Greetings! I write this to you, loyal subjects of Beddict, from the trap-house, the one I share on lengthy drug-bingeing weekends with a pink-haired beauty named Maleficent. I’d give the skin off my balls for 20 minutes of slumber, but you know what, upsetting sweet Jay by not having a post submitted today would latch a gonorrhea burn to my soul for the remainder of my days on planet earth, and that’s something I’d prefer not to live with. Let’s proceed, shall we, aaaaaahkay!

So, I’ve noticed many an “expert” have fully turned to the “zero running back theory” this season, and much like the time I accidentally witnessed two men play hide the salami, I’m somewhat curious… Should I adopt this theory as my own, maybe even attempt to say that I invented it after witnessing a distinguished member of my home league run the table on his way to fantasy glory five years ago? I, much unlike Ralph Lifshitz, who stole my entire style and ran with it to fame and glory, don’t have the blackened soul of demon, therefore taking credit for something I didn’t actually do (even though I kind of did) just doesn’t sit right with me. Did I mention Ralph stole my soulmate and now lives with her and my children in an old trap house I used to cook meth at in Boston? WHY, RALPH, WHY?!?!? All I did was gave you a style for you to run with. Smiling in my face, glad to break bread with the God… I’m getting sidetracked here, or should I say: ” I digress”? Do people still say that? Truly got to a point where I’d become furious upon reading that statement. Anyway, “I digress” yet again, and for that I apologize. Where we we? Ahhhhh, yes, zero running back theory. Does it work? Sure, if all the receivers you draft early have monster years and the running backs you draft late all become breakout stars. Or, my goodmen, you could flip the whole game on it’s back and give it the kind of pounding Peter North would be proud of by, WAIT FOR IT, WAAAAAAAAAAAIT FOR IT… taking advantage of your league-mates going to this system, while you sit back, blow a bag to the face, and calmly select a pair of elite running backs in the first three rounds, creating a powerhouse of the likes we haven’t witnessed since the Elder Gods openly walked the earth, burning grown a** men with beams of light from their eyeballs and piping down any women of their choosing. WITNESS!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Tehol’s Rankings: Top-200 (Standard)| Top-200 (Half-PPR) | Top-200 (PPR) | QB | RB (Standard) |  RB (PPR) | WR (Standard) |  WR (PPR) | TE (Standard) | TE (Half-PPR) | TE (PPR) 

We all vividly recall the gruesome Jimmy Graham patellar tear last season, especially, I, your thrice damned Lord. Immediately following that pathetic excuse of a football game, I returned to my safe haven, under a bridge in downtown Seattle where the Spoonman-man and myself railed pills and smoked peyote till the birds started chirping. And I don’t ever wanna feel like I did that day. Even now as I type this, I have fallen to my knees, asking, no begging!, for the Elder Gods assistance in keeping Jimmy injury free in 2016 while we cruise to another Super Bowl victory, most likely in a revenge humping of the hated Patriots.

You see, my goodmen, Jimmy G is insanely underrated here; I believe the consensus has him around 15 or so and that’s just pathetic. Yes, the tight end position goes deeper than Kardashian snatch this season, but Graham has more talent in his smoothly shaved left nut than any tight end in the league other than Gronk and Jordan Reed. Graham is coming of the injury, and it’s possible he’s not ready for Week 1, but who cares!? Grab Dwayne Allen or Charles Clay and ride them like Seabiscuit until the God returns to us when we most need him. Seattle’s offense was beyond prolific to close 2016 and this is without Graham involved, so take a little guess at what happens when they incorporate Jimmy back into things? Mo’ money, Mo’ money, Mo’ money!

Anyway, I’m sick as a dog so I’m gonna drop these rankings on ya’ll right quick! I am Tehol Beddict and these are my preseason Fantasy Football Tight End Rankings! Take heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Tehol’s Rankings: Top-200 (Standard)| Top-200 (Half-PPR) | Top-200 (PPR) | QB | RB (Standard) | RB (Half-PPR) | RB (PPR) | WR (Standard) | WR (Half-PPR) | WR (PPR) | TE (Standard) | TE (Half-PPR) | TE (PPR) | K | DST | Top-50 Rookies

