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Good tidings everyone and welcome, once again, to this quickly/drunkenly-typed post of one handsome man’s observations of Sunday Night Football, which is tacitly accepted as the premiere time-slot. This series of 17 (likely) posts will be much like last year. Except we’re going to do a little format change, cause that’s how I roll. First section will be the score and a quick summary of the game. Quick, just the way your mother likes it. The second section will be my DRUNKEN BULLET POINTS. All caps, why? BECAUSE THAT’S WHY. Which totally answers your question. And then next, the world famous Razzball player blurb thing-a-ma-jigs. And then a wonderful concluding thought. Because I know you care of such things. So let’s see how this goes with an already indiscriminate amount of bourbon in my system.

score and a quick summary of the game

NY – 31, DAL – 36

So, what was up with the fireworks? Jerry’s world had a closed roof. So they shot fireworks on the outside for the benefit of who? Cows wandering the streets of Dallas? Anyhow, the game started auspiciously for the G-men, as their first pass ended with an interception and first run ended in a fumble. X-box achievement unlocked. Speaking of achievements, has anyone noticed that Jason Garret doesn’t appear to do anything now? Maybe staring aimlessly is a thing? Truth be told, this game ended up being one of the better presentations of how you don’t play football. The Cowboys continually, and with true grit and determination, wanted desperately to the give the game away all night long. You know this because I used like 97 adjectives. But the Dallas Cowboys met their match, as the Giants simply refused to take it. So that’s something, I guess.

DRUNKEN BULLET POINTS 

– First 12 minutes, 4 turnovers.

– Eli:Tony::Hamilton:Burr

– Brian Urlacher delivers lines worse than he raises kids.

– “These are all professional football players.” Evidently Collinsworth wasn’t watching the same game as the rest of us.

– “You’re not going to win a lot of games with six turnovers.” Great analysis there, Al. YUUUUGE take.

– I call this game Syria, because both sides are awful and the whole world is watching them destroy each other.

– No, Romo. Throw AWAY from the octuple coverage.

– Coughlin’s face has reached the very rare color of magenta.

– So, Romo injured, Dez injured, Murray fine?

– Congratulations to the Washington Redskins for being the 2013 NFC East Division Champions.

world famous Razzball player blurb thing-a-ma-jigs

Tony Romo — 36/49, 263 YDS, 2 TDs, 1 INT and 2 CAR, -1 YDS. Romo. Dead. AKA Romocorpse. AKA Romocalypse. I am speaking of the Giant Romo sandwich, which tastes suspiciously like dog poop, that happened right before the half. *Candice Romo looking through binoculars. “Is his checkbook alright?” So it wasn’t that bad, even though the damage looked substantial. Apparently the ribs were fine, just the wind getting knocked out of him, allegedly. Despite Romo’s best efforts, he was not able to lose this game. Remember, the choking doesn’t begin until after November.

Kyle Orton — DNP, but did warm-up. Neckbeard sighting! I would suggest a clutch kneel down when this happens.

Eli Manning — 27/42, 450 YDS, 4 TDs, 3 INTs and 2 CAR, 8 YDS. Eliderpception-Manningface-incredulous Coughlin face. Wash, rinse, repeat. You’re the blue guys Eli! Was it a strange game of chicken to see how Romo would raise the stakes? Some strange homage perhaps? Halfway through the second quarter, check out this internal scoreboard I made:

Eli’s completed passes to Giants receivers: 3
Eli’s completed passes to Cowboys players: 2

That was my artificial cut-off point because competent drives started showing up. Sorta. Not really. I’m just messing with you. Anyhow, Eli’s ‘C’ on his jersey stands for cuddly. That’s what I’ve determined.

DeMarco Murray — 20 CAR, 86 YDS. Hey Murray, run forward better! That’s a long journey you take for 3 yards. I mean, honestly, if fantasy leagues counted lateral yardage, Murray would go first in every draft.

David Wilson — 7 CAR, 19 YDS, 2 FUM. We’ve secretly replaced David Wilson with Tiki Barber. Let’s see if anyone notices. Actually, I think the Steelers and Giants should trade running backs for a week and see if anyone notices that. Anyhow, congratulations to the Giants Week-2 starting running back, Michael Turner. RIP David Wilson’s Career: Sept. 2013- Sept 2013.

