Beddict: Sons of Razzball, I am Tehol Beddict.

Razzball Reader: But Tehol Beddict is seven feet tall!

Beddict: Yes, I’ve heard. He has an ass like Hercules, kills men and women in fantasy football by the hundreds, and if he were here, he’d consume our opponents with fireballs from his eyes and bolts of lightning from his arse. I AM TEHOL BEDDICT. And I see a whole army of my readers, here in defiance of coming out a loser this week. You have come to play with these Elder God blessed athletes, and ye are blessed in the same fashion. What will you do with your chosen soldiers? Will you fight?

VETERAN Razzballer: Fight? Against that? No, we will run, and we will start preparing for our fantasy baseball dynasty leagues.

Beddict: Aye, fight and you may lose in embarrassing fashion. Run and you’ll at least have made it the finals and kept some minimal amount self respect– at least for a while. And dying in your beds many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance to come back here and tell your opponents that they may have boned your wife/husband before you married them, but they’ll never take your FANTASY TITLE?!

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight. Take Heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Jay-Cutler-in-Makeup
There would be no other proper way to begin this rant than by saying the four words that are screaming to be ejected from my mouth. Ef you Jay Cutler! What a bag of dog excrement. I don’t know him personally, and he might be a good dude to slam beers with (doubtful), but as far a quarterbacks are concerned, he can just go away. I’m sick of all the “Jay Cutler is a top quarterback” talk that I’ve heard for the past few seasons. He’s not.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Welcome back, my lovelies!  Here we are at Week 16 already!  Wow, this time has really flown by this season.  Okay, maybe not, but I was trying to be positive there for a second.  Let’s be honest, this Fantasy Football season has totally blown dead bunnies, with Week 15 being the worst of the worst, well, not for my “Black Widow” Curse anyway.  In that regard, Week 15 was like a feast fit for a King…or Queen in this respect.  My Fantasy Updates were popping up faster than Welker on Molly with one injury report after another.  Concussions and broken bones and severed spines, oh my!  I think my curse gained at least 1500 pounds on the man souls it managed to gorge on over the weekend.  And, like the true selfless beauty I am, I made sure it feasted on my own rosters, and not yours…well, not all of yours anyway.  I am a giver as much as a taker.  It’s all about balance.  Most of you are in the same position as me right now, and it is not a pretty one.  We are forced to look at fifth and sixth stringers and we’ve had to dig so deep in depth charts that we are close to striking oil or finding some old dinosaur bones or something.  Whatever it may be, one thing is for certain, fantasy football is a game of chance, plain and simple, just like dating.  So, let’s cruise the fantasy football version of match.com, see what rejects are left for us to pick up, so that we can continue to limp those hoopties into Week 16, and, by the grace of God, possibly a playoff victory.  Get in, sit down, strap up, and hold on, my lovelies, it’s time for Hit it or Quit it, Week 16.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I hate goodbyes. I hate when Sundays end. I hate when I hear Carrie Underwood singing “You’ve been waiting all week for Sunday Night.” No, not because she is hotter than I am, or I am jealous of her perfect legs. I hate it because Sunday night signifies the end of the weekend and the end of my fantasy football game. Okay, I am being melodramatic; I still have Monday night to watch football. But by the time Sunday night comes, I already know if I won or lost. And so of course, yesterday I already had that same feeling, and it wasn’t good. So let’s make it into a metaphor… it’s the “Sunday night” of the fantasy football season for many of us, where most of the football games are behind us, and we are holding on to the last two weeks of fantasy land, the Monday night of the season.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Has any one set your gaze upon the mystifyingly glorious Great Pyramid of Giza? Perhaps you’ve often thought about, as I have, about dedicating your lives to attempt to discover the whereabouts of the remnants of the Ancient Gardens of Babylon? Indeed, we’ve all fantasized about having a magnificent statue erected of ourselves, such as the statue of Zeus at Olympia, where we shall ever be remembered for our celebrated conquests and remarkable achievements. Truly you, like me, Tehol Beddict, have ever fantasized about bending over some fair maiden in the Lighthouse of Alexandria, all the while marveling at the thunderous waves crash far below. If what I say is true, and you know it is, then you’ve more than likely often dreamt about the power and the glory that is none other than Julio Jones.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

dailyshow
I wonder if Peyton Manning was going against himself in fantasy football last week? Less than 5 points from Peyton during the fantasy playoffs sounds like a fantasy football player’s worst nightmare. How many teams did the prince of Papa Johns let down? And why does he wear a helmet that’s 3 sizes too small? Speaking of 5 fantasy points, that’s the total number of combined points scored by LeSean McCoy and Alfred Morris. And while we’re putting together an all-star squad of undroppable players that scored less than 5 points, let’s add Demaryius ThomasJosh Gordon and Jimmy Graham, who combined for 8.6 points. You’re sh*tting me, right? Those six studs put up a grand total of 18.52 points!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Well, well, well, here we are again my lovelies, Week 15!  We are a’tappin’ on the backdoor of playoff season.  This past week was very unkind to yours truly in the Fantasy Football area, as it seems my Black Widow Curse went on a feeding frenzy and decimated every piece of man soul on my rosters.  Hell, even George, the groundskeeper I picked up back in Week 3, went down with a severed spine AND a triple felony.  Yes, this has to be one of the most unforgiving Fantasy Football seasons I have ever had the displeasure of engaging in.  The amount of pain I have endured this season would make even the Marquis de Sade blush.  Thankfully, it is almost over and I can go back to my life of ComiCons and meth smoking.  Like I mentioned in my very first Hit it or Quit it post for Razzball, playing Fantasy Football is a lot like dating… sometimes you are the one doing the screwing, and sometimes you are the one getting screwed.  So, as we knock on the backdoor of playoffs, lay back, get comfy, throw on some Luther Vandross, and let me do my thing (I’ll even buy you dinner first) with this week’s Hit it or Quit it.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

This week is my week of regrets…. quarterbacks I regretted sitting, wide receivers I regretted dropping, running backs I regretted starting, teams I regretted rooting for, and Saturday… where I regretted drinking all night and failed to wake up before kick-off to lock my team in (at least the last one I have a decent excuse, it was my birthday Saturday). [Jay’s Note: Happy Birthday! If it helps, I’m still hung over from mine, and it was over two months ago…] I think one of the biggest regrets of mine is that all of this is happening during playoffs.

Please, blog, may I have some more?