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To be honest, I’m not really sure what to do with myself right now. As I’m writing today’s recap (which will be yesterday’s recap when you read this), I find myself essentially writing my first ever obituary. It’s certainly not a fun feeling writing about gruesome, year-threatening, maybe even career-threatening injuries, but seeing as this all came on a day where we saw the Cleveland Browns finally have an opportunity to understand what this “happiness” emotion is that they’ve heard so much about, but have never experienced, and that the Bills are officially on pace to go 16-0, we can try to find some sort of silver lining here. Or just realize that the world is about to come to an end. Also, LOL Jets.

 

Dolphins – 10, Bills – 29

E.J. Manuel – 16/26, 202 YDS, 1 TD and 4 CAR, 6 YDS. Manuel looks… competent. I don’t know if I can handle this.

C.J. Spiller – 12 CAR, 69 YDS and 1 REC, 9 YDS. Has some of the most exciting negative yardage plays I’ve ever seen. And depending on your league settings, He had 2 kick returns for 122 YDS and 1 touchdown. So, pretty much thanks for nothing in the leagues I own you in.

Sammy Watkins – 8 REC, 117 YDS, 1 TD. Quite possibly the break-through game for this rookie. I’m not huge on rookie wideouts, as you may know, since for every 20 Patterson’s, there’s just one Allen… but I’ll go out on a limb and state that Watkins could be closer to Allen than I originally thought.

Ryan Tannehill – 31/49, 241 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 4 CAR, 11 YDS. Is it just me, or is Tannehill basically turning into the next Andy Dalton, but with out all the ginger?

Knowshon Mareno – 1 CAR, 4 YDS. Dislocated his elbow, with a possible fracture, and he’s expected to miss 4-8 weeks. If you think that’s bad, it only gets worse…

Lamar Miller – 11 CAR, 46 YDS and 2 REC, 7 YDS. Welp, that was quick. Now that Moreno is officially out, it’s now Miller’s time to shi–lol, I wish.

Mike Wallace – 5 REC, 56 YDS, 1 TD. I’m not especially high on Wallace, nor am I low, and he just produced numbers that match my conclusion. So it would seem we both have no strong feelings on what his fantasy value is.

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Jaguars – 10, Washington Football Team – 41

Kirk Cousins – 22/33, 250 YDS, 2 TD and 1 CAR, -1 YDS. I’m not sure if Cousins is actually good, or if the Jaguars defense is just really bad. Either way, I’m sure there’ll be dozens of hot takes about how RG-3 should be traded/cut/sold in the mean time.

Robert Griffin III – 2/3, 38 YDS and 2 CAR, 22 YDS. There’s no timetable yet, but watching his ankle buckle live… well, it did not look promising. Right now, the team is calling it a dislocated left ankle, and surgery is looking likely. If so, his season is done. Luckily, you can still tweet with this type of injury, so all is not lost.

Alfred Morris – 22 CAR, 85 YDS, 2 TD. Not as valuable in PPR, but seeing him fall into the third and fourth rounds this season seemed odd. I’m glad he thinks so as well. Because players are totally motivated by their own fantasy scoring. Stop staring at me MJD.

Niles Paul – 8 REC, 99 YDS, 1 TD. Certainly a good game, and if you are in desperate (and I mean desperate) need of a tight end, you could do worse. But remember, he’s been in the league for some time, and while some would say he hasn’t been given an opportunity yet, I would say there’s a reason why.

DeSean Jackson – 1 REC, 19 YDS. Jackson has been diagnosed with a sprained AC joint. Is this even real? Does it involve cooling the body when it’s warm outside? He’s listed as day-to-day.

Pierre Garçon – 1 REC, 12 YDS. I actually looked this up, and he did not leave the game with an injury. Sometimes even when you win, you lose.

Toby Gerhart – 7 CAR, 8 YDS and 2 REC, 9 YDS. Toby Gerhart is a starting running back in the NFL. Let that sink in for a bit.

