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J-FOH

The Handcuff Report – The Tolbert Report

November 1, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Football, Handcuff Report | 88 Comments

by: J-FOH

Tonight, we answer the question to why Mike Tolbert is relevant. How does anyone in Carolina notice when his name isn't Newton, not the cookie, the quarterback. Why do Americans love their football so much and politicans so little, tell me your thoughts at #idiots rule. Why does this only sound good in my own head when I do this in a Steven Colbert voice? Maybe it's the 6 beers and three glasses of scotch I've had. I don't know, you can watch the real Colbert Report if your are already tired of this. In the spirit of the Colbert Report we will do the Word about Mr. Tolbert. He's scored 3 on the ground and 2 through the air this year. All of those TD's came in victories for the Panthers. Like any owner of the most relevant fullback in football, we hope Señor Rivera sees this too and decides to give him a chance to score every week because Tolbert +TD = VICTORY....for them and you. He's a great bye week filler and will be someone to watch for match ups every week. I think the risk is similar to Danny Woodhead earlier in the year when we were unsure whether to start him or not for fear of touches. With the Panthers on a roll, I would go big, literally and send Tolbert out there if you have the need. He faces the Falcons this week who are competing with the Texans for biggest disappointment of the year award.
JB Gilpin

Last Second Decisions – The Battle Of Midway

October 27, 2013 | Last Second Decisions | 121 Comments

by: JB Gilpin

Man, hard to believe we're already halfway through the fantasy season.  Where has the time gone? At the mid-point, it's time to start really addressing a few things.  Injury status, playoff schedule, all of that good stuff is important to start noting, especially with trades.  When trading right now, its critical that you look at the schedule and realize you're only getting 6 regular season games out of new acquisitions past this Sunday if 4 teams make week 15/16 playoffs, and only 5 if it's a 6-team playoff.  A little crazy to think you get that little time.  While Fantasy Baseball and Fantasy Basketball (pumped for a big year!) are both marathons, Fantasy Football is a sprint.  I pick Usain Bolt!  Championship.
J-FOH

The Handcuff Report – Helu, out there in the cold, getting lonely, getting old, can you add me?

October 25, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Football, Handcuff Report | 83 Comments

by: J-FOH

After my road trip deep into the woods of the Pacific Northwest to meet and pass Razzball Football initiation with our leader Sky, I have returned a new man with no recollection of last Saturday. I woke up Sunday, naked and alone, sometime in the early evening to find Roy Helu had scored three touchdowns in the Redskins big win over the Bears. Am I still drugged up? Is this all a dream? Why are my pants cut into chaps? Like almost everyone else on earth, except maybe this guy, who would of thought Roy Helu would score as many rushing TD's in one game that CJ Spiller, Arian Foster and Doug Martin have combined for this season. Yeah, F**K YOU FIRST ROUND RUNNING BACKS! It's ok everyone, Helu is just really lucky because of one game, but it is hard to imagine that he goes back to nothingness considering the Skins only two wins came in games where he found the endzone. Wait!...What? Yup, that is correct 12 readers of my "list". In the Skins only two victories of the season Helu found the endzone four times. He has averaged 4.2 YPC on the year and averages 10.9 yards per reception. That looks good enough to me Shanahanigans. PLAY HELU MORE! WE NEED MORE HELU! RETIRE YOU CRAZY BASTARD! WHY AM I YELLING AT MY COMPUTER WHILE I WRITE THIS! Sorry for the yelling 12 readers, I drafted Trent Richardson everywhere and if I keep punching my computer I won't be able to bring this drivel to you every Friday. I would grab Helu everywhere, no not there Prezzii, and either use him or stash him. Because of the unpredictability of his coach I won't make him a fuzzy cuff til I see more. Before moving on I must share this beautiful artistic piece about the ownership of the Redskins.
Andrew Nordmeier

Sawbones Scribings Week 8 – Doug Martin Can’t Shoulder the Load

October 25, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Football, Injury Report | 1 Comment

by: Andrew Nordmeier

The demolition derby of humanity known as the NFL continues to churn on and keeps filling my office with patients. Doug Martin of the Bucs missed last night's game with a torn labrum and could be done for the year. Reggie Wayne and Sam Bradford are both toast with ACL injuries. Jay Cutler of the Bears is out for four weeks with a groin injury. Jermichael Finley is done for the year after a scary neck injury and bruised spine. Let's go a little more in-depth on the Martin injury.
JB Gilpin

