Yes, it’s me again. After a month off, cause that’s how I roll, I’m here to bring you a summary of last night’s football themes event colored with my own funny ha-ha’s, hopefully some charming and profoundly sensual anecdotes, all mixed with plenty of Roethlisberger rape references. And don’t worry, the fact that Byron Leftwich started last night will not lead me astray in that regard. Although what might trump that line of humor, I know its hard, I mean what’s funnier than rape? But something that might top and replace the aforementioned astray-ment scenario is the continual wearing of what I surmise to be a throwback created during the days when people pooped all over bee’s and thought the end product would be some kind of iconic inspiration. No one, I repeat, no one should be allowed to wear anything with horizontal stripes in Pittsburgh. I mean, good thing Ray-Ray isn’t playing, he would confuse the Steelers for former inmates. Better watch out, he only injured his non-stabbing shoulder! But really, its the socks that bring the all of it together, don’t you think?
BAL – 13, PIT – 10
First, let me just establish, I love Cam Cameron. 3rd and 7? Time for a 3-yard hook! Down by one possession? You don’t need Ray Rice son! You got 99 problems but calling 8-step drop plays ain’t one. In fact, last night was probably the first time I’ve ever seen a 12 step drop. And I got flashes of Jason Garrett every 3rd and short. Anyways, I frankly spent most of the game expecting the Steeler players to transform into a yellow Volkswagen. By the way, what do you think is the over/under on the amount of time it takes Peyton Manning to the control the food supply going into Colorado? I give it about 3 days after their first play-off win.
In the end, I was surprised that this wasn’t the bestest game ever. I should file a promissory estoppel action! We are all owed the difference between the game we were promised and the game we got. So yeah, hours of watching that game left my genitals withered and sterile. And for the actual fans of those teams, I’m sure it left them as proud owners of nausea, fatigue, and/or death. And if you missed it, there was a Jerome Bettis reference right after a Tim Tebow reference, which adds further proof that the Mayan’s were on to something.
Joe Flacco – Starting Joe Flacco on your fantasy team will haunt your dreams. But maybe I should calm down, elite QB’s can throw into double coverage just fine. He did have a couple of elite kneel downs. 20-32/164/0-0.
Bryon Leftwich – Strengths: Rib isn’t lodged in his aorta. Weaknesses: Pretty much everything else. Holy crap can that old guy can run, said the crowd while witnessing the 1st Quarter opening act for the Burgh via a 31-yard run with a Leftwichdown. Want more of the Leftwich experience? Did you know that he was never coached when he was young? He threw rocks too. That all might be a good indicator of his skill level as an adult, if you read into such things. And what’s young? Like 20? I think he’s still finishing a throw he started at that age. But, to be fair, he does have a perfectly brisk hand-off motion and did last the entire game, sorta. In the 4th quarter, he started feeling pain in the everywhere, causing some warming of the Charlie Batch on the sidelines. Ten Things I Didn’t Like This Week– Q: Pocket Presence, Byron Leftwich. He truly is the Roy Hobbs of Pittsburgh. Yes, this is the longest blurb I’ve written on a player. Why? Because its Byron Effing Leftwich. Nuff said. 18-39/201/0-1 and 1/31/1.
Charlie Batch – This guy is still alive? I felt kinda cheated that I didn’t get some Batch action after all that warm-up teasing. And for the fact that my “Batch of Leftwiches’ line got cut. DNP.
Ben Roethlisberger – Why am I not surprised that Ben wears camo hats on purpose? He is an expert vag hunter afterall. And what do you think his earpiece was picking up? The Kid Rock channel on Pandora? Real time updates on really drunk chicks in the crowd? Yes, I’m writing about a player that didn’t play. Don’t mess this up for me man. DNP.
Rashard Mendenhall – Just a quick aside– I have a sneaking suspicion the target demos for SNF and the Voice aren’t congruous. Mendenhall is healthy btw. Didn’t really count for much though. 11/33/0.
Ray Rice – MOAR SEVEN STEP DROPS! MOAR SCREENS! Was I Cam-Camerony enough for you? Well, despite the play-calling, Ray tried to help your fantasy team out… 2 yards at a time. Let me know how that turned out. 20/40/0 and 5/53/0 on the receiving end.
Jacoby Jones – Man, they really wanted to get Jacoby Jones involved in this thing, didn’t they? 2/1/0.
Mike Wallace – Apparently in the first half, Mike Wallace wanted to see how many negative points he could put up by fumbling inside the Pittsburgh 30. Then, in the 2nd half, made sure to do nothing to offset those points. Also, if you squinted, he looked like Bumblebee from that one Meagan Fox movie. 4/26/0.
Justin Tucker – Made one. Shanked an easy one. Made one. We call that a Cundiff sandwich. 2-3/7 points.
BAL DEF – Ngata’s pants appear to have an extension that seems to add an extra 5 inches to the height of his waistband. What does that have to do with anything? Nothing. So, Ed Reed, or as Al pronounces it, Ed Reeeeeeed continues to be the Raven’s most consistent offensive player. Benard Pollard! Injury Genius! 3 sacks, 1 INT, 0 TD’s.
PIT DEF – Doesn’t hurt that the challenge system was invented just so the refs would slap the Ravens around. Isn’t that right Ravens fan? No, its not right. You’re being obtuse. Also, Flacco desperately kept the mindset of being the Steelers best chance for a win. #Elite. But yeah, basically the only phase of the game that the Steelers pulled off in an above average fashion. 2 sacks, 0 TD’s.
No team did less to earn a win than the Ravens last night. It was so much fail compacted into a small amount of time. So now its done, let us never speak of it again. But you got like 600 words on the #Leftwichexperience, so you got your money’s worth. And speaking of money, when I said I missed a month, it was due to complications from Super-Storm Sandy. No, I wasn’t hit hard, as the metro area was treated politely compared to New York and New Jersey. But there was an effect. If you haven’t been bludgeoned to death with the pesky reminders, don’t forget to visit here to donate to the Red Cross. Hey, check out the Byron Leftwich Steeler era in visual form. Until next time!