Da’Rel Scott — 5 CAR, 23 YDS. I stopped playing football in 8th grade, so someone needs to explain to me how that 4th quarter interception was 100% on the RB. The ball was thrown 3-feet behind him.

Miles Austin — 10 REC, 72 YDS. Truly, a very Miles Austin type of game.

Dez Bryant — 4 REC, 22 YDS. Dez was easily one of the top-10 receivers the Giants have faced so far this season. So yeah, fourth quarter is when the brilliant playcall happened. 3rd-and-6, under three minutes to go, what do you do? Play it safe and just throw it 5 yards I guess. And then ankle explosion. Fantastic, all of it.

Victor Cruz — 5 REC, 118 YDS, 3 TDs. Victor Cruz, trading in the salsa for the ‘flopping around like a dying fish’ method of celebrating I see.

Hakeem Nicks — 5 REC, 114 YDS, 0 TDs. This Giants wide receiver corps, I call them Fleetwood Mac. Because no one really knows who they are besides Nicks.

Rueben Randle — 5 REC, 101 YDS, 0 TDs. Sounds like a tasty sammich.

Jason Witten — 8 REC, 70 YDS, 2 TDs. “Who the ef is this Witten guy?” –Giants DC.

Terrance Williams — 2 REC, 32 YDS, 0 TDs. Terrance Williams went to the Jermichael Finley school of pass catching.

Henry Hynoski — 0 REC, 0 YDS, 0 TDs. If it was a sausage he’d catch it, amiright?

NYG DEF — Does the Giants defense get fantasy points for trying to kill Romo?

DAL DEF — The Cowboys went into the cover nobody defense early and often.

a wonderful concluding thought

I call this game deep throat, because it keeps sucking, and I keep enjoying it.

Jaywrong is a 30-year old Korish writer who finds solace using Makers Mark as a vehicle to impress women, and also has an affinity for making Jennifer Lawrence GIFs. You can follow him @jaywrong, read his blog Desultory Thoughts of a Longfellow, or, you can find his GIFs at his tumblr, named Siuijeonseo.

From Around The Web

  1. Shake N Bacon says:
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    I read somewhere that Willis McGahee and Brandon Jacobs will be working out for the Giants this week. Either worth a speculative add…if say your third RB is Redman. Pittsburgh was awful!!!

  2. Fratstar says:
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    Love the bio part about Makers Mark….Murica!

    • Jay

      jaywrong says:
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      @Fratstar: salud!

  3. Jeremy says:
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    Wondering if Reggie Bush’s debut warrants a Calvin Johnson, Chris Johnson, EJ Manuel for Bush, Alex Smith, Kendall Thompkins trade. I’d be giving up calvin and chris

    • Jay

      jaywrong says:
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      @Jeremy: I’d hold. I’m still a big Megatron guy.

  4. Goldschmidt On Her Chest says:
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    I know right. They kept saying “oh I can’t believe Scott didn’t turn around in time, what was he thinking?” He JUST got outa the backfield looking like he was starting a route. Did they want him to run that route backwards?Maybe if Eli chose to throw it down the field as times tickings away instead of checking down to his RB IMMEDIATLY 3 plays in a row

  5. Ralph Lifshitz

    Dad Boner says:
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    I believed in David Wilson last Tuesday. Took him late in the 3rd. Should I walk into traffic? Is Scott going to start next week? Is my RB 4 Hillman really just a well hyped shit sandwich? Where did all go wrong? It’s not even week 2!

    • Jay

      jaywrong says:
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      @Dad Boner: I own Wilson and Bryant in the writers league. Don’t cross the street without me bro.

  6. Clyde Prompto says:
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    Hahaha this write up was hilarious. The Gruden-isms always slay me.

    • Jay

      jaywrong says:
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      @Clyde Prompto: he’s one of my main inspirations as a writer.

  7. Clyde Prompto says:
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    @jaywrong: He’s one of my main inspirations as a human being.

    • Jay

      jaywrong says:
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      @Clyde Prompto: Then you sir, are my hero.

Comments are closed.