Contrary to most people, Fantasy Football actually reinforces my belief in a higher power. Because in my opinion, the statistical probability that the Bears would be so uniquely irrelevant for such a long amount time is far less likely than a giant vengeful sky man wanting to live with you when you die. And if we are talking in terms of fantasy (something we do from time to time), it doesn’t seem that long ago when Jay Cutler was doing his best impersonation of Jay Cutler, but with a cast of Matt Forte, Martellus Bennett, Brandon Marshall, and Alshon Jeffery. Sure, they were still full of derp, still kinda bordered the line between mediocre and hilarious, but they had an offense. More importantly, they had an offense that you wanted to draft on your team. Now all that’s left is Alshon Jeffery living in Hoyer Country. (If he throws a Hail Mary, what shall they do about their papist neighbors?) So whats wrong with the Bears offense? Is it: A) Hoyer can’t throw the ball, B) Kevin White doesn’t know what a Route Tree is, C) The offensive line can’t block, D) Alshon Jeffery hasn’t cared since they shipped Marshall off to the Jets, or E.) All the above? And sure, lets give some credit to the Cowboys. Ezekiel Elliott had a terrific game on the ground (kudos to Zach for calling it in his Start ‘Em/Sit ‘Em post), and Dak Presscott looks pretty legitimate. I mean, let’s be honest, drafting a good quarterback by accident is just about the most Cowboys thing ever. But while I deal with my own feelings as a Chargers fan (alcohol is involved), I have to wonder why the Bears even exist right now, but then I remember that the Cleveland Browns are still a thing and it all makes sense.

Here’s what else I saw in Sunday’s Week 3 games…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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In what could have been a wonderful work of satire in today’s title, last night’s Sunday excursion into Minnesota’s new football stadium may have upended years of programming in thinking that Sam Bradford (22/31, 286 YDS, 9.2 AVG, 2 TD, 121.2 RTG and 1 CAR, -3 YDS) isn’t quite the second coming of Joe Montana, but moreso a cross between Mr. Glass from Unbreakable and Jimmy Clausen. Yeah, an M. Night Shyamalan reference, deal with it. One game won’t change my expertly crafted comparisons, but after beating a team that has basically controlled the division for the last decade, and doing it mostly without Adrian Peterson who did essentially nothing until finally resigning to get injured and leave the game, should say something. I mean, Matt Asiata got more in his first carry this game than Peterson has ran the entire year… And so when we are in the second week of the season, saying that the Vikings front office was onto something by mortgaging a part of their future in a desperate attempt to replace Teddy Bridgewater may be a step too far as of now (since if you whisper “Sam Bradford” into a mirror three times, one of his ACLs will explode.), it is an encouraging start. And before you think that Bradford may not be the lede you were looking for, I think the meta conversation here is that forming conclusions and finding confirmation bias from two weeks of football is probably not wise. And that’s something that should probably be discussed. It matters in the general football sense if you’re, say, a Seahawks fan, but it also matters in fantasy football if you’re, say,  a Todd Gurley owner. When is the right time to panic? To make a move? We’ve only seen about 12% of the season thus far, and to make a baseball reference, that’s game 20. Making waiver moves, exploring trades, probing at what you can do is always a good thing, but my advice here (since I’ve seen a lot of inquiries on this) is to hold for the moment. Or, at the very least, do not sell yourself short. Just wait a bit longer before chugging down the bourbon and gaslighting yourself… one more week, maybe two, before you make any major decisions, and I promise you’ll have a clearer picture and still have enough time left to do something about it.