Last Second Decisions – Benchers Ain’t $#%& But Hoes And Tricks

October 20, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Football, Last Second Decisions | 181 Comments

by: JB Gilpin

Ugh.  My bench calls last week, in a way to sum them up, is like the Vikings this season.  AP has to go through an unimaginable tragedy, then there's rumors of him being traded, then they bring in a scrapheap of a QB in Josh Freeman who is going to start.  On a lighter note, ESPN wants the head of whomever scheduled the Monday Night Football games this year.  Wait - that's lighter?  Ummm, yea if Joe Pesci is the head-deliverer! I hated going into LSD this week.  Haha, a sentence I never thought I'd say... But yeah, it was a brutal week, and despite utterly clobbering the other Razzball Writers and being one of the handful of teams undefeated in RCLs, I just can't quite seem to hit my stride in Last Second Decisions so far this year.  But what is hitting its stride is RCL Basketball, and we're gearing up for the best and biggest season we've ever had over there on hoops.  If you need your fantasy get-me-over when NFL is over and until Baseball and daily Grey-dates (what I call Grey updates, but now realize that sounds like a Cougar dating site term), hoops is you perfect go-to through the second half of Winter to early Spring.
J-FOH

The Handcuff Report – Randle With Care

October 18, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Football, Handcuff Report | 52 Comments

by: J-FOH

For those of you that had week 6 in your DeMarco Murray injury pool then enjoy your winnings and for those of you that had Joseph Randle stashed I call bullshizz. What's that diligent razzball commenter, "hey J, you had Lance Dunbar listed as the handcuff the last 4 weeks". I know and who would of thunk the guy with ZERO touches all season would be the guy to replace the guy. I'm not here to get all googly eyed over Randle even though Randle is the word of the week right now in fantasy football. First, you have the knee injury to Randall Cobb, who I always thought was this guy, and then you have Rueben Randle, the very relevant the last two weeks WR from the Giants who likes to battle with David Wilson on Twitter. Now Joseph Randle doesn't really add to the sexy mix like the other two, but he is the starter this week and may be needed as a bye week stand in. If you don't need him then I wouldn't drop anyone worthy to stash him. Last week vs. the Skins he managed only 1.4 YPC for a total of 17 yards on 11 carries with a long of 14 yards. That means he averaged 0.3 yards for the other 10 carries, that's a little less than a foot per carry against one of the worst run defenses. He did catch two balls out of the backfield and considering he is playing the Eagles this week might be good for 8-10 points and maybe more in a PPR league. Everyone on the list below him is droppable to stream, and we might see a different Randle this week compared to last when he gets all week to prepare and mentally get ready to be the main ball carrier. But again, I wouldn't put my stock too high. Sorry readers this post will be a little short this week for I am going on a trip to see our leader Sky and have a lot of things to handle before I leave town. I also want to wish our Razzball icon on the baseball side a happy bachelor party weekend, may it turn out as exciting as this one. I will be available throughout the weekend for Q&A and via Twitter for those that prefer that route.....damn I went link crazy this week!
J-FOH

The Handcuff Report – Ellington Orchestrating a Climb up the Charts

October 11, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Football, Handcuff Report | 52 Comments

by: J-FOH

If you haven't yet, you better listen to the Duke and get on the "A" train, Andre that is. Andre Ellington has a role my fellow Razzballers. Bruce Arians says he's a 30 play a game player because he doesn't have the body type to handle being a "lead dog runner". Can we pray for 20+ touches out of those 30 plays? I know this isn't the best news, but what he does with those touches can be kinda magical. He's averaging 6.7 YPC and 11.1 YPR (Yards Per Reception). Some might call him the change of pace back in Arizona, I call him the pace they should be at back. As of right now, he's a PPR flex in the bye week and a possible starter based on match ups. Last week in a 1 point PPR league he scored 12.30 points. Not bad in my book. It's a situation you need to keep tabs on. The kid has skills and who knows what Bruce's game plan will be by week 10. This might be the guy that wins you a playoff match up when Mendenhall is done for the year by week 13 and Andre is the only guy worth handing off to in the desert. In Yahoo he's 22% owned right now, I just picked him up for my friend in her league and that was confounding to me considering that Daryl Richardson hadn't been dropped yet....yeah I don't like Richardson.
J-FOH

The Handcuff Report – “Woodhead? But we just met…..OK, I’m game”

October 4, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Football, Handcuff Report | 136 Comments

by: J-FOH

This might seem like an inappropriate proposition when our lead this week has only 19 carries for 90 yards on the year with zero rushing TD's, but trust me, I'm writing this with the best of intentions. Danny Woodhead was the apple of Phillip River's eye this past weekend with his 5 catches for 54 yards and 2 TD's. "But Jack, those are his only two TD's on the season?" That is correct diligent commenter, but please let me finish. On the year he is second on the Chargers with 22 receptions, has provided a different look in the backfield with his 4.7 YPC and looks like he uses "what's up brah" as a greeting. If you are looking for a bye week flyer or a potential PPR flex then look no further than Woodhead. Am I the only one here giggling every time I say his name? Before I move on to the ranks I want to pay my final respects to the 2013 Fantasy Baseball Season. It was one hell of a ride for those of us in the RCL and to my frequent commenters, I say thank you for making the ride that much better. Now I can fully throw myself into football, my 2nd fantasy love, and say goodbye to my old friend fantasy baseball. I was recently comforted by frequent commenter Kid A when he said that fantasy football was his methadone for fantasy baseball. Now I can sit back and drink my nice warm cup of fantasy methadone and give my proper dues to this icon and this icon. Without these two, none of this would be possible and with that I want to encourage all the Fantasy Footballers to give baseball a shot. Razzball makes the game that some view as meh, if you follow the guys on CBS, fun and a really good ride. Now on to the ranks
Sky

Hoyer Donde Va?

