635730277588618227-2015-07-20-justin-hunter

Welcome everybody to this week’s edition of Deep Impact! This is an important week, dear readers. For many of you, it is one last shot to lock up a first round bye or sneak into the playoffs and pray for a Giants-like romp to the championship. For many others, this will be your last week of fantasy football for the season, as your failed early round picks of Brandon Marshall or Rob Gronkowski (What idiot would have ever suggested those picks? Please don’t look at my preseason articles) give you another reason besides seasonal affective disorder to go see a therapist this winter. To those jumping off the metaphorical train after this week: don’t jump off anything literally, it’s going to be ok. Go book that therapy appointment, and thanks for reading along this season. To people gearing up for the playoffs, let’s take a look at the under 10% owned population and figure out what unearthed gem can take you to the Promised Land.

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Westworld in a nutshell…

Or something like that. With Fantasy Football playoffs just starting, the Unbreakable MB and Jen go over the recent and infuriating/sad Gronk news, Jameis Winston and Colin Kaepernick, and a little bit on the Packers running back situation. The verdict: Mike McCarthy is an idiot. We also go over tight end drafting (there’s an easy joke here somewhere) and provide a small glimpse of the Razzball Writer’s League, which has been largely forgotten (or ignored) by yours truly. Probably because Zach is in first place. Then we tackle Westworld’s season thus far (at 31:35) and go into stuff that involve spoilers, which the unwanted revelation of will never happen here wihtout warning, folks. Except when those whales with lasers came out a couple weeks back. What a twist! However, I am willing to allow non-spoiler GIFs like the one above, which is a national treasure. And also probably my own inner-monologue when editing Tehol’s posts…

Here’s the newest episode of the newly renamed Razzcast!

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636095671095583297-ap-vikings-titans-football

Welcome back to the Razzball streamer article. I hope you didn’t miss me too much last week and had a great Thanksgiving, unless you felt too much genocidal guilt to celebrate.  The Cleveland Browns finally get to not lose this week, and that makes for a more difficult pick ‘em pool.  This just goes to show you, even if you are never successful, you could still earn a week vacation. Never give up.  Before we get to streamers, make sure that you check out the football podcast this week if you are into Westworld.  A few of us at Razzball have some takes that we need to get off of our chest, so be on the look-out for that.  Now let’s get down to business.

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superfans

Da bears are a joke. No B for you! They are 2-9 on the season and have only scored 178 points all year! The Lambs have scored 170? Geez. Only three other teams have failed to crack the 200 point barrier. Maybe they are playing on All-Madden while the rest of the league is on Pro. Forget about recounting votes for Hillary! I demand an audit of the NFL to check the gameplay settings! Actually, scratch that. They just suck.

So why the hell am I devoting my precious time and energy to Da bears this week?

For starters, the other great writers at Razzball got you covered on the main guys out there. Go check them out. I highly recommend it.

Disclaimer: Razzball did not pay me to write that, nor did they pay anyone in my immediate family for that endorsement. Pssst, Jay and Grey….all good?

I try to touch on the players that are a little off the reservation. Mission accomplished for sure this week. Achievement unlocked.

Finally, I wanted my loyal readers to be a part of history. Drum roll please… For the first time in Razzball Bear or Bull history, I will talk about not one, not two, but three players! Maybe four. I can see my followers gathering now. Yeah, I feel you.

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Period Rank QB RB WR TE K DST
Week 12 52 out of 130 60 44 28 119 43 8
Week 11 35 out of 133 81 24 59 33 19 77
Week 10 59 out of 133 46 40 102 104 15 40
Week 9 2 out of 133 2 20 76 14 33 18
Week 8 46 out of 134 76 13 90 65 73 33
Week 7 5 out of 138 58 2 36 30 22 56
Week 6 92 out of 137 101 60 87 63 18 55
Week 5 9 out of 138 42 32 4 112 56 12
Week 4 5 out of 141 60 15 6 49 4 62
Week 3 22 out of 139 41 18 62 21 7 32
Week 2 96 out of 139 96 116 38 107 13 8
Week 1 66 out of 138 63 73 34 116 32 23
2016 7 out of 141 31 5 11 55 10 11
3-year AVG 20 out of 122 37 28 17 47 17 35

Another week, another okay-ish result, but overall, Razzball is still holding strong in the top-10 for the season. This is the first week of Fantasy Football playoffs for many of us, so I know we’re all 98% excited, 2% scared. Or maybe it’s more… it could be 98% scared and 2% excited. Actually, you know, I just quoted Armageddon, so I think we can just quickly move along to the rankings and pretend none of this ever happened…

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markingram

It’s Week 13, which means we are heading into the fantasy playoffs soon. I know that because my readership has dwindled the last two weeks, as many fantasy owners have been eliminated from the playoffs and are throwing in the towel. But that’s OKAY. That just means we can be more serious and a bit more intimate now. It’s just me and you, playoff hopefuls.