Marcedes Lewis – 2 REC, 71 YDS, 1 TD. “Thank God I started Marcedes Lewis today!” – Said no one ever.

 

Cowboys – 26, Titans – 10

Tony Romo – 19/29, 176 YDS, 1 TD. Romo was… competent?

DeMarco Murray – 29 CAR, 167 YDS, 1 TD and 1 REC, 6 YDS, 1 FUM. It’s apparent to me that Murray can only do three things– get touchdowns, lose a fumble, and get injured. And he’s always good for 2-out-of-the-3 every game.

Dez Bryant – 10 REC, 103 YDS, 1 TD. We still have Dez folks. You IR Gods, you stay away from him, you hear me?

Jake Locker – 18/34, 234 YDS, 1 TD, 2 INT and 2 CAR, 9 YDS. Look, a lot of ‘perts are going to take some crap for selling Locker to everyone this week. I have to admit, I wasn’t one of those people, but, then again, I was okay with the match-up… it wasn’t a bad one, and my rankings reflected that. So I guess only give me, say, 40% blame?

Delanie Walker – 10 REC, 142 YDS, 1 TD. Siri… Delanie Walker, what the f*ck?

 

Cardinals – 25, Giants – 14

Drew Stanton – 14/29, 167 YDS and 2 CAR, -1 YDS. Drew Stanton is terrible? Who knew?

Andre Ellington – 15 CAR, 91 YDS. Whatever they put in the boot he’s wearing, keep doing it.

Michael Floyd – 1 REC, 19 YDS. Don’t worry, I already filed the missing persons report.

Eli Manning – 26/39, 277 YDS, 2 TD, 2 INT and 1 CAR, 5 YDS. I have a weird existential crisis when I remember that Eli Manning is older than me.

Rashad Jennings – 18 CAR, 64 YDS and 4 REC, 45 YDS. Had one the derpiest fumbles late in the game to make sure Tom Coughlin goes on an apple sauce spree this week.

Larry Donnell – 7 REC, 81 YDS. Apparently, the only Giants receiver who decided not to put wax on his hands.

Victor Cruz – 5 REC, 60 YDS. Cruz is dropping balls like a 12 year old Hebrew school class.

 

Patriots – 30, Vikings 7

Tom Brady – 15/22, 149 YDS, 1 TD and 1 CAR, 0 YDS. Well, a bit underwhelming, but better than last week. Why is it I get the sudden urge to buy Uggs when I write up his blurbs?

Steven Ridley – 25 CAR, 101 YDS, 1 TD. Will certainly produce good numbers until he fumbles. Stay on a swivel folks.

Shane Vereen – 6 CAR, 40 YDS and 1 REC, 0 YDS. Is he sleeping with somebody else’s wife, who Bill Belichick is also sleeping with?

Rob Gronkowski – 4 REC, 32 YDS. Anyone else shocked Gronk’s still not injured?

Matt Asiata – 13 CAR, 36 YDS and 5 REC, 48 YDS, 1 TD. I think I might change my fantasy football team name to Peterson Bait ‘n Switch.

Adrian Peterson – The case will now be reviewed under the NFL’s new domestic violence policy. First-time offenders get a six-game suspension, minimum, and it looks as if the Vikings will be making an announcement on this situation later today.

 

Saints – 24, Browns – 26

Terrence West – 19 CAR, 68 YDS, 1 TD and 2 REC, 22 YDS. There’s a lot of hype for both West and Crowell, and it appears there will be somewhat of a time share here. I still like West as the main guy while Tate is out, but Crowell is making a case here.

Andrew Hawkins – 6 REC, 70 YDS. Looks to be the point of the Brown’s passing attack spear. Isn’t saying much, but Hoyer has to throw it to somebody, especially after Miles Austin’s week 4 IR trip.

Drew Brees – 27/40, 237 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT and 1 CAR, 3 YDS. I do not like this “Saints– Power Running Team!” development.