Here’s what else I saw during yesterday’s Week 2 Sunday games…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Welcome back everybody to this week’s edition of “Deep Implants”, our recurring series here at Razzball discussing the history of American spies planted overseas during war. This week, we’ll take a look at the exploits of Edward Bancroft, a Massachusetts-born scholar who was a key provider of intelligence from London to Ben Franklin during the Revolutionary War. Before diving into his espionage, let’s start with his studies that showed eels use electricity to capture their prey… *answers call from Jay* I’ve been informed that this is actually another installment of Deep Impact, and also that BANCROFT WAS A DOUBLE AGENT THE WHOLE TIME! NO, BEN FRANKLIN, STOP GIVING THIS MAN INFORMATION!!! As a refresher for those of you who missed the first regular season piece in this series, this is for fantasy football players who like to hang out in the deep end. Metaphorically speaking, of course; I don’t go into the actual deep end as I’m not a strong swimmer and the kids are really judgmental these days. Floaties are for adults too, dammit!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Granted, there isn’t a rich history to draw from in terms of “quality football” on Thursdays, but you have to think that this being an actual Sunday Night production, coupled with the fact that we actually haven’t had a real game in what feels like decades, I’m pretty sure I would have been enamored if it was the Vikings playing against the Titans (which we’ll actually receive this Sunday! Wooo?). That being said, the game was actually pretty good on the scale of Graham Gano to those muscles in your arm that benefit the most if you’re throwing a penalty flag. (I mean, there were so many flags this game, it felt more like a United Nations summit, amirite?) Both teams looked sluggish throughout though, which was probably to be expected in the first game of the season. The Broncos and Panthers burned a lot of timeouts too, each for their own derpy reasons. For Denver, they seemingly forgot to count and had multiple downs where 12 men were on the field. For Carolina, five total timeouts from both halves were wasted because of terrible clock management by Newton (though I’m pretty sure Jerry Richardson was only upset with three-fifths of them). In fact, Andy Reid probably uploaded all these timeouts to his PornHUB account. That being said, I have to add that I found myself pretty frustrated with the continued non-calls on what were some brutal hits to Cam Newton. There were at least three blatant roughing the passer calls that were missed (or ignored?), and the last hit, late in the fourth quarter that actually drew a flag (you can see it after the jump), which was a helmet spear of all things, was offset by an intentional grounding. Oh, okay then, that makes sense. But the game was close throughout and quite entertaining, and due to the fact that Trevor Siemian flirted between the lines of profoundly mediocre and downright awful, the Panthers had a chance with seven seconds to win the game with a 44-yard field goal attempt in altitude… so yeah, we know how that turned out. Congrats to your 0-1 undefeated Panthers! Wait a second…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s malamoney’s fantasy football rankings. The best thing about rankings and projections is that no one ever calls you out for having absolutely sh!tty projections. It’s not until months later when the season is over that projections can really be evaluated for efficiency, and by that time who really give a flying [fill in the blank]. Not to mention, who’s actually going to take the time to do so.

Here is my process for generating projections. Step one. Develop a random number generator. Step two. Generate hundreds of random numbers. Step three. Publish projections. Okay, so that’s not exactly how I get from point A to point B. Truth be told, I wouldn’t be surprised if there were some sources out there that did.

First I calculate my own set of player projections. Next I download between five and ten other sets of projections. Finally I take all of the projections, including my own, and run them through a program I’ve written that averages all of the projections together. I considered dropping the high and the low scores, but that just seemed a little counterintuitive. Besides, it’s not like I’m judging figure skating over here. The biggest pain in the ass is dealing with all the various spellings of the same name. Odell Beckham Jr. versus just Odell Beckham. Steve Smith Sr. versus just Steve Smith. T.Y. Hilton (with the dots) versus Ty Hilton. And how about Le’Veon Bell (with the apostrophe) versus LeVeon Bell. When the dust finally settles and I’ve lined up all the edges, I have my projections.

If you are interested in my positional rankings based on projected points, please take a look at my last post, The Adventure of Bidding. If you are just too damn lazy to click a link, I will summarize…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Good news folks, Razzball has renewed my contract for a third season! While I’d love to say that I am to Razzball what Game of Thrones is to HBO, or The Walking Dead is to AMC, it simply would not be true. I’m more like Silicon Valley and Better Call Saul. But hey, that’s something right? Speaking of The Walking Dead, is it too early to start the “who does Negan kill” conversation? Just let it be Glen and let’s be done with it. Ok, back to me. As excited as I’m sure you all are to the prospect of me spending another year spewing nonsense intermingled with football advice, I’m twice as excited to be back. However, I’d like to make a minor request. Good or bad, I’d appreciate you leaving me a comment after reading my posts. If after reading something I’ve written you instantly wish you had the previous six minutes back, then please say so. If taking a dump is more enjoyable than listening to my advice, then tell me about your dump. Got it? Good.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Welcome to one of our last strategy sessions of the preseason (I think it’s our last. Besides comparing our rankings with those of ESPN, Yahoo, and CBS… which isn’t really strategy as it is, “haha, look how funny they are at ranking things type of post”). This is probably the biggest draft week (and weekend) in Fantasy Football, and I’m sure there are plenty out there who either play in formats that either start two quarterbacks, or change their touchdown point value from four to six. And in that regard, I bring you a post that should kill two birds with one stone, because ef birds, but also look guys at my profound ability to both have amazing geometric awareness and mind-bending arm dexterity to actually kill a living animal that can fly by bouncing a stone off of both of them!

