Good god, what was that?
In what, dare I say, was a pretty good football game for a majority of the time (let’s just agree to not include a very morose and slug-paced fourth quarter), the Patriots continued their trend of
deflating balls, cheating, receiving biased officiating, beating the Colts, which, based on recent history, was really no surprise. However, as I mentioned in last night’s Sunday Night Football Live Thread, this game really had no business being close, and it’s a testament to either Andrew Luck and the Indianapolis offense playing competently or the New England defense not being as good as we thought. In this case, it might have been a little of both (not including fourth downs, as shown above). But eventually, nature was able to drive the score to it’s most natural environment when mistakes from the Colts started to stack, all with a heaping side of LeGarrette Blount to help drive it all home. Which leads me to wonder, when the Colts draft defensive players, do they make sure that they can’t tackle first? Haha, just kidding, the Colts only draft wide receivers. With the win, the Patriots continue, along with the Bengals, Broncos, Packers, and Panthers to be the only unbeaten teams through Week 6. I’d say half of those teams are mediocre and the other half deserve their record. I’ll let you figure out which team gets the 0.5 left over from that equation…
In other news, I’d like to thank everyone who joined our Razzball-only FanDuel contest this past week. We still have one game to go, but thanks to all 55 readers who decided to play…
Keenan Allen – 14 REC, 157 YDS. Keenan Allen was the first player since Danny Amendola with the Rams in 2012 to catch 11 passes in the first half. He now has the most significant milestone I have ever seen in my life! CBS has such a unique well of useful information! Unfortunately, in what was turning into a record-breaking game for some sort of stat, Allen left in the third quarter from a hip injury. It didn’t seem serious, but we’ll have to wait until later today for an update. If he’s out for any significant amount of time, Malcom Floyd (5 REC, 95 YDS) would be a must-add with Dontrelle Inman (3 REC, 18 YDS, 1 TD) becoming viable in deeper formats.
Danny Amendola – 7 REC, 105 YDS. Over-inflated balls, man.
C.J. Anderson – 13 CAR, 41 YDS and 4 REC, 25 YDS. Give Anderson and Ronnie Hillman (20 CAR, 111 YDS and 3 REC, 4 YDS) some credit… they have, at times, looked like they were in heavy consideration to actually score some fantasy points this season. I mean, in today’s NFL, stuff like that doesn’t matter as long as you try your best.
Blake Bortles – 30/53, 331 YDS, 3 TD, 3 INT and 4 CAR, 37 YDS. Bortle Bortle Bort-Bort-Bort. There are only so many words that start with “B” people. My alteration reserve is already exhausted from past weeks…
Jay Cutler – 26/41, 353 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 2 CAR, 12 YDS. When Jay Cutler plays well, it’s Bears fans who get the most pissed off, have you noticed that? By the way, welcome back Alson Jeffery (8 REC, 147 YDS, 1 TD), we missed you.
The Cardinals with John Brown (10 REC, 196 YDS), Larry Fitzgerald (8 REC, 93 YDS), and Michael Floyd (5 REC, 50 YDS, 1 TD) just have so many offensive weapons when they are all clicking. I could also be referring to gun ownership. They are located in Arizona, after all.
Kirk Cousins – 24/43, 196 YDS, 1 TD, 2 INT and 1 CAR, 1 YDS. Hello Kirk, nice to see you again, good to see you back to your normal self. You know, while you’re here, I should let you know that I’ll be demoting you to step-nephew.
Julian Edelman – 6 REC, 50 YDS, 1 TD and 1 CAR, 2 YDS. More insufferable: Edelman or Patriots-Era Wes Welker? I’m feeling it’s a wash here, but I’m willing to listen to others on this important and very pertinent issue.
Pierre Garçon – 5 REC, 28 YDS, 1 TD. Garcon put up a vacation house on Revis Island, but an estoppel action was filed almost immediately.
Toby Gerhart – 9 CAR, 26 YDS and 3 REC, 23 YDS. Let’s be honest, Gerhart has approached late-career Donovan McNabb athleticism… two years ago.
Jimmy Graham – 8 REC, 140 YDS. But where are the rebounds?
