In a thrilling day of footballing, there were nine games decided by a touchdown or less, three games decided by a field goal or less, and two overtime victories. It was enough to make some teams (looking directly at you Jim Caldwell and the Lions) wonder why someone like Alex Henery, who single-handedly (or footedly? Is that a word?) lost the game against the Kyle Orton led Bills 17-14, (to what was a 58-yard field goal to Dan Carpenter) still holds a job in the NFL. Missing one field goal is okay. Missing two is unacceptable. Missing three in a game, one of which came with 51 seconds remaining… well… if anything, Henery should be immediately cut just for allowing the above photo to be a thing. Fun fact: If you look up the word “d*ckish” in the dictionary, you’ll find a smug Jim Schwartz smiling right back at you. And while you could easily see getting carried off the field after beating Detroit in the fifth week of the regular season as the most Buffalo thing ever (landing as a tie with eating and drinking too much before sobbing uncontrollably… or is that Cleveland?), apparently asking your team to do this in the preseason, as far back as OTA’s seems, I don’t know, spiteful? Smarmy? Maladjusted? Well, to be fair, with Schwartz, no one would ever see him being that kind of guy… But hey, some good came out of this. Kyle Orton threw for over 300+ yards with a touchdown against the number one ranked defense in the NFL, which is pretty good. And probably the eighth sign that the end of the world is here.
Bears – 24, Panthers – 31
Cam Newton – 19/35, 255 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT and 6 CAR, 9 YDS. Still doesn’t look comfortable running the football, but has been steady, if not spectacular choice so far, much like my girlfriend during high school.
Darrin Reaves – 11 CAR, 35 YDS and 1 REC, 16 YDS. With DeAngelo Williams (ankle) and Jonathan Stewart (knee) sidelined, Darrin Reaves took their roles of being totally insignificant.
Greg Olsen – 6 REC, 72 YDS, 2 TD. OLSEN WATCH, 2014: With 27 REC, 326 YDS, and 4 TD on the season, he’s only 56 REC, 645 YDS, and 5 TD away from my lofty goals! I’m sorry, our lofty goals.
Jay Cutler – 28/36, 289 YDS, 2 TD, 2 INT and 3 CAR, 22 YDS, 1 TD.
Matt Forte – 17 CAR, 61 YDS and 12 REC, 105 YDS, 1 TD. Forte is not impressed with your so-called tackling, Panthers.
Alshon Jeffery – 6 REC, 97 YDS, 1 TD. Now has either 100 yards or a touchdown in each of his last three games. Which is kinda like saying, here have some Cialis or some Cialis. CHOOSE WISELY.
Brandon Marshall – 3 REC, 44 YDS. He seemed healthy, but was not involved whatsoever in the second half, save one drive. In fact, we have to go back to Week 2 when he was actually fantasy relevant, and even then, it was because of three touchdowns, not the 48 yards receiving. Are there still issues with his ankle, or is it the opponents game planning? Going against a pretty weak Falcons secondary should give us the answers to the biggest mystery known to man since trying to figure out if the spaceship in Intersteller driven by Matthew McConaughey is actually a Lincoln or not. The suspense!
Browns – 29, Titans – 28
Brian Hoyer – 21/37, 292 YDS, 3 TD, 1 INT and 3 CAR, 2 YDS. I’m still pretty sure Johnny Manziel’s BAC level was higher than Hoyer’s quarterback rating yesterday. Just a hunch.
Ben Tate – 22 CAR, 123 YDS and 1 REC, -2 YDS. Looks like the Terrence West and Isaiah Crowell situation gained some further clarity, and if he continues to get starting reps against the Steelers next week, you’ll thank yourself for riding this train instead of the Gerhart train, which is basically just a trash can on wheels rolling down a hill.
Taylor Gabriel – 4 REC, 95 YDS. Me: “Siri, who is Taylor Gabriel, and what does he do?” Siri: “Gabriel is a gadget-type receiver who is coming off a Week 3 game in which he had 81 YDS. Now upgrade iTunes BEFORE I BURN YOU AND YOUR FAMILY ALIVE.”
