Two things were on my mind entering last night’s Thursday Night Football game: First, why are the Chargers wearing a new shade of blue? Second, what soul shattering way would the Chargers lose this week? And if there was a third thing, then I probably would have wondered which Chargers player would get the weekly season-ending injury. But let’s just handle the first two here since no one died last night, besides my liver. (Happens all the time.) So, these color rush uniforms… More like color FLUSH, amiright? Seriously, I’m glad the era of bulb televisions are over and done with, otherwise the Broncos jerseys would have burned a hole into the screen. And you mix in that blue from the Chargers, it’s almost as if someone threw crayons in the washer before the game. And then there was the actual game, which offered us your prototypical Chargers performance… middling at times, amazing at times, all of it masquerading as a vehicle to setup yet another heartbreaking loss in the fourth quarter. What would it be this time? A Rivers pick-six? Another bad snap on a field goal? An alien invasion? A fan rushing the field mid-pass during a game-winning TD with three seconds to go nullifying it all? Oddly, none of that happened. Instead, some field goals, some Hunter; Henry!, and a safety along with the Broncos kind of just fading in the fourth quarter from a combination of costly offensive holding penalties and incurring the penalty of Trevor Siemian holding their offense back. WORD PLAY. Call me, ladies.

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Welcome back to the Razzball streamer article.  I was watching the debate on Sunday for a little entertainment (sorry Collinsworth), and began to imagine what it would be like if Donald Trump played fantasy football.  He would be the guy in your league who makes awful trades and brags to you non-stop about them as if they were genius.  Donald Trump would be the guy who is 1-4 at this point but would point out that he is in the top half of the league in scoring but always gets screwed over with who he played against.  Trump would probably be the guy who would be campaigning to be the commissioner next year for no reason other than to threaten to kick the current commissioner out of the league. If Hillary Clinton played fantasy football it wouldn’t be much better.  Hillary would most likely collude with other league members to make unfair trades and when the commissioner would ask for the evidence of whether the trade was fair or not, those text messages would somehow be deleted.  Also trash talk in your league would be closely monitored for things that could be offensive, so that wouldn’t be very fun.  I’m glad we did this.  It wasn’t at all pointless…

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Depending on your league, there should be some very enticing options on the waiver wire at the wide receiver position this week. Many of you will be debating the merits of scooping up Cameron Meredith. If this article comes out after your waiver wire process, then you can check to see if you missed out on the next big thing or drown in your tears with buyer’s remorse.

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Period Rank QB RB WR TE K DST
Week 5 9 out of 138 42 32 4 112 56 12
Week 4 5 out of 141 60 15 6 49 4 62
Week 3 22 out of 139 41 18 62 21 7 32
Week 2 96 out of 139 96 116 38 107 13 8
Week 1 66 out of 138 63 73 34 116 32 23
2016 11 out of 133 57 30 9 83 9 8

I’m happy to report that Razzball had another great week with rankings. Tehol finished in the top-10 for quarterbacks, and on top of that, Rudy’s Pigskinator was able to rank first for wide receivers. That’s actually pretty amazing. Not only that, but for those of you who play in IDP leagues, Rudy’s projections finished second overall, and achieved top-10 status for both kickers and DSTs! Just some amazing results all around. And while it might seem self-serving when I wax poetic about our accuracy feats, it’s not just because I love talking about myself all the time (call me, ladies), it’s also because our success hopefully translates to our reader’s success. And if not? Then just do what I always do and blame Obama…

Here are your Week 6 Rankings… (Rest of Season rankings have been updated and can be found here!)

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Sadly, Tehol wasn’t driving, which automatically disqualified him for appearing on the pod, so in his stead, Mike Maher (who writes the Handcuff Report series) joined us so Zach could teach us what Yom Kippur is and why he’s starved himself to only eat food and upset his God. Or Gods. I’m not actually clear how many of them there are, but that’s mainly because I was raised a Catholic, which means I grew up not caring about anything but self-guilt. Mike, Zach, and myself do find time to preview all the upcoming games while also discussing fun topics like: Is Carson Wentz legit? What’s going on with Matt Jones? Should we right the Sammy Coates hype train? Are you buying Todd Gurley still? And why do any of us still thinking owning a Cardinals wide receiver is a good idea? Enjoy!

Note: Week 6 Rankings will be released later today!

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I don’t like to brag, but this lineup I’m about to present scored me 209.9 points last week. In the Razzball Writer’s League, which is obviously the best league in the RCL, the highest score was 152 points. The team with the most points on the season has 631.08 points in five weeks. Hopefully that puts a 209.9 point week into perspective. The best part about this lineup is that not one of these players is owned in more than fifty percent of leagues. That means you likely could have dropped your entire team last week and picked up this squad and CRUSHED your opponent’s hopes and dreams. I certainly am not recommending dropping your whole team, but the purpose of this weekly post is to show you that there is plenty of weekly potential sitting on your waiver wire…

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Week 5 saw some dominant performances by running backs we were counting on, with David Johnson, Ezekiel Elliott, DeMarco Murray, Jordan Howard (told you!), and the Devonta Freeman/Tevin Coleman two-headed monster delivering for their owners. But this week also saw its fair share of disappointments, both from new faces fantasy owners were taking chances on and from running backs drafted to be fantasy starters.