Mark Ingram – 11 CAR, 83 YDS, 1 TD and 3 REC, 21 YDS. Are we sure that’s Mark Ingram?

Jimmy Graham – 10 REC, 118 YDS, 2 TD. There were at least three “Jimmy Graham played basketball” references. Finish your drinks, throw a cat a the TV, and punch a window.

 

Falcons – 10, Bengals – 24

Andy Dalton – 15/23, 252 YDS, 1 TD and 3 CAR, 6 YDS. – But what if this was a playoff game? Something, something, ginger.

Mohamed Sanu – 1/1, 50 YDS and 3 REC, 84 YDS, 1 TD. Wait, what?

Giovani Bernard – 27 CAR, 90 YDS, 1 TD and 5 REC, 79 YDS. Not quite sure if this was more a function of what appears to be a porous (understatement alert!) Falcons defense, but give credit where credit is due. Good job Falcons!

Jeremy Hill – 15 CAR, 74 YDS, 1 and 2 REC, 22 YDS. Falcons defense wanted that extra credit as well.

A.J. Green – The initial testing on his foot was negative for broken bones and he’s been diagnosed with “turf toe”. At this point, it’s being reported that he’ll most likely return after the Bengals week 4 bye. I would advise caution here, this type of ligament strain has been known to affect players for an entire season…

Matt Ryan – 24/44, 231 YDS, 1 TD, 3 INT and 3 CAR, 28 YDS. Matt Ryan = Matty Ice. Ice = Cold. Cold = Matt Ryan. See, I can math.

 

Lions – 7, Panthers – 24

Cam Newton – 22/34, 281 YDS, 1 TD and 4 CAR, 19 YDS. – Strategy well done. Plenty of more ribs to injure Cam, just putting that out there.

Greg Olsen – 6 REC, 72 YDS. only 816 more YDS, and 8 more touchdowns to go!

Jonathan Stewart – 15 CAR, 37 YDS, 1 TD and 1 REC, 22 YDS. Are there special glasses you can buy that allow you to watch the Panthers running game without your eyes burning?

Mathew Stafford – 27/48, 291 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 1 CAR, 8 YDS. Lions lose when he doesn’t throw a touchdown to Calvin Johnson? Who woulda thunk it?

Joique Bell – 10 CAR, 36 YDS and 6 REC, 61 YDS. Well, Reggie Bush did marginally worse, so there’s that. Not sure if that should make Bush fell bad or Bell, but there it is.

 

Rams – 19, Buccaneers – 17

Zac Stacy – 19 CAR, 71 YDS, 1 TD. See, told you not to worry. Breathe, breathe, everything’s going to be just fine…

Brian Quick – 7 REC, 74 YDS. The Quick puns need to stop or I’m going to quickly engage in some stigmata.

Josh McCown – 16/21, 179 YDS, 1 INT and 2 CAR, 6 YDS. MCCOWN TOWN.

Bobby Rainey – 22 CAR, 144 YDS, 3 REC, 30 YDS. Doug Martin who?

Doug Martin – There have been no updates yet on Doug Martin’s knee, but he was a last minute scratch and I imagine he’ll be questionable this week, making you question why you drafted him.

 

Seahawks – 21, Chargers – 30

Philip Rivers – 28/37, 284 YDS, 3 TD and 11 CAR, 17 YDS. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Antonio Gates – 7 REC, 96 YDS, 3 TD. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Eddie Royal – 7 REC, 69 YDS. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Ryan Mathews – 11 CAR, 31 YDS and 2 REC, 26 YDS. WOOOOOOO… AW F*CK. The initial prognosis is a right knee injury, most likely a sprained MCL. There’s no time table as of yet, but a sprain is always better than a tear. Excuse me while I remove my captain obvious hat. While Donald Brown is next up, I wouldn’t really recommend him unless you have a hole on your bench.

Russell Wilson – 17/25, 202 YDS. 2 TD and 2 CAR, 18 YDS. Made most of the three minutes the Seahawks had the ball. “Go hawks!”

