Tehol’s Rankings: Top-200 (Standard)| Top-200 (Half-PPR) | Top-200 (PPR) | QB | RB (Standard) | RB (Half-PPR) | RB (PPR) | WR (Standard) | WR (Half-PPR) | WR (PPR) | TE (Standard) | TE (Half-PPR) | TE (PPR) | K | DST | Top-50 Rookies

Greetings! Football season is upon us, my goodmen! And in the year of your Lord Beddict 2016, dual threat quarterbacks have never been more flamboyantly hot. Russell Wilson, who by the way, just discharged a quart and a half of man juice into Ciara on the night of their wedding nuptials, has a legit shot at being the number one fantasy QB in football this season. With Beast Mode moving on to smoking greener pastures in Oaktown, my Seahawks’ passing game should deliver more scores than the Kardashian Clan at a BLM afterparty. With the continued development of young legend Tyler Lockett, the outside speed of former second rounder Paul Richardson, and the return of touchdown machine Jimmy Graham, the Hawks could conceivably have the most explosive offensive in the NFL. Did I mention Seattle drafted C.J. Prosise, a former wide receiver, to be their third down back, opening up more opportunities for big plays? Also, I’d be doing you no favors if I didn’t bring up the fact that Wilson only had one rushing touchdown last season, even though he ran for 533 yards, and that number is sure to rise like a puff pastry when the yeast and sugar interact. Yes, my goodmen, expect another year of Seahawks dominance. What a time to be alive!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! How are things? Terrible? Alllllll-Riiiiiiighty then! I had a dental appointment at 6:00 AM (more on this later), this Monday morning, so please, I beg of you, do not hold me accountable for anything inappropriate or offensive I may write in this post. I wonder, did Donald Trump give that warning before advocating a removal of all Mexican and Muslim people in the United States?… YEESH! I already own a pretty annoyingly flashy car. I GUARANTEE you that if I put a Trump sticker on that bitch, I’d get a shattered window within 24 hours. Should we test it out? I’d rather not, but I heard Jay, the greatest editor/writer in the history of sports writing, is heavily involved in Dump’s campaign, so maybe he’ll test this theory for us.

Anyway, I bet not one of you have had to get a gap filled in where you chipped a tooth when a significant other went super freak and put a dildo in your mouth… I mean, I’m always down for experimenting, and who really knows what I’ve done during my countless Molly sessions, but blow isn’t mind altering enough to get me to inhale a fake D… I’m embarrassed. I’m humiliated. I’m exhausted. Let’s talk football before these pain killers knock me out for the count.

I am Tehol Beddict and this is, Getting Wired with the Elders! Take heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! It’s been so long since we’ve been with one another, here on the only fantasy site that truly unites people like only a game of leap frog played by naked men could do. If we’re being honest here, my life has been empty and inconsequential without you. First, it was a much needed vacation after leaving a mental health facility. Then it was a new job accompanied by the sort of sickness I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy (except Ralph). There’s only so many weeks in the fantasy football season, and with each post missed, it feels as if a piece of my soul has been torn out and stomped on by Rosie O’Donnell and Roseanne right after they hit the “All you can eat Shrimpfest” at Red Lobster. Even now, as I write this, tears are flowing down my cheekbones like urine down the face of one of R. Kelly’s 14-year-old girlfriends. I need you! If only the Elders would bless me with the attributes one needs to become a successful writer so that I could quit the ridiculously lame job I started that has ruined whatever life I had left. But you’ve got to be realistic about these things…

I am Tehol Beddict and this is, Through the Wire… That doesn’t sound right, does it? I miss Disgrace/Delight. Oh well, TAKE HEED!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! Your favorite fantasy writer’s favorite fantasy writer (shout out to Apache Kid) is officially back from the islands and fully prepared to drop Elder God-knowledge on the chosen few of you who consistently read my posts. I’d like to begin (I guess this isn’t technically the beginning), by apologizing for my single, brief post from last week. Right as I was beginning to outline my usual Saturday post, I received a carrier pigeon from Jay the Elder, demanding that I enjoy my vacation and not submit my Start/Sit column. I’m assuming it had to do with the gutter trash I turned in on Tuesday, but still, I’m grateful nonetheless. Oh, how I’ve missed this though! I will never schedule another vay-cay during football season ever again. Not to mention, you feel like a piece of rhino dung for sitting inside watching football when you’re in Maui, but I just can’t help myself. I love this game, my goodmen, and I let you down. NEVER AGAIN!

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight! Take heed!

Join Jay and your fellow readers in a special Razzball-only Contest! Buy-in is just $5.00 and the top-12 finishers in a 55-team league are all part of the prize pool! Sign up here!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! As many of you know, Beddict is vacationing in the Hawaiian islands, lubing up in tropical oils and scrolling the beaches for anything that breathes to take home and harpoon. So far, so good, as single women flock here in packs like beluga whale pods, just hoping for the chance of a romantic fling. I can’t give them romance, but I can definitely give them the lance. But I’m not here to describe my numerous sexscapades in graphic detail. I’m here to give you an early glimpse at my Week 9 Fantasy Football Rankings. This will officially be my briefest post of all time and I’m not proud of that whatsoever, but my master, Jay, has allowed me to fully enjoy my vacation. Say one thing Jay Long, he’s a compassionate man. I’m forever in his debt as well as yours, for allowing this ridiculously short post, but as my Twitter friend, Dave Lackford, said, “Nobody’s going to read it anyway.”Guess I’ve got to be realistic about these things.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! Today, I write to you from the uncomfortable seat of an Alaskan Airlines coach seat. That’s right, I’m headed to Maui, where I hope to relax, get a savage tan, and bust more nuts than Alvin and the Chipmunks at Thanksgiving. [Jay’s Note: I hope you’re staying in Kihei. Like a second home for me…] If you happen to follow me on Twitter, I’ll be posting daily pictures and trust me, you’re going to want to see this… Actually, you might hate me if you don’t already, but when you’re a professional fantasy football writer/thong model, you get to experience some pretty cool things. I just pray Ralph Lifshitz’s wife is able to meet me as planned, as it’s where we first met and created Ralph’s first child. Who am I kidding, she wouldn’t miss it for the world. You’ve got to be realistic about these things.