Charlie Whitehurst – 13/21, 194 YDS, 2 TD and 2 CAR, -1 YDS. The second coming of our Lord and Savior…
Jake Locker – 8/11, 79 YDS, 1 TD and 4 CAR, 34 YDS, 1 TD. The X-rays on Locker’s right thumb came out negative, so there’s no fracture, but will still get an MRI later today to see about any other damage. Which makes me wonder if some of the teams where I’ve owned him should also receive a MRI.
Kendall Wright – 6 REC, 47 YDS, 2 TD and 2 CAR, 43 YDS. Oh, good. Just in time for my benching of you. Perfect. I can’t even spite-release you after that showing. Ugh.
Justin Hunter – 3 REC, 99 YDS, 1 TD. Essentially morphing into the Titans very own Torrey Smith. I think it’s wonderful. Fantasy needs more speedy and seemingly very skilled young players with loads of potential to be as random and inconsistent as possible.
Rams – 28, Eagles – 34
Nick Foles – 24/37, 207 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT, and 2 CAR, 13 YDS. A nice bounce back game just in time for you not to use him as a bye-week fill-in.
LeSean McCoy – 24 CAR, 81 YDS and 4 REC, 5 YDS. Gaining more than 20 or so yards is a positive here, which sounds depressing, but the lack of any scoring is causing a lot of frustration. But enough about me.
Jeremy Maclin – 5 REC, 76 YDS, 1 TD. Maclin was targeted 11 times, the fourth time he’s had that many balls thrown his way. Getting balls thrown at you is nice, but his play is sporadic enough where I’m not ready to classify him as a dependable WR1. A true number one has balls thrust upon him. He must embrace the balls. Breathe them. You get where I’m going with this, and it’s in no way sexual.
Austin Davis – 29/49, 375 YDS, 3 TD. While it’s commendable, the job he’s done, it’s come against Dallas and Philly for the most part, teams that I think I could at least throw a few hundred yards against, and he has San Francisco and Seattle for his next two games.
Zac Stacy – 11 CAR, 42 YDS and 4 REC, 36 YDS. Left the game with a left calf injury (during the third third quarter) and did not return. We’ll have to wait for his injury update, but as of now, Benny Cunningham (7 CAR, 47 YDS, 1 TD and 3 REC, 24 YDS) is your official handcuff add this week. Probably unofficial too, seeing as how either descriptor means absolutely nothing in this context.
Brian Quick – 5 REC, 87 YDS, 2 TD. Adding fuel to the mythical fire (Prometheus much bro?) of third-year receivers breaking out, Quick is now on pace for 1,288 yards, 12 touchdowns and 84 catches. And surprise! He is, in fact, quick. Puns galore from this point forward, warp 9… engage!
Buccaneers – 31, Saints – 37
Drew Brees – 35/57, 371 YDS, 2 TD, 3 INT and 1 CAR, -1 YDS. Breesus interceptioned for all of our sins. Just FYI.
Khiry Robinson – 21 CAR, 89 YDS, 1 TD and 1 REC, 8 YDS. It’s a personal thing, but I mispronounce Khiry Robinson’s name in my head all the time because I secretly want his name to be Kirby.
Pierre Thomas – 4 CAR, 35 YDS, 1 TD and 8 REC, 77 YDS, 1 TD. Pierre Thomas is winning my bench! F*ck you.
Doug Martin – 14 CAR, 45 YDS and 3 REC, 29 YDS. I deserve this for starting Doug Martin everywhere.
Vincent Jackson – 8 REC, 144 YDS. I would expect Vincent Jackson, the tallest Buccaneers receiver, to be Mike Glennon’s number one target. After all, he’s probably the closest one to a Giraffe’s eye level…
Falcons – 20, Giants – 30
Eli Manning – 19/30, 200 YDS, 2 TD and 2 CAR, -3 YDS. It’s really weird typing this, but Eli Manning is probably a must-start against a weak Eagles secondary in Week 6. I would give a lot of credit to Ben McAdoo if I could actually take someone named McAdoo seriously.
