I can only assume you have read everyone else’s take on Adam Schefter, but it confirms what we’ve been postulating on this very very blurb column. In revealing that he allowed the Washington Football team’s then-president to edit an article about the Washington Football Team, it’s all out in the open now: Big Time Sports Journalists aren’t actually Journalists. Probably better for them in the long run, as most people associate the J-word with lapses in ethics, propaganda, and death threats at this point.
Absolutely nothing will come of this, because Big Sports Insiders (Schefter calls himself an NFL insider on his social media, not a journalist or reporter, which is as semantically important as leaving the word “Peanut” out of “Peanut Butter.” You erase that peanut, you kill some kids with sandwiches, and that’s a PROMISE) do not actively hide their role as PR appendages of a larger entertainment industry. This isn’t David Copperfield, and no one made an airplane disappear. Remember when he did that on television, and tons of people watched knowing it was an illusion? That’s NFL Journalism. We read every update, argue with hot take bots, and continue to feed the machine our precious tokens because fun is all there is.
Coincidentally, I noticed a huge chunk of RotoSportsEdgeWorld.com’s blurbs are now being entered without sources. No links to Twitter, other blurb sites, or even half-baked-fan-run websites used to artificially spike player value. I know it will probably be fixed tomorrow, but I have screenshots because I am a bizarre person whose dearest friends are procrastination and confirmation bias. It’s hard to look away as the facade entirely slips away, and we are left clutching orphaned blurbs, baskets of them arriving on our doorstep, with nary a hint of their origin.
To the blurbs, folks, to the blurbs!
A Blurbstomp Reminder
We will analyze player blurbs from a given evening, knowing that 1-2 writers are usually responsible for all the player write ups posted within an hour of the game results. We will look at:
- Flowery Diction – how sites juice up descriptions of player performance
- Q and Q – when a site contradicts a player valuation on back-to-back blurbs
- Tammy Faye Power of Faith Trophy – when the blurbist’s morals and ethics bleed into the blurb
- Stephen A. Smith IMG_4346.jpeg Award – Given to the player blurb that promises the most and delivers the least.
The hope is that by season’s end, we’ll all feel more confident about our player evaluations when it comes to the waiver wire. We will read blurbs and not be swayed by excessive superlatives, faulty injury reporting, and micro-hype. I will know that I have done my job when Grey posts, and there isn’t a single question about catchers that he did not address in his post. Onward to Roto Wokeness!
Flowery Diction
Titans designated RB Darrynton Evans for return from injured reserve.
The Titans are throwing a lot more to their running backs this season. So much so that Jeremy McNichols is PPR RB34, while Derrick Henry is on pace to set a new career high in targets by mid-season. If Evans returns to the pass catching role he was expected to play heading into 2021, he could have significant value the rest of the way. The Titans have a 21-day period to add Evans to their 53-man roster, so it still could be multiple weeks before he plays. Evans still makes for a good preemptive waiver wire add where available.
Source: Rotoedgesportsworld.com
“Where available” is a phrase that does not apply to Darrynton Evans, as it confers impending scarcity on a player who is available in 97% of leagues, as per Fantasypros.com. This was true a week ago, and it is still true today. He’s not even ranked on Donkey’s Week 6 RB rankings, certainly not anywhere close to RB34 anywhere else.
I have a process and a threshold when digesting a “Where Available” blurb. First I check team ownership levels. Then it’s on to the league’s “Research” page to check out if the player is on the Most Added list. If the player is on the Most Added list, I check out systems and team PR reports to see if there is upside to gain, both this week and for the rest of the season.
97% available is not “Where Available.” 97% available is the 40 copies of R.E.M.’s Monster in the Sam Goody discount bin. It’s the sketchy Lo Mein at your local Chinese buffet. It is the rule of three’s in comedy. 97% available is forever, friends.
Tammy Faye Faith Trophy
Jaguars so-called coach Urban Meyer said “the ownership of this is with the players.”
During his weekly radio show with 1010XL AM, Meyer went on a long fake spiel about “earning the players trust back” following his viral videos after skipping the team flight and attempting to “move forward” with the locker room in unison. He also said “the ownership of this team is with the players,” suggesting the 53-man roster that he singlehandedly ignored and destroyed is to blame for Jacksonville’s 0-4 start. Owner Shad Kahn reaffirmed his confidence (and disappointment) in Meyer on Tuesday but this fairy tale is headed in one obvious direction. A multi-score loss to Tennessee on Sunday would be damning.
