Yo-yo ma. Yes, that was my introduction. I brought the gangsta-slash-cello opening and did it well son. So here we are for Sunday night, which is your Monday morning, or Tuesday morning if you’re in Japan. But if you’re in Japan, you really aren’t reading this. You’re playing with a Tenga Cup (Not Safe For Work or your sanity), whilst watching tentacle porn… something I should be doing right now. But instead, I’m writing up on the SNF game. Yes, my name is jaywrong and I am no longer your replacement referee of football razball magic, no no. I got upgraded to spotlight the SNF game. Why? Because I italicized my name. Italics give +5 to magic missile, so there’s that. Also, most likely because I know what pass-interference is. Or at least better than replacement referee’s. That much is for sure. If you need a prequel to what I bring, you can check out my Sunday Gameday Notes from last week while filling in for that slacker Sky. Or, you can peruse my collection on the baseball side of Razzy. Yes, I like gratuitous self-promotion. I’m like Bono of the fantasy sports world. Now that we’ve partook of the intro, it shall be stated that I had to take time out of my busy schedule of playing the new XCOM game to write this thinga-ma-jig, so let’s get this over with.
So what the heck is going on here, two prime-time Texan games this week? Next, you’ll try to tell me there are actual Texan fans. Crazy bro. Last week, the Jet’s couldn’t pull it out against Houston and the Packers lost out against the Chuck Pagano lead anti-cancer movement. Fun fact, did you know Reliant Stadium was built entirely out of oil? Or did I remember that wrong… I actually think it was built out of souls of the damned. Oh, wait, same thing. Anyhow, get me more unicorn blood! The Costas thirsts!
GB – 42, TEX – 24
Does anyone think that this Asian kid’s entire family would have shown up if he didn’t play the tuba? What an Asian way to get around that problem– TECHNOLOGY! Well, I guess if that didn’t work, just throw Godzilla in and we’ll call it a wrap. The more questionable part is why is the kid playing the Beverly Hills Cop theme? And why isn’t there more cowbell? So hopefully you didn’t play a drinking game that involved downing a shot every time a white guy caught a pass. Otherwise, you’re dead. We also saw a NBC media circle-jerk for the emerging J.J. Watt and Clay Matthews sack competition. Oh, and Green Bay is back while the Texans have some work to do. Like feeding Wade Phillips another sandwich. He had sad sandwich face all night.
Aaron Rodgers – Was described as ‘be-deviling’ during the game– that’s grade-A British commentary. Led a 6-play 30-yard drive before the half with a scramble of 14-yards. There were six time-outs remaining with 44-seconds left to play in the half, and then total time management catastrophe happened, along with some McCarthy timeout trolling. Andy Reid frantically masturbated to the whole thing. Good times. Rodgers did a premature touchdown dance-u-lation due to the referee’s remembering that holding is a penalty, but then the Texan’s defenestrated with a costly UR and Leaping penalty. Yes, you read that right. Finished the night with a gnarly 6 TD’s, or if I did the math correctly, 3 chicks. Talk about having awareness of breast’s. 24-37/338/6-0 and 2/17/0.
Matt Schaub – Since Rodgers was described as ‘be-deviling’, I’ll go ahead and do my part for Schaub and describe his play as ‘bel-dinging’. I will say overall, this Matt Schaub kid is pretty good… the Browns might consider trading for him, get some young blood in at the QB position. Gave up a costly interception on their own 30-yard line to open the 4th quarter, which pretty much sealed the game. You could argue it was sealed up earlier, like the 1st quarter, but I tend to err on the side of caution. You never know, Seattle could show up and score a touchdown. 20-33/232/0-2
Arian Foster – I thought the Texans had a superstar running back somewhere on the roster. If Matt Schaub was ‘bel-dining’, then Foster should be called a ‘Mangy Scot’. He did get a short 3-yard TD run in the first half and a short 1-yard TD at the end of the 3rd quarter. But really, it’s easy when no one in the near vicinity wants to tackle you during vulture-mode. Way to do your best impersonation of CJ2Ypc buddy! 17/29/2.
Ben Tate – I promised myself that if he did anything worthwhile, I was going to punch a kitten. I guess it’s just some drop-kicking that I’ll be doing today. Baby-meow. 3/14/0.
Alex Green – Boy, that Green Bay running game seems to get better every single week. /Rolls eyes. 22/65/0.
Jordy Nelson – Started off the first Packer drive of the game with a white on white 41-yard TD reception. Then had another one with 6:45 to go in the second quarter, with this one being of the 21-yard variety. And then he reached a Jordfecta in the 3rd quarter with a 1-yard touchdown. 9/121/3.
Andre Johnson – That’s a solid hairline buddy. Not related, but just as relevant… Civics have the ‘Econ’ button to maximize fuel efficiency, but BMWs have a side-mounted squirt gun so you can drench poor people as you drive by. So that kinda muddies the waters with the SNF ad-wars between these two car companies. 8/75/0.
James Jones – Caught a short 6-yard reception for the second Rodgdown of the night that put the Packers up 14 to 0 in 1st quarter. Then I was interrupted by a Miller Lite commercial. A Miller Lite ‘only bar’ seems like a great way to run a business into the ground, just FYI. Jones made a pretty darn good catch for an affirmative action 18-yard TD reception in the 4th to make the game an official rout. 3/33/2.
Jermichael Finley – Didn’t see that coming… pfft. I am officially changing his name to Derpmichael. 2/12/0.
GB DEF – Those were some great in-game graphics of Clay Matthews. From what I read, Clay did all those poses unsolicited. Also, he made blocking seem like a foreign concept to the Texans offensive line. So if Clay is the “two in the pink”, Hawk is the “one in the stink”, correct? Yes, AJ Hawk gave the shocker (sHAWKer) and then Collinsworth said that “When not blocked, A.J. Hawk is a better player.” I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. 59 Tackles, 3 Sacks, and 3 INT’s.
HOU DEF – So, I really have to ask about Connor Barwin’s hair, or what I like to call that flock of seagulls. It makes me question the existence of gods…and pomade. Hey, have you heard of J.J. Watt? He’s pretty good. There was enough J.J. Wattage by the announcers during the game to power Houston. Watt’s on second? There were low Wattage plays, there were high Wattage plays… I can do this all day long. The D had a specifically hard time with a Green Bay drive in the third quarter by allowing 468 penalty yards in the span of 6 plays, mentioned earlier in the Aaron Rodgers snippet. It involved punching and leaping and group suicide. Who knew those were not part of the game? They must have been taking notes on how Dallas gave away the game earlier in the day. 64 Tackles and 2 Sacks with a big side of nothing else.
So that’s all I got. The game went into garbage mode about 1 minute into the 4th quarter, so I got to go to sleep early. Yes, that’s my ending, because my sleep patterns mean everything to you. Try to have a nice Monday, and we’ll be back here on Sunday unless a comet hits us or something. The match-up includes the Bungles going against the Stillers, led by America’s favorite rapist with a side of swollen head. Speaking of heads, I can’t wait to see Tony Dungy’s again. It’s so sharp, he must shave with a Kevlar vest. Sounds like a blast! Have a great week my flock.