Andre Williams – 20 CAR, 65 YDS, 1 TD and 2 REC, 18 YDS. Was the primary running back when Rashad Jennings (10 CAR, 55 YDS and 2 REC, 17 YDS) exited the game in the second quarter from a knee injury. He’ll undergo an MRI later today, but it should be noted (so I shall note!) that Williams had more redzone snaps then that of Jennings. I’m sensing more of timeshare from this point forward no matter what.
Odell Beckham Jr. – 4 REC, 44 YDS, 1 TD. I don’t mind this Beckam Jr. kid so far.
Victor Cruz – 3 REC, 22 YDS. I actually thought Cruz was getting better. I wish I could blame that on drugs, because that would mean I had some drugs.
Matt Ryan – 29/45, 316 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT. I didn’t think the offensive line would be affected this much, but they did not do well against a “well, I’m not completely sure it’s good, but I don’t think they suck either” Giants defense, but you’d have to think that the Bears will allow Ryan plenty of time to put up his numbers in Week 6.
Steven Jackson – 13 CAR, 37 YDS, 1 TD and 5 REC, 37 YDS. Giving up a touchdown to 2014 Steven Jackson is embarrassing.
Antone Smith – 1 CAR, 2 YDS and 3 REC, 83 YDS, 1 TD. All he does is sweep to the sideline and run for touchdowns. Not a bad thing.
Texans – 17, Cowboys – 20
The Texans-Cowboys game condensed into six seconds…
Tony Romo – 28/41, 324 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT. The Cowboys and Tony Romo’s late-season collapse to miss the playoffs is going to be called the fappening 3.0… but totally legal.
DeMarco Murray – 31 CAR, 136 YDS and 6 REC, 56 YDS, 1 FUM. When he’s not fumbling it up in epic fashion, Murray is pretty damn good. When he’s not fumbling up in epic fashion, that is.
Dez Bryant – 9 REC, 85 YDS, 1 TD. I believe I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating, Dez Bryant is good at footballing.
Terrence Williams – 2 REC, 71 YDS, 1 TD. Two good fantasy producing weeks in a row? Who are you and what did you do with the real Terrence Williams?
Arian Foster – 23 CAR, 157 YDS, 2 TD and 2 REC, 15 YDS. So… those hamstring woes, not so woeish anymore. Then again, he only has four days until their TNF game against the Colts, which could mean less time to injure something… or just enough time to injure something.
Bills – 17, Lions – 14
Kyle Orton – 30/43, 308 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 1 CAR, 0 YDS. My personal hero showed me some different things yesterday. At times, he got me jacked up. Jack Daniels, that is. But there were a few times where he still looked like a knob. Knob Creek, that is. But everything came up roses for Orton at the end. Four Roses, that is. And with a thrilling win against the Lions, you’d have to say his detractors will be helping themselves to a healthy serving of crow. Old Crow, that is. Something something bourbon joke.
C.J. Spiller – 10 CAR, 8 YDS and 3 REC, 25 YDS. Dear Mr. Spiller, If you aren’t going rush for any yards or get any touchdowns, maybe you should learn to kick field goals so I can actually get some fantasy points. Thanks! Signed– Me.
Sammy Watkins – 7 REC, 87 YDS. Jim Caldwell almost changed expressions watching Sammy Watkins do his thing, so I can only surmise he must be legit.
Matthew Stafford – 18/31, 221 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 3 CAR, 8 YDS. He’s definitely putting up a strong case that he sucks without Megatron. The evidence just blows me away thus far.
Reggie Bush – 6 CAR, 13 YDS and 2 REC, 30 YDS. Went down in the second quarter with an ankle injury and was already downplaying the severity after the game. George Winn (11 CAR, 48 YDS) was the primary back, leading me to believe that the Lions literally grabbed someone off the street and suited them up during half time.
Calvin Johnson – 1 REC, 7 YDS. The severity of his right ankle is still not known, but there are preliminary reports stating he could be out two weeks or more. He’ll be evaluated further later today, but is doubtful for at least Week 6. Dear Mr. Megatron, Dammit. Signed– Me. Enter… Golden Tate (7 REC, 134 YDS, 1 TD), you are now the only healthy thing in this offense. Good luck.