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Start ‘Em and Sit ‘Em! Take Heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! I’d like to start by informing you that my doctor prescribed me Wellbutrin, which is a mild anti-depressant, but can also help with A.D.D. (which I have in the worst way). I don’t believe in taking adderall, as it’s just another form of meth, and your boy is stimulant free (other than herbal viagra). I’ve only been taking it for two weeks thus far, but it’s totally changed my life and in multiple ways at that. Not only am I more focused than ever, as I wrote this post in record time (yes, I wrote this part last), but I’ve reached the type of mental zone that I’ve only once witnessed before, and that was Bradley Cooper in Limitless. Not only do these magic blue pills make me feel better about leaving the world of modeling to become a fantasy sports writer, but I’m not busting nuts like the Steamboat Geyser. I kid you not, this shizz is incredible!  I can’t lie to ya, I’m feelin myself like Mac Dre right now, and I pray to the Elders I never lose this feeling, for I fully believe, at this moment, that I can take on the entire world and become the most famous fantasy sports writer that ever lived… Until I crash anyway, then I’ll be back in the gutter, begging sloppy drunk chicks to take me home for a hot bath and a TV dinner. I’ll let you be the judge, but, uhhhh, watch the video after the jump to see how I feel right now.

I am Tehol Beddict and this Start ‘Em, Sit ‘Em! TAKE HEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My rankings have been updated and can be found here.

Join Jay and your fellow readers in a special Razzball-only Contest! Buy-in is just $5.00 and the top-12 finishers in a 55-team league are all part of the prize pool! Sign up here!

Want to win a Razzball T-Shirt? Try out our new Fantasy Football Team Name Generator and post your favorite below in the comment section. We’ll select a random winner next Thursday!

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Greetings! There ain’t no rest for the wicked, so I must push forward even while desiring nothing more than a hot bubble bath and a 500th viewing of the Paris Hilton sex tape. It’s a been a long day, a long week for that matter, as the Seattle Seahawks crumbled in the fourth quarter like Nicolas Cage the last time he auditioned in front of Scorsese. Now they travel to face their former archrival, the San Francisco 49ers, and the Elder Gods have been sending me signs all week that the final result will send me into the sort of life-altering tailspin that I read about in James Frey’s biography, A Million Little Pieces. You know, the one that turned out to be completely made up after he melted the hearts of Americans everywhere, letting us know that however screwed up we were, that we could overcome any obstacles in our path? Oh powerful Elders, I ask you here and now to bless me with a team I can get behind. Something to believe in to carry me through the unbearable tortures that life bestows upon us! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight! Take heed!

Join Jay and your fellow readers in a special Razzball-only Contest! Buy-in is just $5.00 and the top-12 finishers in a 55-team league are all part of the prize pool! Sign up here!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! What an exceptional birthday week I just received! I’d like to start by thanking the Elder Gods with continuing to bless me with great health (physically, anyways), and I’d like to thank the big boss Jay(Wrong), for giving me a day off to fully soak in the reality that I am no longer flexible enough to shave my own ass. Yoga it is! What a wonderful place to meet open-minded women! Anyways, I’m a year older, a year wiser, and a WHOLE LOT better at projecting NFL players’s production… hopefully… maybe… okay, so probably not, but I can still have an awesome time trying! Big daddy needs to hit the gym, so let’s get to players I like and dislike this week, aaaaahkay?

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Start Em’, Sit Em’! Take heed!

Join Jay and your fellow Razzball readers in a special Razzball only Contest! Buy-in is just $5.00 and the top-12 finishers in a 55-team league are all part of the prize pool! Sign up here!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! What a splendid treat it is to fill in for my esteemed editor and boss, Jay (Wrong) the Elder blessed! Let us pray that he’s not too hung over to properly edit the gibberish I tend to submit. [Jay’s Note: Let us pray indeed…] Let us ALSO pray that sweet Jay blacked out well before that Chargers game ended, for, as you know, Jay is a die-hard Chargers fan, an animal rights activist, and, did I mention, it was his birthday? It huuuuuuuuurts! Who would have thought that after a good hour or so of Steelers fans calling for Landry Jones on Twitter, that Ron Mexico would rise like the Phoenix and proverbially neuter whatever fans the Chargers have left. At least San Diego-ens will still have some super solid Mexican food  and whatever is left of the upcoming fire-sale of the Padres roster to look forward to when they move the Chargers to Los Angeles. It’s important to always look on the bright side, even when things look bleaker than Christian Slater’s acting career, and for the 2-3 Chargers, that is very much the case.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
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