Alright, alright, alright. I keep getting older but I stay looking the same age. That may be because of the lipo, as I’ve had enough fat sucked out of my glutes to choke Moby Dick. Adrian Peterson certainly doesn’t require any amount of liposuction, as the man is built straight out of the Elder Gods’s fantasies. At 6’1″ and 220 pounds, this man could run through a concrete wall and probably destroy ISIS in its entirety this weekend. Peterson was also a winner in the courtroom this week, pleading no contest to one count of misdemeanor reckless assault, which hit him with a monstrous $4,000.00 fine and a couple hours of community service. That one’s really got dent the old pocket book, eh? Let’s just say he won’t be taking any of his 27 kids to shopping sprees in the short term.
Being that this case was handled in court, and it comes off as such a minor offense, I would have to assume AP will be eligible to play in Week 11. I know what you’re thinking… “There’s still no way Peterson beats out Asiata, right? The guy has scored more often than Beddict at a Sandals resort Halloween party.” Sorry, Asiata and McKinnon fans, this is Peterson’s show, and when he rides in like a gallant stallion to carry the Vikings to a playoff birth, Coach Zimmer will not stand in his path. Has there ever been a superior roster addition this late in the season in fantasy history? Josh Gordon is already owned everywhere, so the answer, guys and gals, is a resounding no. This is truly incredible, as any fantasy team that was bordering on playoff contention now has a legit shot at the title if they were able to swoop up AP. For my roster, I’m assuming he’s going to be an upgrade over Ben Tate and Chris Ivory… but I’ve been wrong before. Kudos to you if you had the foresight to grab AP a couple weeks back or were gifted him on this week’s waiver wire claims. I see mountainous orgies and many glorious victories in your future. Now, if you weren’t blessed with AP on the wire… may the Elder Gods take mercy on your souls.
I am Tehol Beddict and this is, Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!
Players Who Disgraced
Jerick McKinnon – To say it’s been a soul crushing experience owning McKinnon would be a vast understatement, as I fully expected him to break a couple long TD runs. Viewers may have witnessed him going down at the 2 on Sunday, and if you did, then you saw that he was fairly close to coughing the ball up. It obviously scared the bejeezus out of old man Zimmer, as I don’t believe McKinnon ever touched the ball inside the 20-yard line again. Matt FREAKING Asiata had another 3 touchdown masterpiece, his second of the season no less, and I’m guessing that about 3 percent of the fantasy football world actually started him. It huuuuuuurts. When Peterson makes his triumphant return, owners need to drop McKinnon quicker than Paris Hilton swallows a day after pill after being host to another pig roast.
Ben Tate – Ever been to prison, dropped the soap, and had 6 Neo-Nazi’s pass you around like the village bicycle? Me neither, but I’d imagine it would bequeath the same pleasure that owning Ben Tate does. This cream filled strudel hits the hole limper than Bob Dole, playing his way out of any large contracts he was hoping to receive next offseason. Sh*t, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s out of the league entirely next season. Maybe Tate will be on Dancing with the Stars next season, cuz this pansy tip toes to the hole like a damned ballerina. Drop, NOW!
Chris Ivory – This is getting ridiculous. One week, the Jets are pounding Chris Ivory and having major success doing so. The next, they’re giving up on him early like we’ve all done with Robert Pattinson. It’s ridiculous and unjustified. With Ivory, of course, not Pattinson. That dude’s finished. Ivory had one carry inside the 5, didn’t convert, then was cast out of the gam plane for the remainder of the contest. I heard the announcer say that the inside running game “wasn’t working”, which is kind of hard to say after a handful of carries. At this point, starting Ivory is riskier than taking down an ebola infected Las Vegas call girl. Stay away.
Trent Richardson – This man is technically the starter, correct? I attempted to keep giving T-rich chances, but let’s be honest with ourselves, even Christian Slater looks like a productive member of society in comparison to this colossal bust. Gross. Just gross.
Colin Kaepernick – Anytime you have you an opportunity to give your fantasy owners a 6-point rushing TD, but instead fumble and piss a -2 down their throat like R. Kelly, you’re gonna end up on the disgrace list. If old trouts like Tom Brady and Drew Brees can successfully jump up and extend the ball over the goal line, one would assume Kaepernick, arguably the most athletic QB in football, could do the exact same… You know what they say about assumptions, don’t you? Who cares, WHY IS KAEPERNICK not just doing what every other QB does down there instead of attempting to barrel through an opposition that’s been dominating him all day? Did I mention that the 49ers lost the game due to this incredibly vast ineptitude? Disgrace.
Players Who Delighted
DeAndre Hopkins – Ok, it’s official, ya’ll, Lil’ Dre has officially surpassed Big Dre in real world, and more importantly, the world of fantasy. Lil homey has at least 95 yards in each of his last 3 games, but I suppose the real question going forward is… what shall pass with Ryan Mallett taking over? More bombs? That’s what Beddict is thinking, so kudos to you if you drafted or traded for Hopkins this year.
Julian Edelman – J-Bone just showed the entire nation exactly how much the Patriots miss Wes Welker, dominating the game with 89 yards, a receiving TD, and an 84 yard punt return for a TD. Welker came weaker than Nicolas Cage’s last five films combined (am I beating a dead horse here?). [Jay’s Note: I’ll give you Rage and Left Behind, but Joe was sneaky good, Outcast looks interesting, and Dying of the Light has a great premise, but the director and actors are boycotting the movie because the studio recut the entire film, interfering heavily.] Edelman had a few silent weeks in a row before this explosion, and with the Patriots, you never know the game plan, but I have no problem starting Edelman in your three-hole, especially if you receive return yardage points in your league. The white receiver ain’t dead yet. Rejoice!
Odell Beckham Jr. – If there was ANY bright spot whatsoever in the Giants getting molly-whomped on Monday Night Football, it was the pre-game warmup show put on by my man O-Dog. If you didn’t witness, enjoy the show below. Oh yeah, Beckham also went off during the game, so I suppose that should be mentioned. He’s clearly the number one option going forward for the Giants, and I expect him to go off like Mel Gibson after nine shots of Jack Daniels.
Jeremy Hill – Against Cleveland, the Jaguars reminded the fans of the Steel curtain. Against J-Hill, they reminded us all of that Pamela Anderson tape. No, not Barbed Wire, that one she was almost humped to death by legendary c*cksmith Tommy Lee. I thought of Hill as more of a grinder a guy who wouldn’t be overly effective as the lead back, but I’ve been wrong before guys/gals, and it seems I was this time as well. When Bernard is out, as I believe him to be this week, Hill is an RB1. I expect Cincy to handle Cleveland this week with Hill doing Van Dammage.
Black-ish – This show keeps me rolling and I believe it deserves a shout out for that. Anthony Anderson is one the most underrated actors in our Nation’s extensive history. Malibu’s Most Wanted, anyone? Don’t hate if you can’t relate, for this show is a classic and the only comedy I’ve watched on network TV in years. Give it a watch.
Thursday’s pick is Cincinnati at (-6.5). Make sure to check back in with me on Saturday for, “Betting With Beddict”, where you can compete with me on selecting NFL winners and losers and also talk some more fantasy.
Thank you for joining me for another hot and messy edition of Disgrace/Delight. As per usual I am honored to respond to all of your questions and comments below. If you’re picking up what I’m putting down, feel free to follow me on Twitter at @Tehol143. Have an Elder God blessed weekend.