Ravens – 13, Colts – 20
Andrew Luck – 32/49, 312 YDS, 1 TD, 2 INT and 6 CAR, 12 YDS, 1 TD. Still on pace for career numbers. To get there, he just needs a little bit of… luck?
Trent Richardson – 9 CAR, 37 YDS and 4 REC, 10 YDS. God, it amazes me how consistent he is at being terrible. He’s essentially a crappy fantasy metronome.
Dwayne Allen – 4 REC, 59 YDS, 1 TD. There’s not much yardage going on here, but he already has four touchdowns this season. I would say all he does is score, but that makes me very jealous.
Joe Flacco – 22/38, 235 YDS, 1 INT. Wait… does this mean Flacco isn’t as elite as we thought? Say it ain’t so!
Justin Forsett – 6 CAR, 42 YDS, 1 TD and 7 REC, 55 YDS. Lorenzo Taliaferro (5 CAR, 18 YDS) was the second back into the game, followed by Bernard Pierce (4 CAR, 30 YDS). I was expecting more running backs to get out of the clown car, but I guess they ran out.
Steelers – 17, Jaguars – 9
The Steelers-Jaguars game condensed into four seconds…
LeVeon Bell – 15 CAR, 82 YDS. Blah blah blah…
Antonio Brown – 5 REC, 84 YDS. Yadda yadda yadda…
Heath Miller – 3 REC, 46 YDS. Why has Heath Miller never done an ad for Heath bars? This really bothers me.
Michael Palmer – 1 REC, 1 YDS, 1 TD. Who? I didn’t even know the Steelers had another tight end. You would have figured Ben Roethlisberger would have taken advantage of it sooner. HUUURRR.
Blake Bortles – 22/36, 191 YDS, 2 INT and 4 CAR, 14 YDS. Rookies are going to rookie. That’s what they call “expert” analysis right there folks.
Cardinals – 20, Broncos – 41
Peyton Manning – 31/47, 479 YDS, 4 TD, 2 INT and 2 CAR, -2 YDS. The Peyton 500 will be the first NASCAR race in Denver.
Montee Ball – 6 CAR, 7 YDS and 2 REC, 11 YDS. Yeah, I think I’m tired of watching Montee Ball. Here’s an idea… why not hire Michael Irvin as an offensive line coach? He knows a thing or two about a good line. Regardless, it looks like Ball will be out for a while from suffering a severe groin pull. He’ll be going in for a MRI later today, where I wouldn’t be surprised if they found out he’s had this injury all season. Looks like Ronnie Hillman (15 CAR, 64 YDS) is the add here, with C.J. Anderson vulturing stuff here and there.
Demaryius Thomas – 8 REC, 226 YDS, 2 TD. That was quite nice to see. Thank you, Demariyus.
Drew Stanton – 11/26, 118 YDS. Stanton’s kinda bad, guys. Carson Palmer is expected to return in Week 6, but I would be cautious in your anticipation. First of all, because it’s Carson Palmer. Secondly, nerve damage is a serious thing, and they’ve been expecting him back every week since he got injured.
Logan Thomas – 1/8, 81 YDS, 1 TD. The Logan Thomas Era is upon us? Not likely. But just think, we can say we were there for Logan Thomas’ only NFL start.
Andre Ellington – 16 CAR, 32 YDS, 1 TD and 4 REC, 112 YDS, 1 TD. The YPC was a concern, and if not for a Denver secondary completely whiffing on a huge 81-yard catch and score, his line would look very underwhelming. But Week 6 brings in Washington, which can’t defend much of anything, including public relations.
Larry Fitzgerald – 3 REC, 57 YDS. Who’s that #11 for Arizona? He looks vaguely familiar…
Chiefs – 17, 49ers – 22
Colin Kaepernick – 14/26, 201 YDS, 1 TD and 10 CAR, 18 YDS. If he sucks at “Kaepernicking”, do we still have to call it that? Why is it called a “hamburger” if there’s no ham? Why do we say “a pair of pants” if it’s only one thing? So many questions world!
