I’m nothing if not culturally irrelevant. Leave it to me to bring up a white Canadian Reggae rapper from the early 90’s that was known best for a song that no one can sing along to because we have zero clue what the crazy Canuck was saying. Lickeeboomboomdan? Ickyvroomvroomman? I have zero clue. I’ve looked up the lyrics now that I live in the age of the intarwebs. Still don’t care. Dude was spitting fierce tourette’s jibberish if you ask me. We get made fun of for Vanilla Ice, what about some accountability for this, Canada? You’ve never bombed my great nation but you’ve still found ways to destroy my culture. Bryan Adams, Alanis Morissette, Nickelback…you guys have zero shame. But of course I’m not here to add fuel to the inevitable Canada vs ‘Merica war, I’m here to talk fantasy football and so I’m picking probably the worst game on the day to pick my stud from. Naturally. In what can only be described as a snow bowl, the Eagles won 34-20 in a game that featured no FGs or XP attempts, 8 total fumbles, and Foles’ first INT of the year, it only makes sense that LeSean McCoy would go off against one of the best rushing defenses in the league. Can’t throw the ball in the snow, eh? Well, might as well run Shady 29 times for 217 yards and 2 TDs then. Problem solved. Though the weather let up a bit in the second half, it was still a fantasy $h!tshow for most of us who owned parts of these two teams. Megatron? Bupkis. Stafford? Lamesauce. Riley Cooper? Oh fudge (only I didn’t say fudge). It was a game that ‘real football fans’ adore and we fake football fans loathe, especially on the first week of the playoffs. This game could’ve sealed the fate for quite a few teams. It’s a bitter pill to swallow because either way you’re gonna be mad. What if Stafford, Megatron, et al went off on your bench? Roshambo yourself. But they stayed in your lineup and didn’t go off. Another roshambo to oneself. It was a can’t win scenario and unfortunately – unless you owned McCoy – probably won’t win because of it. Well look at that, I’ve already depressed 75% of my readers in the first paragraph. New record! Well let’s get to some better news then shall we? Here’s the rest of the fantasy goods from week 14 of the 2013 Fantasy Football season.
Rob Gronkowski – As of this typing, no official word but it’s almost a given Rob is out for the rest of the 2013 season, including the playoffs as it’s feared he has a torn ACL. We usually call him Gronk. Now we just call him ‘owski’. Wait, did I say I was gonna cheer you up in the lead paragraph. My bad. *Makes balloon animal and gives lollipop*.
Andrew Luck – Playing from behind yet again by a bajilion points, only this time Andrew delivers. Just like he hasn’t for about 3 weeks when given a similar set up, destroying one of my team’s chances for the playoffs. I started Case Keenan over you…GO LUCK YOURSELF!
Josh Gordon – Only had 7/151/1 through the air but thankfully contributed 34 on the ground to make up for it. Gordon, you’ve set the bar at 200 or bust. You disappoint me, sir…in the most wonderful way.
Shane Vereen – Is it just me or is it odd a guy who was called a PPR stud has scored 3 times on the ground and only once through the air so far? Ok, just me maybe. Regardless, when Gronk went out Vereen went nuts: 12/153 through the air and 3/9/1 on the ground. And while we’re on the topic of Gronk out, let’s take a quick assessment of the Pats I want to own in the passing game: Edelman and Vereen. We’ll see how the targets shake out but I’m not excited to try and play Patriot roulette. It’s like having a chatroulette with Grey. He gets bored when Fantasy Baseball isn’t in full gear. Clearly…
Jamaal Charles – Was a big part of the annihilation of the Shannys – 159 total yards and 2 TDs – as the ‘skins stadium looks much like my Sunday football party looked when I ate all the bean dip by the end of the first quarter.
Cordarrelle Patterson – Had 258 total yards on the day with 5/141/1 of that coming through the air. Heading into Sunday Night Football, Patterson was the 3rd highest scoring wideout in PPR leagues. I know it’s cliche to say ‘it’s been a weird week in the NFL’ but c’mon, I never use it and it actually applies this week! Give it to me this once.
