Last Week: 9-6-1, Season Record: 85-64-2, Lock of the Week: 8-2
Greetings! Another week, another lock nailed by the hammer otherwise known as Tehol Beddict. Below you will find my NFL picks for the week with a few tidbits of fantasy advice mixed in. Take heed, for when have I led you astray?
Lock of the Week: 49ers @ Seahawks (-10) – Anyone who’s witnessed the 49ers ineptitude over the past five weeks or so knows they’re hot garbage and unraveling faster than a ball of yarn in a house kitten hostel. With the way the Seahawks defense has been playing, I don’t see how San Fran even gets on the score board. Expect an extinction level level massacre.
Steelers (-2) @ Falcons – That was undoubtedly an admirable effort by Atlanta in Green Bay last week. Unfortunately, they used up Julio Jones like a Tijuana night walker and Roddy White looked about as hobbled and useless as Harrison Ford in the last Indiana Jones installment (shout out to Shia LaBeouf). Both of these teams have division titles on the line, so it’s not as if Atlanta is going to bend over and get Roethlisbergered. Pittsburgh has been one of the most unreliable teams to bet on in recent history, but they have the superior squad, so they get the call here.
Washington Football Team @ Giants (-7) – Ahhhh, a battle of the Titans; the charming and handsome Eli Manning Vs. the legendarily poised Colt McCoy. Washington is about as horrific as it gets, and the Giants are riding high on their… ONE game winning streak, so I’m feeling quite confident about this one. I’m also gambling on Eli Manning having a throwback performance and leading my Razzball Writers League team to glory. Witness!
Dolphins @ Patriots (-7.5) – Witnessing Ryan Tannehill play quarterback is like picking a random straight-to-Netflix Ray Liotta and Christian Slater flick. I cancelled Netflix. I only wish I could cancel Tannehill. I’d buy the half point here and bet the house if I were you. Absolutely no way Miami keeps this one within a touchdown. I guarantee it.
Raiders (+10) @ Chiefs – Kansas City is 31st in the league in run defense and that’s why I’m calling it right now; Latavius Murray is going for a minimum of 150 total yards. Mark that down in your palm pilots, kids. Alex Smith’s continued ineptitude continues to baffle me but KC should still win this game… just not by 10 points.
Texans @ Colts (-7) – Two MVP candidates going head to head is just enough to drag me away from Tinder for a couple hours, and for that there are no doubt countless women who may never receive the chance to receive one of my famed Christmas stockings to go, filled with Plan-B, rubbing alcohol and some Tough Actin Tinactin. Shout out to Derek Jeter for the parting gift idea. Anyway, with Arian Foster being about as fragile as Tome Sizemore’s psyche, and Andre Johnson possibly missing the game, I full expect Indy to heavily outscore Houston on Sunday.
Jaguars @ Ravens (-14) – Betting against the Jaguars has served me well thus far, and I’m not about to go against the grain when they’re facing one of the best front sevens in all of football. If Jimmy Smith hadn’t left, the Ravens would be a dark horse Super Bowl contender. Alas, their secondary is one of the most pathetic in all of football but fortunately for us, Blake Bortles blows wooly mammoth dong. You’ve got to be realistic about these things.
Packers (-6) @ Bills – Trust me, I’d love for the Bills to pull this one off, opening up the one seed for the more deserving Seahawks. I just don’t foresee it occurring is all. Even if Eddic Lacy misses the game, the Packers have more than enough offensive firepower to win this one by a couple Crosby chip shots.
Buccaneers (+3.5) @Panthers – Other than Christian Slater, there’s not many people on this beautiful earth I have less faith in than Derek Anderson. This is a fabulous money line opportunity as Carolina now knows their season is officially finished without Cam Newton.
Bengals (+1) @ Browns – It’s challenging for me to go against the famed “Johnny Football”, but I believe the Bengals will find a way to squeak this one out and stay relevant for another week. Mike Pettine is a bumbling fool and will no doubt screw this one. Pray to the Elder Gods he doesn’t bench Josh Gordon again for the likes of Taylor Gabriel.
Jets (-3) @ Titans – Yes, you’re reading this correctly; the Jets are favored by 3 on the road and I’m taking them. They’re simply a more talented and superiorly coached football team than the Titans. Decker, Harvin, Ivory, and even Chris Johnson are all worth starting in this one if you need some an upside play. This almost made my lock of the week play until I remembered they’re the New York football Jets.
Broncos (-4.5) @ Chargers – Last Week, Denver and San Diego both let me down worse than the Dumb and Dumber sequel and the sting lingers with me like a bad case of crabs. Keenan Allen gets locked up by any and all above average corners and Antonio Gates needs to retire, so I’ll say Denver wins by at least 7 here.
Vikings @ Lions (-7.5) – Another game I’d either tease down or buy half a point on, as the Lions could be missing both Suh and Ihedigbo. I’m still not concerned as Detroit’s defense shouldn’t allow much of anything from rookie quarterback, Teddy Bridgewater. I know many of you are excited about the Asiata/Tate combo but sadly, it won’t be enough.
Cowboys (+3.5) @ Eagles – Total gut call that “them Boys” come back with a better game plan this time around against Philly. In fact, I’m predicting they win the game. I understand they had their backs blown at home against this same team two weeks ago but stranger things have happened. For example, a former male thong model becoming one of the most famed fantasy sports writers in the world. Witness.
Saints (-3) @ Bears – The Saints are winning the division folks, and it all starts in Chicago, the place smokin Jay Cutler resides. I fully expect the Bears to lay down when it matters most and take the L on Monday Night Football.
Thank you for joining me for another exciting edition of “Betting With Beddict.” It’s been a pleasure, as always. If you feel like competing with my picks, talking fantasy, or just plain harassing me, please do so below in the comment section. May the Elder Gods be with you. Want more Beddict? Follow him on Twitter at @Tehol143