Good tidings everyone and welcome, once again, to this quickly/drunkenly-typed post of one handsome man’s observations of Sunday Night Football. Even with the Falcons, the first real test for the Patriots (after coasting to wins over the Bills, Jets, and Bucs) perhaps providing an allure of an interesting match-up, I doubt it was enough to prevent all of America ditching NBC for the Breaking Bad finale. My only wish is that I could have done the same thing. Don’t ever say I never did nothing for you.
the drinking game I played
I took one sip of beer…
…whenever Tom Brady gave murder eyes to one of his receivers.
…for every NBC shameless promo.
…every time Collinsworth gushed like a schoolgirl over something Vince Wilfork did. (This one didn’t get much play with him getting carted early in the game. So I took a shot for that.)
…every time Mike Smith appeared overly positive.
…whenever someone mentioned Aaron Hernandez.
I took one shot of bourbon…
…every time Arthur Blank and his bizarre pedo-mustache were displayed looking pensive.
…for any Tim Tebow or Michael Vick mention.
score and a quick summary of the game
NE – 30, ATL – 23
It may have been the first pretty good game, at least, for the first 45 minutes of regulation, that’s been slated for SNF this year. Then again, I had to miss Breaking Bad, so who cares?
DRUNKEN BULLET POINTS
– I miss Faith Hill’s legs. Not much else.
– I’m hungry for some winglets.
– CHEVY THUNDER! Are we now seeing the birth of product placement audibles?
– Is it a rule that fullbacks need to wear shoulder pads that are twice as big as everyone else on the field?
– I love how BK is hawking Jr. High cafeteria fries now.
– Holy crap… are Bill Belichick’s sleeves… HEMMED?
– Who gave Collinsworth some sort of high-tech highlighter? He shouldn’t be trusted with anything other than silly putty.
world famous Razzball player blurb thing-a-ma-jigs
Tom Brady — 20/31, 316 YDS, 2 TD, 0 INT and 5 CAR, -2 YDS. 52 straight games with a TD pass? That’s only one per week for a year… talk about being overrated.
Matt Ryan — 34/54, 421 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT. Ever notice how Matty Ice can stay so cool, calm, and collected when he overthrows the end zone by ten feet? Though, he didn’t come close to Joe Flacco, who was flawless in targeting Bills defense backs yesterday. Anyhow, I’m pretty sure even the Mormon’s say “That Matt Ryan dude, boy is he WHITE.”
LeGarrette Blount — 9 CAR, 64 YDS, 1 TD. THE FALCONS WERE HIT BY A BLOUNT OBJECT! -Berman’d. Yeah Collinsworth, LeGarrette Blount is just like Corey Dillon… except he’s never been good. But they’re both bla…zing through defenses as a Patriot.
Steven Ridley — 11 CAR, 53 YDS. He did some things. But those things didn’t really help out your fantasy roster.
Jacquizz Rodgers — 7 CAR, 32 YDS. What’s wrong with the world these days that they don’t let you quizz in public anymore? I blame Obama.
Aaron Dobson — 1 REC, 10 YDS. Touched his spine with the back of his head. Thankfully, was able to walk off the field. It did not look pretty.
Julian Edelman — 7 REC, 118 YDS. NAHBODY CARES ABOUT WELKAH WHEN YOU GOT DAH JEWKAH! BAWSTAN STRONG!
Kenbrell Thompkins — 6 REC, 127 YDS, 1 TD. Had some amazing non-catches to go with that line. Thompkins has hands as soft as granite and often looks like he’s confused as whether to intercept or bat the ball down. Wait… he’s the receiver?
Julio Jones — 6 REC, 108 YDS. For most of the game, this.
Roddy White — 3 REC, 28 YDS. This guy, Matt Ryan, I call him James Deen, because both can use a Roddy White to their best potential!
Matthew Mulligan — 1 REC, 1 YD, 1 TD. Who the ef is Matthew Mulligan? At this point they’re just finding guys in Irish pubs. Well, cue the golf jokes I guess. *Rushes to FF waivers, sits back… decides to take a mulligan* Wa’qa wa’qa!
Tony Gonzalez — 12 REC, 149 YDS, 2 TDs. Ah, the Spanish tight end not currently incarcerated. That basketball work really paid off for Gonzalez. Did you know he played basketball in college? A true nugget of info right there.
NE DEF — Ah yes, the Patriot secondary I’ve come to know and love. Consistency is key here.
ATL DEF — Think you should give Brady another eight minutes to throw?
a wonderful concluding thought
Mike Smith: 1-0 against heart attacks. Err. Maybe 0-0-1. Also, the Falcons kinda suck.
JayWrong is a 30-year old Korean/Irish writer who finds solace using Makers Mark as a vehicle to impress women, and also has an affinity for making Jennifer Lawrence GIFs. You can follow him @jaywrong, read his blog Desultory Thoughts of a Longfellow, or, you can find his GIFs at his tumblr, named Siuijeonseo.