…  So. here in Week 9, we have come to a guy that I have been trying to save for when the time was right.  Andrew Hawkins is the clear cut favorite this week for me in the city of Brown.  I am officially make the color and team name singular.  Because it’s a color and a dog… I hear you way there in the back smarty pants.  Go extinguish your LeBron jersey and become a fan all over again.  With Jordan Cameron most likely to miss this week’s game, I ask you this: who else is going to be in the running pattern for human underthrow Brian Hoyer to go to? I am kidding Brian Hoyer, I love you, and you will find out later in two paragraphs patience. Who he will throw to was just discussed, look up, and if you don’t own, or want to take part in the 43% of people who do own Andrew Hawkins, get comfy and stay close to your monitor as I break down the Hawk… and you can put in on the board… YES!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

footballkin

All Hallow’s Eve is nearly upon us, and I hope you have your costume picked out. I’ve got a few late nights ahead of me to finish mine, but I expect to be ready in time. Halloween is one of my favorite days of the year. What’s better than drunk adults wearing costumes acting like children? Honestly, not much. One year I saw a guy dressed as Daniel LaRusso in the shower get punched in the face by a dude wearing a Cobra Kai jersey while he was smoking a cigarette outside a bar. Another time I saw a dude dressed up as the Teen Wolf crushing beer cans with his teeth as he spun a basketball on his fingertips. But I’m not sure anything can top seeing the Ultimate Warrior in a speedo running down the middle of a main street in freezing weather in typical Warrior-like fashion.

How about a few NFL players last week that put on their uniforms and masqueraded about as fantasy studs?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Welcome back, my lovelies! Once again, we find ourselves all cozied up together, commiserating on our busted a*s rosters, re-evaluating every life decision we ever made, wondering when we are going to get to receive, rather than continually bend over and take it raw week after endless week. Even the stalker in my bushes outside of my house is giving me a look of shame as he peers at me through my bathroom window when I shower. This has to be, by far, one of the wackiest Fantasy Football seasons I have ever had the displeasure of being a part of, and I have done some questionably wacky things in my day (hey, it was college and I needed the money). Anyhoo, I digress… well, let’s get down and dirty with what I know you are all waiting for, Hit it or Quit it, Week 9.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I’ve made some changes to the Stats Machine (TSM) this week in hopes to present more accurate data. While this is a weekly post that highlights the previous week’s top performances, TSM also provides a year-to-date report to help you identify valuable players. Until now, this has been based on the players’ total score for the season. The problem with that is that it punishes players that have already had a bye, as they will have had one less game than players that have not. Until all teams have had their bye week, this list will be powered by each players’ average score per game. Got it? Good.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Oh wise and powerful Elder Gods, I beg of you to release me from this bondage of constant anguish that my fantasy players have brought down upon me this season. For you, I would give my left nut and sacrifice my best friend and prize chicken, Beatrice, if you so asked me to (please do not). The pain, the pain… I cannot bear it much longer. But this isn’t all about me though. My readers still have hope. Do not punish them, oh Gods, for they don’t deserve your vengeful scorn. They pray to you, the same as I. Bless them with bountiful treasures of fantasy glory.

With that being said, I do own Jerick McKinnon in most of my leagues, and that, my friends, is a very good thing. Of course, it’s because I owned Adrian Peterson, so I suppose that takes some of the luster off of it. Either way, McKinnon must be owned and ridden like that Thai girl (or boy?) rode me one in that fateful night in Bangkok. His explosion is legendary, and watching him run in the open field is an event of unsurpassed beauty. Running for over 100 yards on a Buffalo team that was previously giving up only 2.8 yards a carry is no simple feat. Matt Asiata… he’s no longer relevant. We’ll always have that 3 touchdown game, Matt, and I thank you kindly for the memories. McKinnon’s in line for another special performance against Tampa Bay this week, and I suggest you place him in your fantasy lineups.

I am Tehol Beddict, and this is Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

So this week, we go to the quarterback position. Why? Because I sorta say so, and I’m the one typing.  Show of hands, how many people are still rolling with Matt Ryan?  I see one up front, a few shy kids in the back, and a high school kid just giving me the finger.  Well, in my estimation, a lot of you still are.  So here is my spotlight this week… instead of pretending that Matt Ryan is going to turn it around against the top ranked defense, why not look at a quarterback that is owned by a third of you, and started by just a fifth.  My fellow gents and rude high school kid, take a look at the Ryan Tannehill show.  I know he isn’t for everyone, but there are some of us that have a question mark there.  Tannehill is owned in just 35% of the Yahoo universe, and only started in 14%. The past two weeks he has outscored Stafford, Romo, Ryan, Geno Smith… ahh, you caught me.  You were paying attention.  The list of quarterbacks is pretty long, and it doesn’t start over those three definite startable options.  So stick around as I convince you to start a lower percentage quarterback over a fantasy stalwart.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Last week, I had the ALCS on the television as I was researching some fantasy fantasy football on my MacBook Pro, and something funny happened. My wife, who’s more of a Total Divas and House Hunters kind of viewer, looked up at the game and said “is that Philip Seymour Hoffman?” Without turning my head I knew exactly who she was talking about, and immediately starting laughing. While she knows that the inventor of the shart is no longer with us, I have to admit, the resemblance is a bit uncanny. And in case you haven’t figured it out, the Philip Seymour Hoffman impersonator I am referring to is none other than Buck Showalter…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Welcome back, my lovelies! Here we are again, hooptie-ridin’ into Week 8. Yours truly managed to go a solid 4-2 this past week, which was not too bad considering most of my rosters now are waiver wire pickups and those few grounds crew guys I picked up back in Week 3 (Manuel is currently my all-time points leader). It also seems that the trip to the Voodoo Mambo, to rid me of the Black Widow curse, helped somewhat, as I managed to get through Week 7 without any of my players incurring concussions, blown knees, felonies, misdemeanors, or severed appendages. But, hey, it is Monday night at 8:00 PM as I am writing this, and I still have a couple guys playing tonight, so… anything is possible. Before I decide to feast upon more man souls this week, follow me and my spectacular breasts (they still don’t inhibit my ability to throw down some Fantasy Football knowledge) as we journey together into Hit it or Quit it: Week 8.

Please, blog, may I have some more?