Frank Gore – 18 CAR, 107 YDS. Was it AARP day at Levi’s Staudium?
Brandon Lloyd – 3 REC, 76 YDS. Hey, you’re not Crabtree…
Jamaal Charles – 15 CAR, 80 YDS and 1 REC, 4 YDS. He received only five touches after halftime, which seems normal for Andy Reid. That is, if losing to five field goals, a fake punt, and relinquishing the lead on a fourth down trick-play wasn’t enough to convince you.
Travis Kelce – 2 REC, 15 YDS, 1 TD.
If you wanna be the man, you gotta beat the man coverage!
Jets – 0, Chargers – 31
Philip Rivers – 20/28, 288 YDS, 3 TD, 1 INT and 2 CAR, 3 YDS. Stop it, my penis can only be so erect.
Donald Brown – 9 CAR, 26 YDS and 1 REC, 4 YDS. Left the game with a concussion after a nasty hit by Quinton Coples. He walked to the locker room under his own power, but from this point forward, I wouldn’t be surprised if he started losing a lot of volume, a role that the Chargers are more comfortable having him in, with or without Ryan Mathews.
Branden Oliver – 19 CAR, 114 YDS, 1 TD and 4 REC, 68 YDS, 1 TD. XL Sproles can’t be stopped folks, and despite how well he played yesterday, Oliver’s best work was done as a hobbit in Lord of the Rings. Yes, Oliver is for real and his role will only expand from here on out. Depending on Brown’s concussion, he could be relevant against Oakland and Kansas City, but more importantly, what is his role when Mathews returns (mostly likely in two weeks)? I could see him be like the aforementioned poor man’s Sproles, and a fringe flex match-up option (with a chance for more). If that has value compared to your depth, he’s a must-add.
Antonio Gates – 4 REC, 60 YDS, 2 TD. Just in time to make your bench look good.
Geno Smith – 4/12, 27 YDS, 1 INT. I don’t like jumping to conclusions, but maybe… just maybe, Geno Smith could be a terrible quarterback…
Michael Vick – 8/19, 47 YDS. I didn’t think it would be possible to be worse than Geno Smith, but here we are. Someone just wake me up from my nap and let me know when the Jets bench both Smith and Vick and just put in a position player at quarterback for the rest of the season. Chris Johnson (7 CAR, 24 YDS and 1 REC, -2 YDS, 1 FUM) is an idea… he’s not really doing any thing else this year.
Bengals – 17, Patriots – 43
Tom Brady – 23/35, 292 YDS, 2 TD and 4 CAR, 13 YDS. Had his first multi-touchdown game of the season and passed 50,000 yards passing, placing him sixth all-time. Combined with Manning’s 500+ touchdowns, the Brett Favre name drops came fast and furious. And just like the movies, it was just way 2 much fast, and way 2 much furiosity.
Rob Gronkowski – 6 REC, 100 YDS, 1 TD. GRONK MAD!!!!!!!! GRONK SMASH!!!!!!!!
Tim Wright – 5 REC, 85 YDS, 1 TD. Patriots: “Oh right, we got someone back when we got rid of Mankins. Cool.”
Julian Edelman – 5 REC, 35 YDS. Some call Julian Edelman the David Eckstein of the NFL.
Andy Dalton – 15/24, 204 YDS, 2 TD and 2 CAR, 16 YDS. I bet Marvin Lewis is really regretting the whole telling his team that this game was the Bengals’ Wild Card Weekend.
Jason Campbell – 3/5, 45 YDS. You know a game is over when you see Jason Campbell, no matter how early you see Jason Campbell.
Giovani Bernard – 13 CAR, 62 YDS and 2 REC, 10 YDS. Everyone names their kids after astronomers nowadays… it’s totally a thing.
Mohamed Sanu – 5 REC, 70 YDS, 1 TD. The man whose name is an anagram for anus! As opposed to Jermaine Gresham  (2 REC, 15 YDS), who just plays like one….