Want to take on Razzball writers and contributors in the great game of Fantasy Football? For Prizes? OH MY GOD YES. Where do you sign up? Great question! (Even though you didn’t technically ask. I mean, you might have, but I couldn’t hear you…) You can join here!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Actually, a few have already happened (and we’ll talk about them a bit after the jump), but, just like the title alludes to, the table is set, the forks and spoons are in their right place, and hopefully there’s food ready and on the way. In terms of the RCL universe (since I’m hungry and if there are any more food metaphors, I’ll eventually end up eating my monitor), the “league” has taken shape and drafts are about to begin. (But that doesn’t mean you still can’t create and join your choice of RCLs!) And, I want to touch on this: when I say “league”, I mean league, not leagues. Because ef pluralization… I mean, what has it ever done for me? Regardless, you have to remember, this is one complete universal league. The Milky Way of Fantasy Football if you will, including Antonio Brown, Saturn, and of course, Uranus. Don’t roll your eyes, you knew it was coming. Regardless, what I’m trying to say is, join any league you like, create as many as you want, and be part… of the universe. Mutha. Effing. Deep.

Now, as promised last paragraph (remember the good old days?), there actually have already been some drafts that have taken place (including a league hosted by yours truly, Lord Tehol, and our very own Stan Son!) and we’ll take a look at some of what happened in these three leagues to give everyone a general idea of what a terrible idea it is to draft early. I swear, half my team will be injured by the end of the preseason…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Tehol’s Rankings: Top-200 (Standard)| Top-200 (Half-PPR) | Top-200 (PPR) | QB | RB (Standard) | RB (Half-PPR) | RB (PPR) | WR (Standard) | WR (Half-PPR) | WR (PPR) | TE (Standard) | TE (Half-PPR) | TE (PPR) | K | DST | Top-50 Rookies

Greetings! Football season is upon us, my goodmen! And in the year of your Lord Beddict 2016, dual threat quarterbacks have never been more flamboyantly hot. Russell Wilson, who by the way, just discharged a quart and a half of man juice into Ciara on the night of their wedding nuptials, has a legit shot at being the number one fantasy QB in football this season. With Beast Mode moving on to smoking greener pastures in Oaktown, my Seahawks’ passing game should deliver more scores than the Kardashian Clan at a BLM afterparty. With the continued development of young legend Tyler Lockett, the outside speed of former second rounder Paul Richardson, and the return of touchdown machine Jimmy Graham, the Hawks could conceivably have the most explosive offensive in the NFL. Did I mention Seattle drafted C.J. Prosise, a former wide receiver, to be their third down back, opening up more opportunities for big plays? Also, I’d be doing you no favors if I didn’t bring up the fact that Wilson only had one rushing touchdown last season, even though he ran for 533 yards, and that number is sure to rise like a puff pastry when the yeast and sugar interact. Yes, my goodmen, expect another year of Seahawks dominance. What a time to be alive!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

2016 Rankings: Top-200 (Standard) | Top-200 (Half-PPR) | Top-200 (PPR) | QBRB (Standard) | RB (Half-PPR)RB (PPR) | WR (Standard) | WR (Half-PPR)WR (PPR) | TE (Standard) | TE (Half-PPR)TE (PPR) | K | DST

Dynasty Rankings: Top-150 | QB | RB | WR | TE | Top-50 Rookies

Year Accuracy Rank High Low Percentile
2015 57.5% 22 out of 123 59.9% 51.6% Top 20%
2014 58.1% 31 out of 125 60.7% 50.6% Top 25%

Welcome to the first installation of what is to be our 2016 Fantasy Football Rankings! It’s such a big deal, we have to capitalize the whole shebang. Just like your mother. Because, you know, shebangs. Regardless, as you can see right above my lovely remarks about your mother, we’ve had some pretty good success with our “ranking accuracy” the past couple of years. To be totally honest, the past two years, Razzball’s priority with rankings has been consistency, not necessarily a high-risk/high-reward strategy. And I think it shows and I think it’s the better path. Don’t worry, I’m patting myself on the back as I’m typing this, which you might thing is hard, but I’m pretty sure elbows weren’t really created for any other reason than to do this one thing. Any ways, now that the self-aggrandizing part is completed, I have to state, the quarterback position has gotten increasingly… meh. You have basically a mish-mash of top-5 or top-6 guys that you’d all be happy having, and then a whole bunch of interchangeable pieces until you get around to the point where it doesn’t matter anymore. I call that the Andy Dalton zone, or what is essentially the “gingerzone”. Which, come to think of it, would probably be a great 80’s hairband name. Regardless, here are your 2016 Quarterback Rankings, with the added bonus of Mark Sanchez. You know you want some of that nacho…

Please, blog, may I have some more?