If you picked up Wendell Smallwood, Kenneth Dixon, or Orleans Darkwa and threw them right into your starting squad, you paid for it with essentially a blank spot in your lineup. If you started regulars such as Jeremy Hill, Isaiah Crowell, Matt Jones, or Lamar Miller, you didn’t do much better. This second list of names hurts a bit more, though (except for maybe Jones), because you likely plugged them into your lineups without a second thought. On the plus side, you can look forward to now having that second thought for the rest of the season.

Cameron Artis-Payne bounced back on Monday night after a certain Razzball contributor lamented his performance last week. Artis-Payne scored two touchdowns and rushed for 85 yards on 18 carries, but both Cam Newton and Jonathan Stewart, so our days of starting CAP and crossing our fingers are likely over, at least until Stewart gets hurt again. Don’t drop CAP just yet, but you can start cracking your fingers.

And now, to the report…

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Greetings! Oh ye followers of the Lord, I humbly summon you to partake in a birthday celebration fit for… fit for… well, a Lord. Tis my birthday on Thursday, and myself and the Lord’s keeper (Jay-Wrong) will be guzzling absinthe by the gallon while we watch Lord Grey Albright and Ralph Lifshitz joust to the death. I must mention the fact that Lord Grey is our liege Lord and his death can simply not be allowed. Therefore, Prospector Ralph must take one for the team. He will be deeply missed, and by deeply I mean that I will piss on his ashes and move his wench into my private quarters for a few months and add his children to my service staff. Spotted d*ck and rhinoceros steak sandwiches will be served for all of those interested in joining. Jay and I are both turning 25 this year [Jay’s Note: Haha.], and though we’ve accomplished so many tremendous things in our lives thus far, I see an even brighter future upon the horizon. Our partnership has become stronger than that of Siegfried and Roy as we continue to master fantasy football together as one. Let’s just pray neither of us is mauled by a Tiger. [Jay’s Note: Amen brotha…]

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight. Take heed!

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hulk

For those of you hulking for Chris Hogan, I see you. I’m just not joining in, brother. I know Tom Brady being back means the whole bunch gets an uptick in value, but 3/51/0 just doesn’t do it for me…that’s what Hogan did on Sunday minus his 63 yard reception. That wasn’t for a score. On only 5 targets. I’d prefer volume for my flex or bench options, and won’t spend my FAAB on someone with such a low ceiling, in my opinion. There are too many weapons to rely on him from week to week, and once Dion Lewis returns the availability of targets decreases even further.

Normally I begin this little ditty each week on the positive side of a highlight, but I guarantee you that one of the most added players this week will be Hogan. And rather than give a burn notice, or even break my FAAB bank, on a player with a WR3 ceiling only half the time, I’ll take some of the names below.

Here are the top targets to, well, target as your work the wire for Week 6!

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Welcome back, my Horde!  What an eventful week it has been.  On one hand, I did manage to survive my trip to “Filthadelphia” this past week, but it seems that I am on a terrible fantasy losing streak these past 2 weeks and can’t seem to catch a break.  Even the waiver wire was not kind to me this past week and I am convinced that it is now in cahoots with my Black Widow Curse.  C’est la vie.  The Fantasy Gods giveth, and most of the time they taketh away.  So, how are all of you this week?  Beaten, battered, and bruised?  No?  Then perhaps you need to experiment a little more, and I don’t just mean with your rosters, but I digress.  It also looks like my Black Widow Curse feasted on some more tasty man-flesh this week, so I am sure you all have quite a few holes to fill (which may be a new concept for some of you).  So, let’s get down to business, shall we because time is money, and honey, I ain’t cheap.  Ladies and gentlemen, convicts and inmates, perverts and weirdos, I give you what you all have been waiting with baited breath for…the Week 6 edition of Hit it or Quit it!

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faab21mere

Before we get to Cameron Meredith and other waiver wire recommendations, let’s review last week. Step 1, Acquire Martellus Bennett. Step 2, Start Martellus Bennett (at Flex if necessary). Step 3, Profit. I profited in two (of three) leagues I play in after I acquired him off waivers. I know he wasn’t widely available, but I’d rather write about a player with a chance to make a huge impact in a few leagues than one that might make little or no impact but is widely available. So I’m patting myself on the back for a good call. It feels good to be right for the sake of being right but it also feels good to give helpful recommendations. That’s why I’m taking the time to write this every week. Here’s your players to consider for week 6 FAAB (Free Agent Auction Bidding) waiver claims. The prices are for $100 budgets. View the prices as percentages if your league doesn’t use a $100 budget…

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WHAT. A. GAME. And while those Tampa Bay Buccaneers jerseys will never not be ugly, I want to establish that out of the two statements I just made, only one was leaking sarcasm… and I’ll let you figure out which one. Honestly, at what point should the NFL stop serving endless vodka with a heaping side of cocaine when they’re picking matchups for Monday and Thursday night? In a game that featured what seemed like six hours of tied football when Roberto Aguayo wasn’t missing and making field goals in sequential order (because that’s what you want from a field goal kicker) I don’t think we learned much. I mean, except for the fact that Derek Anderson is the consummate professional. He’d been out of the starting role for how many decades now? And as you can see above, he was instantly back to form. Our national nightmare is over everyone, the epoch of Derek Anderson has begun. Again.

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