Marshawn Lynch – 6 CAR, 36 YDS and 4 REC, 27 YDS.

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Percy Harvin – 1 REC, 5 YDS and 2 CAR, 45 YDS, 1 TD. Please send all donations to the NFL Replay studio.

 

Texans – 30, Raiders – 14

Ryan Fitzpatrick – 14/19, 139 YDS, 2 TD. Ryan Fitzpatrick looks like he’s going to bury his axe into a haunch of venison and grab a goblet of mead.

Arian Foster – 28 CAR, 138 YDS, 1 TD and 2 REC, 12 YDS. Wow. We sure he didn’t injure something here? ARE WE SURE?

Darren McFadden – 4 CAR, 58 YDS and 2 REC, 31 YDS. McFadden running? I’m just going to assume that his legs will fall off anytime between now and next Sunday.

James Jones – 9 REC, 112 YDS, 1 TD. My bench just cheered.

 

Jets – 24, Packers – 31

Aaron Rodgers – 25/42, 346 YDS, 3 TD and 6 CAR, 28 YDS. “Fire Dom Capers… into the sun.” – Aaron Rodgers, 9/14/2014

Eddie Lacy – 13 CAR, 43 YDS and 2 REC, 18 YDS. “Burp.” – Eddie Lacy, 9/14/2014.

Jordy Nelson – 9 REC, 209 YDS, 1 TD. “Any time you hear: First lead of the day when referring to playing against the Jets, it should be the beginning of the game.” – Jordy Nelson, 9/14/2014.

Eric Decker – 4 REC, 63 YDS, 1 TD. Totally jealous of the guy that started Decker in fantasy. Haha, just kidding.

 

Chiefs – 17, Broncos – 24

Peyton Manning – 21/26, 242 YDS, 3 TD and 1 CAR, -1 YDS. Over/under 1.5 months before Peyton Manning does a commercial for Mutual of Omaha Insurance?

Montee Ball – 12 CAR, 60 YDS and 3 REC, 29 YDS. It’s only been two weeks, but I’m just sayin’. That’s it man. I’m just sayin’. You know? Just sayin’…

Demaryius Thomas – 5 REC, 62 YDS, 1 TD. Still waiting for Demyrius Thomas to do something…

Jamaal Charles – 2 CAR, 4 YDS and 1 REC, 8 YDS. Early indications are that Charles’ ankle sprain is “mild”, and is scheduled for an MRI later today. While an Achilles injury was feared, the news seems a bit better right now. I just hope he’s alright. Mostly because he’s an undroppable player and he would be clogging up a roster spot for me the rest of the year. But also because I’m a good person (mostly).

Knile Davis – 22 CAR, 79 YDS, 2 TD and 6 REC, 26 YDS. Knile Davis: Most waiver pickups or mostest waiver pickups?

Travis Kelce – 4 REC, 81 YDS. Not like Denver’s secondary has a history of giving up ridiculous deep completions or anything.

 

Bears – 28, 49ers – 20

Jay Cutler – 23/34, 176 YDS, 4 TD and 5 CAR, 25 YDS.

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Matt Forte – 12 CAR, 21 YDS and 5 REC, 15 YDS.

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Brandon Marshall – 5 REC, 48 YDS, 3 TD. Jesus, if I wanted to watch a wide receiver destroy zone coverage, I would have just re-watched the Giants game today.

Alshon Jeffery – 3 REC, 47 YDS.

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Colin Kaepernick – 21/34, 248 YDS, 1 TD, 3 INT and 9 CAR, 66 YDS. “We’re not gonna let you run it, but throw it all you like.” – Bears. AND IT WORKED.

Frank Gore – 13 CAR, 63 YDS, 1 TD and 2 REC, 12 YDS. So, the stories of your demise have been greatly exaggerated…

Michael Crabtree – 7 REC, 82 YDS, 1 TD.

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