Da’Rick Rodgers – Went for 6/107/2 as Marvin Lewis will probably have his CBs practice tackling drills effective last night. Now I’m not gonna take too much credit from Rodgers – plenty of tough catches – but the defense for Cincy was a real let down in the secondary. That said, this is the man who was being given a shot along with LaVon Brazill (3/53/2) in DHB’s place. Now DHB gets dropped even further down the depth chart due to their success and his drops. Is there irony somewhere in there? Maybe? Someone needs to put a scratch and sniff irony sticker on things so we can tell if/when it is. Oh and I am interested in Da’Rick if we’re talking fantasy for both real and deep league dynasty.
Jordan Cameron – Hey, I remember this guy. Didn’t he used to be good? I guess he is again…? Went for 9/121/1 as it seems only one TE named Jordan can be startable at any time. Watch out for a Reed return next week! Or not…yeah, prolly not.
Marcel Reece – Rushed for over 100 on a team that hasn’t given up a 100 yard rushing game on the year, gaining 161 total yards – 123 on the ground – and a TD. It would make sense on a day that Geno Smith didn’t turn the ball over 4 times that the Jets would give up their first 100 yard rusher. Oh and randomly Terrelle Pryor was put in on one series in the first quarter and it wasn’t the one where Oakland was pinned at the one. Why? *Looks at Raiders record* Needless to say, it was a weird week in the NFL…ok, I promise I’m done with that now! Reece may see more touches for his performance today even when Rashad comes back but I wouldn’t worry about a timeshare.
Rod Streater – Andre Holmes had a few chances and was targeted heavily but it was Streater (7/130/1) who got to take full advantage of the Jets terrible secondary. If I have to choose between the two Raider WRs, I still like Holmes but I’ve never NOT liked Streater…I know, it sounds like I’m hedging. I’m not really. But we’re talking Raiders WRs. How many times have we been disappointed before? You probably don’t wanna step in this mess if you’re still in the playoffs.
Adrian Peterson – Left the game with an ankle injury. Then the cart came out. Then he was seen jumping up and down trying to get ready. Then he got on the cart…yeah, I don’t get it either. He says he’ll be back. Not sure the Vikings want to destroy their MVP/possible trade chip down the stretch. If you’re worried or in need of RB help, you could do worse than Toby Gerhart (15/89/1 with a lost fumble). BTW, if I’m not mistaken, this game changed leads about 4 times in the final 2 minutes. It was a weird week in the NFL…seriously, I’m not even typing that anymore, who said that!
Jason Campbell – Yep. Oh yeah. For sure. Uh huh. This is my response to you when you ask ‘did Jason Campbell just outscore about every QB ranked higher than him this week?’ I don’t think I have to repeat myself but the answer is ‘yes’. I’ve now talked about three Browns players. That has to be a Sunday roundup record.
Bobby Rainey – Not gonna lie, I have a deep league team that I started Vereen and Rainey on and still have a major shot at losing despite another sweet Bobby statline: 127 rushing yards, 80 of which came on an opening TD run. Rainey has performed well against mediocre to bad defenses and has been stuffed by one great rushing defense (today excluded of course). So the Bucs have Rainey, James and Martin as a three-headed RB juggernaut for next year? I’m scurred…regarding their fantasy values of course. There’s no such thing as a 3-headed RB, silly.
Dennis Pitta – I didn’t think he’d be fantasy relevant the moment he touched the field. After a 6/48/1 line on 11 targets, I was proven wrong. He was rusty with quite a few dropped passes but the fact he was able to get open for said dropped passes is a good sign. How many Gronk owners left him on waivers saying ‘when would I start this guy over Rob? That would be stupid’. Sorry I know, fresh wounds but still, I have a funny feeling its ‘a crapton’ being the answer.
