What if we just combined the two best apps in the world and made a Fantasy Tinder app, where I swipe left to get rid of a sucky player, then I swipe right for someone amazing (cough… Jonas Grey… cough), and Tinder does some magical thing where it aligns exactly who needs to be in my life with which players I liked. [Jay’s Note: So, I guess I know who Cam Newton will be matched up with then…] The Finder app (see what I did there?) would help fill up your empty fantasy tank with players from the waiver, and my team could survive.

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Well, that was certainly a Sunday worth remembering. Especially if you’re like me and reset the ole’ memory banks with copious amounts of bourbon throughout the day. You could say these Sunday notes aren’t just for you, but also myself… So here we are, together in this. And together, we saw some interesting things… the Bucs, the 1-8 Bucs (in case you were confused) destroyed Washington. For context, the Falcons destroyed the Bucs. And the Panthers almost beat the Falcons. So according to that, the Panthers would probably beat Washington by 200 points. In fact, with the Raiders only mustering 200 yards of total offense, I’m pretty sure if they faced off against Washington, both teams would find a way to lose. And let’s not forget the Lions having a throwback game to the Matt Millen Era. Peyton Manning thinking it’s the month of January (to be fair, the weather has me convinced of this.) Mark Sanchez returning to form. And then there’s this… the Cardinals are now 9-1. They are now three games ahead of Seattle and San Francisco, and one has to naturally wonder, how is this possible? My answer? Two quick touchdowns and leaning on your defense for three hours… this has been done before many times. So I’m just going to go ahead and write the Cardinals in as a playoff team. In permanent marker. And then prepare myself for the end of the world.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Week 10: 8-5, Overall: 63-53-1, Locks: 6-1

Greetings! What up doe!? It is I, Beddict, returning to your warm embrace after another successful lock of the week call. Imagine how much dough I’d have if I bet my entire Razzball salary on each of my locks and kept letting it ride! Enough money to get my mom out the hood, with enough left over for a state of the art, chicken coop, for my loving Beatrice. This week, I’m going all in. Join me or sit back from afar, either laughing at my demise or throwing rose petals on the ground, I walk as the Elder God blessed grand champion of gambling ATS. Have you witnessed the ESPN dude’s record this year, or last year for that matter? Yeeesh! I’m already 0-1 this week after foolishly putting my faith in the Bills, but let’s not dwell on the past by talking about how disgraceful the Bills offense was, or even how Ryan Tannehill ended my fantasy life by missing Mike Wallace on two HUGE plays. Seriously, Tannehill is gutter trash when it comes to throwing the football deep. It sickens me to levels beyond human comprehension… but as I said, let’s not dwell on the past…WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!!?!? F*CKING WHY!?!?!?!?!?

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This week’s waiver wire column is going to explore the returning player. The focus is on the players who are coming back off lengthy layoffs after injuries. Of course, we’ll still try to catch lightning in a bottle too and help your team that way. That said, let’s dive in.

First, let’s talk about Adrian Peterson. He’s not coming back from an injury, but from a suspension… or so we hope. There is going to be some legal wrangling this week over whether or not Peterson can come back to play this season or not, so it will need time to play out. Hopefully a decision gets made this week to give us some clarity. Even if he’s not 100% ready to go, you need to stash him on your roster. If nothing else, ensure that other owners don’t get their hands on him. With his talents and a plush schedule, Peterson could be the ultimate shot-in-the-arm add to any fantasy team. If he doesn’t pan out, you can toss him back and try again. If it does, you have fantasy gold. The thing to keep in mind is there is some internal strife within the Vikings front office about whether or not to bring him back. Minnesota is 4-5 and three games behind 7-2 Detroit for the top spot in the NFC North. Sure, there are other factors at play, but it is worth giving consideration to adding AP. I’ve been picking him up much as in the same way it’s time to get another guy in the same boat.

That other guy is Cleveland wide receiver Josh Gordon. It’s worth checking the wire to see if the dynamic wide receiver is there. He would make awesome trade bait if you can pick him up. Things set up nicely for Gordon with his schedule (HOU, ATL, BUF, IND, CIN, CAR, BAL) and that matchup against Carolina on championship week is inviting. We saw Mark Sanchez abuse the Carolina defense last night and Gordon could go nuts.

Realistically, it would be difficult to see either of them being available on the waiver wire but we mention them anyways. Take a second and scan anyways. Let’s go to reality now.

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So after a Sunday night game that saw the quick dismantling of a fading dumpster fire of a team, we were able to see the exact same thing for Monday Night Football. How charming! It’s times like this when you really wonder if your investments into the local liquor stores are paying off like they should. There was certainly plenty of derp that became easily accessible from Matt Sanchez starting, but despite throwing what should have been an interception early in the game, he was able to do some interesting things with Carolina’s gift-giving. Speaking of which, there’s gift-giving, and then there’s “Here, have my house and everything that’s in it”. Hint, the Panthers did the latter. With a chance to move back into first place in the profoundly terrible NFC South, the Panthers instead allowed Darren Sproles to do whatever tiny things he does. And while the Eagles and Cowboys seemed to be playoff bound, the entire NFC South probably needs a flotation device to keep from drowning. For context, the 1-8 Buccaneers could win three straight and theoretically, based on what the division did, be a lock for the playoffs. That’s some scary sh*t right there.