Greetings! How are things? Caught your teenage daughter was making smut films? No worries, the Lord’s wide receiver ranking are here for you, hand delivered on ruby-encrusted silver platter by my man-servant, Ralph Lifpshitz. Tis’ true, not only does he hand feed me grapes, but he stole my whole style and became a popular writer here at the site! I’m so proud; I now smile like a proud father watching his only son that made it. With that being said, I’ve been receiving (no pun intended… haha, oh, that’s really not funny) countless requests for my wideout rankings, as there are obviously many of you doing your drafts early. Why, I have no clue, but that’s what ya’ll do, so I’m going to give this to you hard and raw, like you were a Kardashian, backstage at a Black Panther Party award ceremony. Say one thing for the Kardashians, they love African-American sausage, and can you really blame them? Look at the size of those things!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Tehol’s Rankings: Top-200 (Standard)| Top-200 (Half-PPR) | Top-200 (PPR) | QB | RB (Standard) | RB (Half-PPR) | RB (PPR) | WR (Standard) | WR (Half-PPR) | WR (PPR) | TE (Standard) | TE (Half-PPR) | TE (PPR) | K | DST | Top-50 Rookies

Greetings! How are things? Horrible? Allllllllrighty then!

Wife’s getting her black blown out by the pool guy, and she’s divorcing you, and keeping the home with him? Who cares, football season is upon us. Your 15-year old daughter wast just impregnated by a 35 year old meth amphetamine dealer? No worries, my goodmen, football is here! Mouthed off and were embarrassingly pummeled by a couple of teenagers in front of your wife after you caught her eyeballing one of their bulges? It happens, but football season has arrived!

What we have here is my preseason running back rankings. Obviously, there will be more movement on this list in the next couple weeks than some gym shorts filled with a free-balling Shaquille O’Neal, so let’s not overreact, aaaaaahkay!

Some P.H.A.T. (Preety hot and temptin) young men I like more than the consensus are: Matt Jones, Latavius Murray, LeSean McCoy (kudos to him for stealing mooching Marcus Vick’s baby momma), Carlos Hyde and Jeremy Langford. Disagree with your lord? Do it in the comment section below. I beg of you to challenge thy selves in coming up with a clever way of attacking me. Say one thing for Lord Beddict, he’s never been fully sonned in the comment section. You may think you’ve bested me, but one must be more realistic about these things.

I am Tehol Beddict, and these are my 2016 pre-season RB rankings! Take heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Tehol’s Rankings: Top-200 (Standard)| Top-200 (Half-PPR) | Top-200 (PPR) | QB | RB (Standard) | RB (Half-PPR) | RB (PPR) | WR (Standard) | WR (Half-PPR) | WR (PPR) | TE (Standard) | TE (Half-PPR) | TE (PPR) | K | DST | Top-50 Rookies

Greetings! Football season is upon us, my goodmen! And in the year of your Lord Beddict 2016, dual threat quarterbacks have never been more flamboyantly hot. Russell Wilson, who by the way, just discharged a quart and a half of man juice into Ciara on the night of their wedding nuptials, has a legit shot at being the number one fantasy QB in football this season. With Beast Mode moving on to smoking greener pastures in Oaktown, my Seahawks’ passing game should deliver more scores than the Kardashian Clan at a BLM afterparty. With the continued development of young legend Tyler Lockett, the outside speed of former second rounder Paul Richardson, and the return of touchdown machine Jimmy Graham, the Hawks could conceivably have the most explosive offensive in the NFL. Did I mention Seattle drafted C.J. Prosise, a former wide receiver, to be their third down back, opening up more opportunities for big plays? Also, I’d be doing you no favors if I didn’t bring up the fact that Wilson only had one rushing touchdown last season, even though he ran for 533 yards, and that number is sure to rise like a puff pastry when the yeast and sugar interact. Yes, my goodmen, expect another year of Seahawks dominance. What a time to be alive!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! How are things? Terrible? Alllllll-Riiiiiiighty then! I had a dental appointment at 6:00 AM (more on this later), this Monday morning, so please, I beg of you, do not hold me accountable for anything inappropriate or offensive I may write in this post. I wonder, did Donald Trump give that warning before advocating a removal of all Mexican and Muslim people in the United States?… YEESH! I already own a pretty annoyingly flashy car. I GUARANTEE you that if I put a Trump sticker on that bitch, I’d get a shattered window within 24 hours. Should we test it out? I’d rather not, but I heard Jay, the greatest editor/writer in the history of sports writing, is heavily involved in Dump’s campaign, so maybe he’ll test this theory for us.