Heading into this week, Tim Hightower was a name to watch because Mark Ingram was still in the concussion protocol and was questionable to play. If Ingram couldn’t go, Hightower was going to be a high-end flex/RB2 to throw into lineups before they locked on Sunday. But word came out on Sunday morning that Ingram was going to play, so many likely left Hightower on the bench or on the waiver wire.

But something funny happened. It didn’t matter that Ingram played. Ingram and Hightower combined for three touchdowns and almost 300 yards, with Hightower accounting for 51 rushing yards, 54 receiving yards, and one of the touchdowns. Although, Hightower’s final stat line would look a bit different if not for the late 50-yard touchdown pass from wide receiver Willie Snead. If Hightower can keep producing even with a healthy Ingram, he can help out some of the needier fantasy owners come playoff time.

To the report…

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zod

Being that the kind people at Razzball have given me a soapbox, if you will, to share with you all the thoughts that swim within my head, I thought I’d take advantage of said opportunity to rant. If you can bear with me for a few sentences I promise to return to regularly scheduled programming and, as I do on a weekly basis, tender my slightly above average fantasy football advice. And when I say “average” I really mean “mediocre”. And when I say “mediocre” what I REALLY mean is “fvcking awesome”. Okay, so perhaps I’m reaching for the proverbial stars, but why not. After all, I could probably give you crap advice and many of you would still be happy. Stealing a quote from Negan, I could be inclined to say “I just slid my d*ck down your throat and you thanked me”. But that’s not how I roll.

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tenor

This could go one of two ways. That smug look on Colbert above is one trajectory: pride. Last week’s Working the Waiver, beyond featuring a GIF and link to perhaps the funniest six minutes on the internet (thank you, Eastbound and Down), couldn’t have been more accurate. Okay, fine, it could have been without the Tajae Sharpe egg, but seriously…you could/should have rostered every name on there. But instead of puffing up my #dadbod chest for the masses to gawk over (eat your heart out, Tehol), the prevailing emotion is the second option: desperation. Seriously, I ain’t to proud to beg.

It’s Week 13. For all you non-math majors, that’s a bakers dozen. And in the fantasy world, you know what that means: One. More. Week. It’s the final week before playoffs begin. If you’re still reading this I assume you’re in the race for a playoff spot. And if you’re not, well…you’re the best kind of person. Thank you. Keep fighting even though the ship is now sunk (I’m doing this in a staff league. Gotta get as many points as possible to make my case that fantasy football involves incredible luck. Fourth most points in a 14-team league but miss the playoffs? Wasn’t my fault.). So, as we prep our playoff rosters, there are plenty of targets to either deepen your bench or shore up your FLEX spot. And guess what? A lot of the names are the EXACT same as last week. I TOLD YOU SO! Pick them up! I beg of you.

Here are the top targets to, well…target heading into Week 13!

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EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ - AUGUST 09: Wide receiver Victor Cruz #80 of the New York Giants looks on prior to a preseason game against the Pittsburgh Steelers at MetLife Stadium on August 9, 2014 in East Rutherford, New Jersey. (Photo by Alex Trautwig/Getty Images)

Well, here we are ladies and gentlemen, convicts and inmates, perverts and peepers, Week 13 of the 2016 Fantasy Football season. This also marks my last article for the year as many of you will be on your own as the season winds down. I hope that you will all be able to manage without my weekly doses of awesomeness until next Fall, but many of you continue to have masturbation shrines to me in your basements, so it’ll be like I never left. How are we doing? Me, I have about three out of five leagues where I still have a shot at taking home the Shiva thanks to the waiver wire, some good old-fashioned voodoo, and a couple of human sacrifices. Let’s just say, Jobu has had more than a few refills this year, but hey, whatever works, right? Now that we are down to the wire, there are some really slim pickin’s on many of the waiver wires and my Black Widow Curse continues to feast on man-flesh, but on the bright side, she is also allowing some people to make it back from oblivion and certain doom, so there is a silver lining, I suppose. Let’s see what magic I can work for you this week and give you that extra fluffing to boldly make that erect march into your 2016 Fantasy League stardom. Without further ado, I give you the last 2016 edition of Hit it or Quit it

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While the Chargers fan in me wanted this Sunday Night Football game to be a lazy Father’s Day gift (a tie!), the football fan in me just wanted to do a bit of scouting on Tony Romo’s new team next season. But it was hard to do either with the most boring first half of a football game in the history of the NFL, since last Thursday. Though drinking games usually help, instead, to match the theme of this weekend, I went with an eating game. If a first down happened, I ate turkey, and if not, ham. Worked out pretty well, I have to say. And don’t get me wrong, there were some positives last night. Al Michaels’ continued sabbatical is one. (Kinda like February in Palm West, because it’s all about an old man drying out.) There was… okay, so there was one positive. Which really wasn’t a positive at all with Cris Collinsworth trying to speak with Roger Goodell’s balls in his mouth. Just remember, the NFL flexed this game because they honestly thought that it would be more entertaining than the Jets and Patriots. Which would have been futile anyways, unless they happened to flex Westworld instead…

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