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When a starting quarterback goes down for a team, it’s usually catastrophic.  Sure, you’ll have your Kurt Warner/Trent Green and Tom Brady/Drew Bledsoe stories, but more often than naught, it means a big blow to the team.  That’s not the case for the Philadelphia Eagles.  Sure, no one wants to see anyone get hurt, but this is fantasy, baby.  It happens, and you look for the new shiny toy to come in and lead you on a run to the championship.

This week, that new toy is Mark Sanchez.  Yes, that Mark Sanchez.  The butt-fumbling, hot dog eating, former quarterback of the New York Jets.  With a fractured collarbone, Eagles’ quarterback Nick Foles is expected to miss quite a bit of time.  For fantasy and real life purposes, that’s perfectly fine.

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After a knock down, drag out battle with the ‘hawks, everyone thought ‘hey, Cam Newton at home against New Orleans, a team with a weak secondary? He should destroy’um!’ In the famous last words to twitter…WELP. Yeah, there have been very few ‘wow’ type plays from Cam over the last couple of weeks. You could say he’s gone from ‘Cam wow’ to ‘sham wow’ but that would be such a blatant abuse of the pun world just to sneak in a Vince remix, I’d like to think I’m above that. What? Who put that link there! I’m appalled! But since it’s there already there…I mean, why remove it now, you know? In reality, nothing new has happened for Cam to make me excited about him this week vs what he dealt with last week. He’s still getting a great set up for a potential big game against an Eagles secondary that ranks near the bottom in most fantasy categories for points against when it comes to opposing QBs. Well, I would say the main difference is that it’s not on Thursday Night…yeah, I am one of those guys who still thinks TNF sometimes gives us more WTF than the regular Sunday/Monday tilt. It changes the dynamics of prep, of healing, of approach in general. Some teams are good at it, some ain’t. We’ll put Cam and company under the ‘can’t’ for this argument. After the week and a half off leading up to this Sunday, I think Newton and crew come out swinging. The best part is, the Panthers defense is still a mess so the game should stay competitive and give Cam a shot at that elusive 300/100 double bonus dip we all want and love. Of course, if he can just pass for 300 and rush for 50 and add 3 TDs in there, we’ll all be happy, right? Right. So now that we’ve got that opening settled let’s start working towards a closing. Here’s my hot takes for the week 10 DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 10 team league of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It lets us know that you care!

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Let us pray.

The wait is finally over folks. Despite a shaky start by our lord and savior, Breesus Christ, the true nature of the Carolina Panthers took over the game and made sure that the Saints broke out of their four-game road losing streak, and they now have a strangle hold over the NFC South. With a 4-4 record. Sigh. Mark Ingram put in another solid night, rubbing it in for all of us who drafted him two years ago. Thanks man. Speaking of thanks, Cam Newton did a well enough job, but that’s with the context of being pretty terrible, so yeah. He did a great job of being terrible. True, he was under duress for most of the night, getting sacked four times, which forced two fumbles. And yes, the Carolina offensive line is just really offensive without three of it’s regular starters. Not to mention the receivers had their fair share of drops. But hey, always look on the bright side. It could be worse, ya know? You could be the Tampa Bay Buccaneers…

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After this week in the NFL, I feel like I might need to shed my old-school thinking that a quarterback is not worthy of a first-round draft pick in my fantasy football league. I always refuse to spend my first two picks on anything besides a running back or wide receiver (yes, I have never drafted Peyton.), but I always feel like I get a decent QB (usually Cam Newton and, you know, Cam Newton…) This week, I might adjust my mindset, especially after Newton’s week. Next year, you will see me spending my first round pick for Andrew Luck over LeSean McCoy every single time.

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If you know anything about me, or at least have read more than a few articles, you’ll know that I have a few movies in my referential lexicon that I lean on heavily. Number will will probably always be Anchorman. I mean, seriously, within 17 weeks of fantasy football, San Diego gets referenced at least 17 times. How could you NOT go with the German definition when presented the opportunity? Rhetorical. Sixty percent of the time you do it…every time. So let that bring us to the present where I am yet again quoting a movie but this one might be before your time. I don’t know how young you are. Based on some of your texting-based understanding of the human language, I’m guessing at least 30% of you are of the ‘Y’ generation. Don’t worry, I can still understand what you’re saying even if you don’t use punctuation and end sentences with ‘LOL’ and don’t worry part two, I ain’t mad atcha nor am I picking on you. If there were ever a request for Samuel Johnson truncated, you’d have nailed it. Thankfully, my movie reference isn’t THAT old. Nah, I’m just looking back at The Neverending Story. I don’t know if it’s on Netflix. Damn, now that I say that I HOPE it’s on Netflix. FALCOR! But more to the point, Marshawn Lynch was one of the bigger disappointments for DK players last week but I’m here to tell you, dammit it wasn’t his fault! He had a TD called back and for what it’s worth, the Rams played a very good game, which limited his grind down yardage as he finished with a miserable 2.9 ypc and ended with a defeating 9.1 DK points on the day. Not quite what people signed up for when paying $7,100. Oddly, his price point hasn’t changed this week. Given he’s facing the Panthers – a team that is giving up 5,29 ypc to opposing runners – staying the course with Marshawn makes a lot of sense. Marshawn should be a good get for both cash and GPP given his price and him coming off a frustrating week 7. But that’s so last week, let’s talk about this week. Here are my hot takes for this week’s DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 10 team league of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It lets us know that you care!

Please, blog, may I have some more?