Anyway, I bet not one of you have had to get a gap filled in where you chipped a tooth when a significant other went super freak and put a dildo in your mouth… I mean, I’m always down for experimenting, and who really knows what I’ve done during my countless Molly sessions, but blow isn’t mind altering enough to get me to inhale a fake D… I’m embarrassed. I’m humiliated. I’m exhausted. Let’s talk football before these pain killers knock me out for the count.

I am Tehol Beddict and this is, Getting Wired with the Elders! Take heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! It’s been so long since we’ve been with one another, here on the only fantasy site that truly unites people like only a game of leap frog played by naked men could do. If we’re being honest here, my life has been empty and inconsequential without you. First, it was a much needed vacation after leaving a mental health facility. Then it was a new job accompanied by the sort of sickness I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy (except Ralph). There’s only so many weeks in the fantasy football season, and with each post missed, it feels as if a piece of my soul has been torn out and stomped on by Rosie O’Donnell and Roseanne right after they hit the “All you can eat Shrimpfest” at Red Lobster. Even now, as I write this, tears are flowing down my cheekbones like urine down the face of one of R. Kelly’s 14-year-old girlfriends. I need you! If only the Elders would bless me with the attributes one needs to become a successful writer so that I could quit the ridiculously lame job I started that has ruined whatever life I had left. But you’ve got to be realistic about these things…

I am Tehol Beddict and this is, Through the Wire… That doesn’t sound right, does it? I miss Disgrace/Delight. Oh well, TAKE HEED!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! Your favorite fantasy writer’s favorite fantasy writer (shout out to Apache Kid) is officially back from the islands and fully prepared to drop Elder God-knowledge on the chosen few of you who consistently read my posts. I’d like to begin (I guess this isn’t technically the beginning), by apologizing for my single, brief post from last week. Right as I was beginning to outline my usual Saturday post, I received a carrier pigeon from Jay the Elder, demanding that I enjoy my vacation and not submit my Start/Sit column. I’m assuming it had to do with the gutter trash I turned in on Tuesday, but still, I’m grateful nonetheless. Oh, how I’ve missed this though! I will never schedule another vay-cay during football season ever again. Not to mention, you feel like a piece of rhino dung for sitting inside watching football when you’re in Maui, but I just can’t help myself. I love this game, my goodmen, and I let you down. NEVER AGAIN!

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight! Take heed!

Join Jay and your fellow readers in a special Razzball-only Contest! Buy-in is just $5.00 and the top-12 finishers in a 55-team league are all part of the prize pool! Sign up here!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! As many of you know, Beddict is vacationing in the Hawaiian islands, lubing up in tropical oils and scrolling the beaches for anything that breathes to take home and harpoon. So far, so good, as single women flock here in packs like beluga whale pods, just hoping for the chance of a romantic fling. I can’t give them romance, but I can definitely give them the lance. But I’m not here to describe my numerous sexscapades in graphic detail. I’m here to give you an early glimpse at my Week 9 Fantasy Football Rankings. This will officially be my briefest post of all time and I’m not proud of that whatsoever, but my master, Jay, has allowed me to fully enjoy my vacation. Say one thing Jay Long, he’s a compassionate man. I’m forever in his debt as well as yours, for allowing this ridiculously short post, but as my Twitter friend, Dave Lackford, said, “Nobody’s going to read it anyway.”Guess I’ve got to be realistic about these things.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! Today, I write to you from the uncomfortable seat of an Alaskan Airlines coach seat. That’s right, I’m headed to Maui, where I hope to relax, get a savage tan, and bust more nuts than Alvin and the Chipmunks at Thanksgiving. [Jay’s Note: I hope you’re staying in Kihei. Like a second home for me…] If you happen to follow me on Twitter, I’ll be posting daily pictures and trust me, you’re going to want to see this… Actually, you might hate me if you don’t already, but when you’re a professional fantasy football writer/thong model, you get to experience some pretty cool things. I just pray Ralph Lifshitz’s wife is able to meet me as planned, as it’s where we first met and created Ralph’s first child. Who am I kidding, she wouldn’t miss it for the world. You’ve got to be realistic about these things.

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Start ‘Em and Sit ‘Em! Take Heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?
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