T.Y. Hilton – 6 REC, 74 YDS, 1 TD. I’m gonna pull a sheet from the T.Y. Hilton book and make people refer to me as L.Y. Longfellow. I’ll let you figure out what those letters stand for, you get one try in the comment section, and the first correct answer wins a Razzball t-shirt of your choice… good luck!
Ryan Fitzpatrick – 19/26, 253 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT and 4 CAR, 31 YDS, 1 TD. Feel the Fitzmagic! No seriously, magic’s the only way that happened. You know what is also magic? The way his beard is growing. I expect in the next couple of weeks that the Jets starting offensive lineup will include Mad Jack Churchill, Old Number Seven, and Grizzly Adams.
Arian Foster – 18 CAR, 53 YDS and 5 REC, 59 YDS, 1 TD. Foster is always described as a violent runner (especially yesterday), but how does one run violently? Is he just stabbing and shooting people as he runs by?
Landry Jones – 8/12, 168 YDS, 2 TD and 1 CAR, -1 YDS. Your 2016 Cleveland Browns starting quarterback, Landry Jones! *Rushes to pick up Landry Jones. “Hey, how many points does he get for a hand-off to Bell? Oh, none? F*ck.” Rushes to drop Landry Jones.* Jones entered the game after Michael Vick (3/8, 6 YDS and 5 CAR, 47 YDS) suffered a hamstring injury. And also sucking. Doesn’t really matter, as he might have actually pulled a hamstring muscle because he sucked. Or visa versa. He had only three completions, and like two of them were for negative yardage. I mean, there’s no forward pass in rugby, right? So we know Vick can run a rugby offense…
Andrew Luck – 30/50, 312 YDS, 3 TD and 4 CAR, 35 YDS. As an architect, I’ll bet Luck could design some pretty good mud huts. While he seemed back to his normal Brett Farve like-self, (questionable and authoritative slinging) after sitting out two games with an unspecified shoulder issue, I think it’s more important to establish that his favorite movie is “The Girl with the Wagon Tattoo”.
Peyton Manning – 26/48, 290 YDS, 1 TD, 3 INT. Manning has the throwing motion of a catapult, and none of the damage. Honestly, I’ve seen squib kicks that had better spirals than the ducks he’s throwing now. Really, it’s almost sad… Manning is aging before our eyes at a rate only previously seen in Indiana Jones movies.
Donte Moncrief – 6 REC, 69 YDS, 1 TD. Good crief.
Greg Olsen – 7 REC, 131 YDS, 1 TD. Mary-Kate and Ashley are so proud of their brother Greg right now.
Philip Rivers – 43/65, 503 YDS, 2 TD. I can only assume that Rivers was so pumped up that his eighth child is on it’s way (expected due date was yesterday). And I bet Danny Woodhead (7 CAR, 8 YDS and 5 REC, 63 YDS) is the midwife. I have no idea how the Packers let this happen.. San Diego had a one-dimensional offense the entire game and were still carving up yards… WHAT A COUNTRY!
Emmanuel Sanders – 4 REC, 109 YDS, 1 TD. More like HE-MAN-uel Sanders, amiright?
Matthew Stafford – 27/42, 405 YDS, 4 TD, 1 INT and 6 CAR, 37 YDS. Bears doing what they do best: Making Stafford and Calvin Johnson (6 REC, 166 YDS, 1 TD) look like their leading a Super Bowl contender.
James Starks – 10 CAR, 112 YDS, 1 TD and 1 REC, 5 YDS, 1 TD. Oh, so I guess that’s why no Eddie Lacy (4 CAR, 3 YDS and 2 REC, 17 YDS). I’d say he’s still affected by an early season ankle injury, so with the bye coming up this week for the Packers, I’m not worrying too much here.
Sammy Watkins – 4 REC, 48 YDS, 1 TD. Sammy Watkins is the new Ryan Mathews, I’m pretty sure. Left the game with an ankle injury on the touchdown and had to be assisted off the field. Has already dealt with a calf-injury, so we’ll have to see how the reports shape up later today.
Charcandrick West – 9 CAR, 33 YDS and 1 REC, 9 YDS. Was West not playing? Pick him up with your first waiver claim, they said. It’s a good move, they said. Well, at least Knile Davis (5 CAR, 13 YDS and 1 REC, 12 YDS) had an even more ineffective effort (which I didn’t think was possible), most likely keeping West as the presumptive starter.