October 4, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 247 Comments

by: Sky

I should've known it was black magic. Didn't even need the woman to be involved. A Cleveland Browns passing offense that passes the eye test? Not possible they said. A QB that could withstand the pressure of playing behind a bad offensive line? 'I'm incredulous' said those who use the word 'incredulous' and actually know what it means. I blame Carlos Santana. Hey, there's a catcher from the Indians named that so it's apropos, people. But it happened for a couple of weeks that the Browns and their passing game was saved by their quarterback being - by both the stats test and the eye test - really not that bad. But of course it's Cleveland and as we know, everything Browns eventually goes to Brown-town. Brian Hoyer left the Thursday Night Football game with a knee that couldn't have been more shredded than the hillside of a snowboard instructor in Aspen. There's nothing definitive as of this typing but for all intents and purposes, it didn't look good at all and I wouldn't be surprised if his season is over. I take partial blame as I've been snake-bitten with injuries this year and actually picked Hoyer up to stream this week in one of my leagues. Mea culpa. Moving forward, the skill position players are gonna have to learn what it means to go from good to bad and how to cope. The parts there are still good, but they lost a little luster for me tonight knowing it's going to take a trade - unlikely - or a free agent pickup - possible? - to fix this mess. And just when I was about to say Cleveland Rocks...in other 2013 Fantasy Football news...
J-FOH

The Handcuff Report – You Down With GOB, Yeah You Know Me, Who’s Down With GOB, Every Last Homie

September 27, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Football, Handcuff Report | 84 Comments

by: J-FOH

As for the ladies, GOB means something gifted. The first two letters spell GO but the last one is something different, wait, what? of course it's different....different good, the B stands for you been going Big... Ok, no more hack rappin on the Razz... Have you ever known that hot chick that was dating down for the longest time? She always says, "he will turn his life around" and "you don't see what I see". For the latter I hope I never see that guy naked. Well the Bengals are that hot chick and they just don't see what we all see: That GOB - or Giovani Bernard as you know him - is a stud waiting patiently, flashing his "I'm better than the Law Firm skills" every week and trying to get exclusive with the Bengals. I don't want you all thinking that BenJarvis Green Ellis is a dud, but he is the complementary back to Giovanni and not the other way around. I chose to highlight GOB this week for a few reasons 1) this might be the last time I write about GOB 2) I'm crushing on him like Grey on Giancarlo (must be the sexy Italian names) and owning him nowhere 3) there is no three, oh wait here it is in my back pocket, he's a top ten back in Yahoo and not 100% owned. If he's not owned, then grab him, if the league is too small for him to be owned then get in a bigger league or play draft kings with our 7 foot biscuit pimp. Before I get to my ranks, I just watched a commercial for fries on a burger and have noticed lately they sell burritos with fries inside at a few select fast food joints. Is it just me or does this seem borderline ridiculous? Yes, I like fries in my food, but I want to do it myself and feel special for doing it. Don't cheap up my special things fast food empire!
LT Murray IV

Targets and Touches: Antonio Brown Goes Liberace On Bears

September 27, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Football, Hard Targets | 59 Comments

by: LT Murray IV

My buzz is crazy in the hood, they holler my name. If it ain't about the writing, it's about the stones and the wang. Greetings! Tis I, your beloved Tehol Beddict, returning yet again to give you a rundown on this past week's targets and touches that stood out in this mind of mine that's been referred to as beautiful, a la John Nash. I haven't yet received my Nobel Prize but one day, with your continued support and recognition, that day will surely come. I know what you're thinking; " In comparing Antonio Brown to Liberace, Beddict is saying Brown went balls deep into a plethora of young men who are employed by the Chicago Bears." Come on now people. Get your mind out of the gutter. I'm simply referring to the flash and pizazz Brown displayed in making one incredible play after another against the highly rated Bears secondary. What Brown does off the field is none of my business. Brown exploded with 9 receptions for 196 yards and 2 TD's on 13 targets. Now, we've all been waiting for Brown to explode like a lactose intolerant Rosie O'Donnell after a 31 flavors binge, and he rewarded his owners in an extreme manner. Brown is far and away the superior wideout on Pittsburgh and I expect him to average around 100 yards receiving for the remainder of the season. If you want to disagree with me, go ahead. Just be aware that I may go Liberace on you and I'm not talking speaking of flash and pizazz if you catch my drift. Here's what else caught my lovely eyes this past weekend. Take Heed!