Joique Bell – With Reggie Bush slipping in the tunnel on the way to the game and being shut down, it was time for Bell to shine and he did…or at least I think he did. I couldn’t see him out there. But I see his statline: 127 total yards and a TD. Only thing that marred his day was what marred Detroit’s offense overall: fumbles. Namely, 7 of them, 5 by Stafford alone. I thought the cold only brought on shrinkage of balls…wouldn’t that make them easier to hold onto? I’m not joique’ing, I want to know.
Montee Ball – A lot of people wondered why I had the Broncos receivers so low on the week. Well, I really thought we’d see more ground and pound against a tough Titans secondary because Denver had the weapons to do it and because the Titans are Gawd-awful against the run. I guess I should’ve known an angry ‘who says I can’t throw well in the cold’ Peyton would make a point to throw a TD to all 4 of his main guys. But of course, I’m here to talk about Ball: 15/77/1 and 3/10 through the air. I only put him 28th in standard because there was an off-chance that TEN made a game of it and kept the Broncos passing. Well, best of both worlds happened and Ball went Full Montee for his owners. I was not one of them and sadly stayed fully clothed all Sunday.
Knowshon Moreno – I don’t even know what to really say. Moreno did his typical dual damage (78/1 on the ground 6/31 through the air) and Prater set an NFL record for a 64 yard FG. It was a fantasy scoregasm in Denver and it deserves its own Sunday writeup to itself.
Giovani Bernard – Had nearly 150 total yards on offense (12/99 on the ground and 4/49 through the air) but didn’t score a TD so few will talk about him. Except me. I heart you Gio. Even if Marvin Lewis hearted BJGE on the goal line more today. But what does he know? He still has the Red Rocket as his QB.
Justin Hunter – Sure, I suggested you last week and you drop a donut and then turn around and do this: 4/114/1. Justin, you and I need to get on the same page. Text me, we’ll do lunch. Maybe talk about how Harvard-schooled Fitzpatrick still finds ways to make stupid-bad decisions. I’m buying. But I’m also broke. How about Wendy’s?
Keenan Allen – Briefly left the game after his first touchdown but knew you were counting on him and returned to finish the game with 3/59/2. In this same game, Hakeem Nicks went for 135 on 5 catches and ya know what? Don’t even care. I’d say I’ve grown numb to you but I called you overrated in the off-season and avoided you at all costs. Now why couldn’t I have typed the same thing about Danny Amendola? DAH!
Antonio Brown – A great day (5/137/1) that could’ve been greater if he knew what he was stepping in. Nah, not making ‘Brown’ jokes. Was talking about him stepping out on the sidelines on a potential game winning miracle play. Meanwhile, Jacoby Jones returned a TD for the Ravens after the Tomlin jump that ruined a potential TD one week ago. Have I mentioned it was a weird week in the NFL yet? I have? Multiple times, you say? And now you’re about to boycott the site until I stop? Got it. That would just make a weird week in the NFL that much weirder, though…just sayin’.
Lamar Miller – Left the game with a concussion which cleared the way for Daniel Thomas – he’s back and healthy?!? – to go for 105 and a TD. Before you get overly excited about DT, I’m just gonna point out he had a 55 yard run on which he was brought down from behind by a defensive lineman. Think on that for a minute…now realize you’re still picking him up if you need an RB play but don’t get too excited.
Ryan Mathews – Had his 4th 100 yard rushing game on the year (29/103/1 and 3/32 through the air) and is on pace for about 1,200 total yards, 7 touchdowns and an inflated draft price in 2014 that I can’t endorse.
Jimmy Graham – Foot problems eh? For a guy who’s playing hurt, it’s hard to tell: 5/56/2. Next time I tell anyone tell sell Graham, I’ll be doing it so they sell them to me.
Marques Colston – There’s the guy I told you to buy a bajillion years ago! Colston went for 9/125/2 on everyone who’s in 8th places bench. Over the off-season, the Saints are probably gonna be deciding on whether to keep Colston or Moore. They may even decide to dump or keep both but neither is likely. I’d bank on Colston returning due to his history with Brees but if I’m buying a Saints WR next year, it’ll probably have to be Stills. No, not motionless. Who wants a motionless WR? Kenny Stills. Jeez…