Greetings! Forgive me I’m not up to date on current sporting events, for Twitter, whom I fully depend on for all news and information, locked my account for a solid 24 hours! Any Quarterbacks get hurt? Did the Bills announce a starter? My life is meaningless without Twitter and the Elder Gods are known to punish me from time to time, usually when I’m riding high, basking in the glory of some incredible accomplishment, like the time I demoralized the Hilton sisters in a game of naked Twister. By demoralized, I mean that I gave both of them the profound type of hickory sticking that would make even the great Ray-J smile upon me like a proud father. Matter of fact, he was there filming it. Sorry, I’m rambling again, reminiscing about the heroic years that were my youth. But seriously, I haven’t been without Twitter for this long since the last time Sky locked me in his basement. Yes, Sky, I know: It puts the lotion on the skin!

Let’s talk quarterbacks, shall we? I am Tehol Beddict, and this is, Disgrace/Delight! Take heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! Serious question: Do any of you fine people have any recommendations for surgeons that treat third degree burns? I only ask for the fact that I’ve been absolutely ON FIRE as of late. Tis true, I’ve completed two fantasy drafts thus far, laying wood to the opposition like a meth’d out beaver. Unfortunately, I had to witness two people draft Jordy Nelson, AFTER the news came out that he tore his ACL. SMFH. Guy, guys, guys (and girls), Big Daddy Beddict expects more out of you, for I want you to experience the sweet taste of winning a multitude of fantasy football championships. Working under such boss hogs like Grey Albright and Jay Long has allowed me to suck on the teat of greatness for a few years now, and the milk from those glorious men now runs through my veins, flowing like the Nile river, which leaves me with a quarter chub at all time. Say one thing for Tehol Beddict, he’s confident walking around ass naked in the mens locker room. And it’s all because of my aforementioned heroes! I’m thinking I took one too many benzos for my neck pain, for I’m having a hard time keeping my eyes open. Better get right to it!

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight! Take heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! Many of you were no doubt overwrought about my possible whereabouts this past week. Yes, slaying Kings in Canada can be quite dangerous, especially when considering the monstrous killer whales, man-flesh desiring grizzly bears, seals that will bite your dong off when you’re urinating off the bow of the boat, bald eagles that would like nothing more than to peck out your eyeballs, and last but not least, Molson Ice!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! Did you all enjoy that exhilarating Hall of Fame game as much as I did? Landry Jones looks about as valuable as Kim Kardashian before she so eloquently played the meat flute on camera. Seriously, preseason football is harder to watch than that Hulk Hogan sex tape, you know the one where he simultaneously drilled his best friend’s ex-wife AND managed to slip the “N” word out multiple times? Okay, enough about sex tapes. You’re not here to listen to me bash celebrities (or are you?). You’re here to get Beddict’s take on the TE position, a position that I must admit, I’m a little down on this season. Jimmy Graham has been traded away from a high-flying passing attack to a ground-and-pound system that is bound to disappoint. I’d say it’s akin to the falloff from season one of True Detective to season two.

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! It’s not often that I deliver a double dose of Beddict, but when Jay calls for me, I come flying like an arrow shot by Robin Hood himself! Bullseye Muthaf*cka! By the way, I meant the Kevin Costner Robin Hood, not that flagrantly foul Russell Crowe garbage. Talk about disappointments! I was ridiculously jacked for that flick, but ended up staying up nights, sweating my nuts off, wondering what went wrong. Probably very much like what every night of Adrian Brody’s life has been like since he won an Oscar.

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight! Take heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings!!! Your boy, Beddict the Elder God chosen, has finally been given the blessed opportunity to compete with this great nation’s finest in putting out Fantasy Football Rankings. What difference does it make if 46 people had to quit for the legendary Jay to reach deeeeeeep into his bench to elevate me to this position of power? Did Doug Williams screw the pooch, or did he lead his team to glory in a time of need? Did Tom Brady shizz the bed, or did he become arguably the greatest quarterback of all time and marry arguably the world’s hottest woman? Yep, the Elders say I’m next to blow (blow up, not blow dong), and I for one trust in their judgement.

NFL training camps have started up, and I couldn’t be more excited if I was a middle-aged woman clawing my way to the front row of the latest Magic Mike flick, with the possibility of full frontal scene from Channing Tatum. Hey, the guy can move, ya’ll. With that being said, it’s time to dive in to my first set of rankings, showcasing the most exciting and probably most important position group… Kickers. Aaaaahkaaaay, that may not be true, but I’m still going to ask that you read. NFL offenses are on full tilt these days, spreading the field and chucking the rock, giving kickers more scoring opportunities than ever before, making what kicker you actually end up with even less important… Did I just contradict myself? Probably not the first time, but say one thing for Tehol Beddict, he admits his faults.

I am Tehol Beddict, and this is Disgrace/Delight! Take heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Last Week: 9-5-2, Season Record: 94-69-4 

Greetings! I come to you humbled and begging your forgiveness after my lock of the week pushed this past week, as the Seahawks failed to put their foot on the neck of the Whiners for reasons I’m still struggling to figure out. Myself and the Hawks will make up for it this week, and that’s a guarantee straight from the horses mouth… I’ve been compared to a horse for reasons I’ll leave up to your imagination, and I’m not talking Mr. Ed. Wiiiiiiiilllbuuuuuuur. Put on your big boy/girl thong and let’s get this mula!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Beddict: Sons of Razzball, I am Tehol Beddict.

Razzball Reader: But Tehol Beddict is seven feet tall!

Beddict: Yes, I’ve heard. He has an ass like Hercules, kills men and women in fantasy football by the hundreds, and if he were here, he’d consume our opponents with fireballs from his eyes and bolts of lightning from his arse. I AM TEHOL BEDDICT. And I see a whole army of my readers, here in defiance of coming out a loser this week. You have come to play with these Elder God blessed athletes, and ye are blessed in the same fashion. What will you do with your chosen soldiers? Will you fight?

VETERAN Razzballer: Fight? Against that? No, we will run, and we will start preparing for our fantasy baseball dynasty leagues.

Beddict: Aye, fight and you may lose in embarrassing fashion. Run and you’ll at least have made it the finals and kept some minimal amount self respect– at least for a while. And dying in your beds many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance to come back here and tell your opponents that they may have boned your wife/husband before you married them, but they’ll never take your FANTASY TITLE?!

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight. Take Heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Has any one set your gaze upon the mystifyingly glorious Great Pyramid of Giza? Perhaps you’ve often thought about, as I have, about dedicating your lives to attempt to discover the whereabouts of the remnants of the Ancient Gardens of Babylon? Indeed, we’ve all fantasized about having a magnificent statue erected of ourselves, such as the statue of Zeus at Olympia, where we shall ever be remembered for our celebrated conquests and remarkable achievements. Truly you, like me, Tehol Beddict, have ever fantasized about bending over some fair maiden in the Lighthouse of Alexandria, all the while marveling at the thunderous waves crash far below. If what I say is true, and you know it is, then you’ve more than likely often dreamt about the power and the glory that is none other than Julio Jones.

Please, blog, may I have some more?