Source: Rotoedgeworldsports.com
In light of Chuckie’s not-at-all-surprising-but-boy-did-everyone-act-surprised resignation, I submit Rotoworld’s handling of Urban Meyer’s salacious little experience. This blurb has everything you’d expect from a morning show chucklehead, and not a fantasy sports blurb:
- “So-called coach.” When laying down some hot sarcasm, we all reach for a 15th-century adjective, amiright?
- “Meyer went on a long fake spiel….” When catty, best not to employ redundancy.
- “He also said, “The ownership of this team is with the players,’ suggesting the 53-man roster that he singlehandedly (sic) ignored and destroyed is to blame.”
I don’t mean to be hyperbolic, but this is the worst case of inference I’ve ever experienced, and I taught high school English for a decade. What I infer from the ownership statement is simple: Meyer is admitting he’s broken the team’s trust, and it’s up to the players to forgive him. Accusing him of ignoring and destroying an entire 53-man roster is the elementary school version of saying there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. The blurbists’ morals and ethics lie on this digital page, and he even said damn. The blurbist cursed!
I’m sure someone can find another instance somewhere, but I can’t remember the last time I saw a curse word in a blurb. Cursing is fun! People get shocked and excited, even titillated if you do so economically. Congratulations, blurbist, you have managed to make me laugh, get confused, angry, and then puzzlingly titillated. It’s just like sitting down to watch It’s a Wonderful Life. Don’t deny your attraction to Donna Reed at the end of the movie. She’s amazing. Her husband absolutely loses his mind, loses his business, abuses his children, and abandons his family, and she still goes out and gets the whole town to save the business and convince him to love himself. If that doesn’t get your dander dancing, I can’t help you (or I need help, where’s my Donna???).
By the by, Gruden did get a blurb. I’m all for establishing niche hierarchies, but I’m not willing to do so with egregious abusive behavior. Do compare Gruden’s blurb with Meyer’s though:
The Wall Street Journal reports Raiders coach Jon Gruden sent an email that used a racist trope to describe NFLPA executive director DeMaurice Smith during the 2011 lockout.
The Wall Street Journal reports Gruden wrote “Dumboriss Smith has lips the size of michellin tires” in his sent email during the height of the 2011 NFL lockout. Gruden, who recently apologized, said he was upset with how Smith was handling the CBA talks at the time, reaffirming to the WSJ that he “used a horrible way of explaining it.” The NFL has since released an empty statement on the matter, stating the league “condemns the statement and regret any harm that its publication may inflict on Mr. Smith or anyone else.” The league is also reportedly sharing emails pertaining to Gruden with the Raiders while a person familiar with the matter, per WSJ Sports, said the NFL is currently discussing Gruden’s status with the club. This story is far from over.
Source: Rotoedgeworldsports.com
Note the absence of moralizing, and strangely enough, not a single mention of team-destroying behavior. I know I’m against hierarchies, but I would assume that Gruden’s sins would at least equal those of Meyer. New fantasy category, Head Coach Sins!
Stephen A. Smith IMG_4346.jpeg Award
Texans released WR Anthony Miller.
The Texans traded a fifth round pick from Miller and a seventh round pick this summer, taking a low risk flier on the the 2018 second round pick. Miller’s Texans career lasted just two games, finishing with a line of 5-for-23 yards and TD on 11 targets. Miller’s career outlook looks bleak, but he’ll likely land with another team at some point this season.
Source: Rotoedgeworldsports.com
“Not great, Bob: Texans release WR Anthony Miller.” That is the headline Rotoworld used to get you to click on this blurb. Chock full of confusing grammar, it also stands as a pillar of fantasy sports clickbait. I don’t believe anyone had faith in Anthony Miller’s fantasy relevance this season. Much like Schefter’s role as part of the NFL’s “swamp,” nothing has been revealed. Couching this bit of news in a Mad Men meme is bizarre. I could think of a bunch of memes that apply to a football team releasing a player that few expected to make the 53-man roster. The Blinking Guy would be great. If this blurb was a Shakespeare play title, it would be “Much Ado about Nothing.” Can’t believe Shakespeare was into the whole self-hate thing. If he had Donna Reed around, he probably would have felt a bit better about that play. He probably would’ve called it “A Big Deal About Something.” Probably would’ve gotten a bigger midwestern audience. I’m pretty sure Nora Ephron based her entire career around this thesis.
Have a good weekend, my friends, because I’m in the college mindset. In college, the weekend begins on Thursday, because it’s fun to play games with time. If you expand your weekend, you tend to ignore that your childhood idea of time is now completely gone, that your opportunity to reinvent yourself has backfired, that R. Crumb quotation, “At least I hate myself as much as I hate everyone else,” still lives in your heart. No amount of 4 Loko can change that. There is only true anodyne, and her name is Donna.
