Good tidings everyone and welcome, once again, to this quickly/drunkenly-typed post of one handsome man’s observations of Sunday Night Football. Wait, wait, wait. You’re telling me it’s time to watch Josh Freeman again already? Oh wait, he’s out with a concussion. Nice. So instead we get… Christian Ponder? Sigh.
the drinking game I played
Take a sip of PBR in a wine glass…
…whenever Mike McCarthy called a totally worthless run play.
…every time Christian Ponder completely whiffed on an open man.
…whenever Christian Ponder looked totally confused about life.
…every time Cris Collinsworth gushed over BJ Raji.
Chug a wine glass full of PBR…
…every time Mason Crosby shanked a kick.
…whenever I felt like it, because Christian Ponder, bro.
score and a quick summary of the game
GB – 44, MIN – 31
Do we really need a quick summary here? This was most likely the most un-fulfilling Sunday Night game so far. Combine that with the fact that we got the State Farm ‘Grill-time’ commercial so much, I had fantasies of performing seppuku. And no, you don’t get a link to that commercial. If you want to go masochist, you’re gonna have to work for it. So yeah, the game. It was a game for the first five minutes, then it wasn’t. That’s it. I’m done.
DRUNKEN BULLET POINTS
– In every corn maze in Minnesota there’s a trapdoor that leads directly to Iowa where lost children are regularly Shanghai’d by rogue agents of Big Corn through these channels in order to fill the detasseling labor shortage. And that’s how your soda becomes sweet.
– What’s the Metrodome turf made out of? Old tarpaper shingles?
– Only Mike McCarthy would wear a rain jacket in a dome.
– We’ve secretly replaced AP’s dreams of a championship with Christian Ponder derptitude. Let’s see if anyone notices…
– Miller Lite: Our can allows you to drink it really fast so you don’t have to taste it.
– I love that there is a fat man on the Packers named Jolly.
– THESE PACKERS, I CALL THEM THE WAODANI TRIBE, BECAUSE THEY’RE CLOSE-KNIT AND HOSTILE TO OUTSIDERS!
world famous Razzball player blurb thing-a-ma-jigs
Aaron Rodgers — 24/29, 285 YDS, 2 TD, 0 INT and 6 CAR, 31 YDS. Aaron “The Glue, The Paste” Rodgers. Stop searching for a nickname, folks. Al’s found it. On a more serious note… marginally, Aaron Rodgers looks like a mortician.
Christian Ponder — 14/21, 145 YDS, 0 TD, 0 INT and 5 CAR, 38 YDS, 1 TD. Wait, Ponder can’t make ALL the throws? But he has POISE. Question– Does Ponder get to wear the “no contact” red jersey during the game? I think that’s fair. Fortunately, I keep one in the chamber in case they be pondering…
Eddie Lacy — 29 CAR, 94 YDS, 1 TD and 4 REC, 18 YDS. I always like a little lacy in the backfield. Hey now. Anybody else remember when Trent Richardson and Eddie Lacy were in the same backfield and Richardson was supposed to be the better back? Ah, good times. THIS EDDIE LACY, I CALL HIM RON JEREMY, BECAUSE HE’S QUICK INSIDE A HOLE FOR A BIG MAN!
James Starks — 7 CAR, 57 YDS, 1 TD. I’m amazed Starks didn’t get injured walking on the field. But seriously, get off the field. Why? Not Lacy.
Toby Gerhart — 1 CAR, 13 YDS, 1 TD. Frazier: “U MAD PETERSON OWNERS?” I totally forgot that Gerhart being a Heisman finalist was a thing that happened.
Adrian Peterson — 13 CAR, 60 YDS, 1 TD. “SAVE US PURPLE JESUS!” – Vikings fans. All 12 of them.
Jarrett Boykin — 5 REC, 89 YDS. What the heck is Boykin and where does it come from?
Jordy Nelson — 7 REC, 123 YDS, 2 TD. Jordy Nelson looks like the kind of guy that’d be a person of interest in a serial murder case, he just needs a Carhartt jacket. He doesn’t have the natural talent, but he just keeps plugging away at the murder factory every day until he gets the job done. Also, at what age should you say, “Guys, stop calling me Jordy”?
Myles White — 5 REC, 35 YDS. A white guy with the last name of White? WEIRD. It’s like the Xerox of Fate ran out of ink. By the way, when I said throw it to the white guy, I meant Nelson.
Greg Jennings — 1 REC, 9 YDS. Jennings looks like a 6-year-old Greg Oden.
MIN DEF — If you ended up starting the Vikings defense, chances are you probably started several players on their bye week as well.
GB DEF — The Packers front 7 consists of AJ Hawk, Mike Neal, Datone Jones, an invisible guy, a paper clip, a tooth pick, and a pack of gum. MacGyver nods in approval.
a wonderful concluding thought
Think of all the awesome features in the new Vikings stadium that won’t make up for giving up 40+ points!
Jason Longfellow, aka Jay Long, aka JayWrong, aka Jay, aka JW-1, is a 31-year old Korean/Irish writer who finds solace using Makers Mark as a vehicle to impress women, and also has an affinity for making Jennifer Lawrence GIFs. You can follow him @jaywrong, read his blog Desultory Thoughts of a Longfellow, or, you can find his GIFs at his tumblr, named Siuijeonseo.