Overall: 71-58-1, Locks: 7-1

Greetings! Beddict here, weak and heavily medicated. For you see, I banged my chin on a flawless white marble kitchen countertop in a home owned by Celine Dion while shooting a soft core porn for Cinemax that should be out sometime in 2016. That’s right ya’ll, Beddict’s got 15 stitches in his chinny-chin-chin, and you’ll witness it on Razzball Radio and The Fantasy Sports Network next Tuesday. I was thinking about taking advantage of the situation and getting a chin implant. such as this one here, but after speaking with the Elders, it was decided that now is not the time.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings!! Tis I, Tehol Beddict, back again to praise those players who went above and beyond in pleasing their fantasy owners. It’s also a place where I purge my detestation of the players who either blew plush match-ups or were just outright dreadful. And there’s something that’s been vexing me as of late. Something more troubling than Nicolas Cage’s career choices, something more perplexing than Jim Carrey and Mike Myers’s epic fall offs, something even more disturbing than my and Sky’s combined porn collections. That something, you ask? Colin Kaepernick. After the Niners made the Super Bowl in Kaepernick’s first year on the job, I envisioned greatness; a taller, stronger Michael Vick. Instead, we’re getting a Joe Webb clone (no offense to Joe Webb. I love that guy. But still…). Except Webb would more than likely have at least ONE rushing TD on the season. Seriously, I haven’t seen a regression like this since Steven Segal after he dropped the classic Under Siege on us, following it with a bunch of DVD’s that I now use as beer coasters. [Jay’s Note: You shut your mouth about Glimmer Man. That movie is a classic.]

The Niners have been a bit banged up on the offensive line, but no more than any other teams in the NFL, so I’m not allowing that as an excuse. The front office has brought in a multitude of new weapons including Stevie Johnson, Carlos Hyde, and Bruce Ellington. I won’t even mention the name of the bum tight end they drafted in the 2nd round last year, but still another offensive weapon nonetheless. When you add Crabtree, Boldin, and Vernon Davis to the mix, we should be talking about one of the, if not the best arsenals in all of football. Instead, Kaepernick has put up the worst QBR of his career and the offense simply isn’t functioning. Over the past two seasons, San Fran has one of the most pathetic red zone offenses I’ve ever witnessed. Much of this has to do with the gross play calling of offensive coordinator Greg Roman. Either Roman needs to go, or Kaepernick needs to go, for this is getting out of hand. I thought Kaepernick was selected by the Elder Gods to take over the NFL. I used to believe he was superior to Russell Wilson. Now I wouldn’t take him over Tyler Wilson.

This is Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Week 10: 8-5, Overall: 63-53-1, Locks: 6-1

Greetings! What up doe!? It is I, Beddict, returning to your warm embrace after another successful lock of the week call. Imagine how much dough I’d have if I bet my entire Razzball salary on each of my locks and kept letting it ride! Enough money to get my mom out the hood, with enough left over for a state of the art, chicken coop, for my loving Beatrice. This week, I’m going all in. Join me or sit back from afar, either laughing at my demise or throwing rose petals on the ground, I walk as the Elder God blessed grand champion of gambling ATS. Have you witnessed the ESPN dude’s record this year, or last year for that matter? Yeeesh! I’m already 0-1 this week after foolishly putting my faith in the Bills, but let’s not dwell on the past by talking about how disgraceful the Bills offense was, or even how Ryan Tannehill ended my fantasy life by missing Mike Wallace on two HUGE plays. Seriously, Tannehill is gutter trash when it comes to throwing the football deep. It sickens me to levels beyond human comprehension… but as I said, let’s not dwell on the past…WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!!?!? F*CKING WHY!?!?!?!?!?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

DO NOT say I didn’t warn you. I made it abundantly clear that starting Jay Cutler was a grave mistake, an error so sacrilegious, not even the usual animal sacrifices would appease the Elder Gods. All week I declared that it was irresponsible journalism to have Cutler in anybody’s Top-10 for this week. Cutler’s numbers in Green Bay are right there in front of everybody’s face. It’s a known fact that he’s David Hasselhoff, blacked out on the bathroom floor eating cheeseburgers type of pathetic when playing in Wisconsin. Hopefully owners realize how ridiculously lucky they were to get that incredible TD from Brandon Marshall, making Cutler’s day somewhere approaching respectable. The only reason he put up decent numbers two weeks ago at New England was because the Patriots went to prevent defense once they were up something like 200 points. The Bears are an absolute joke right now, and my respect for Cutler has collapsed to Michael Lohan levels. Inexcusable all around performance by the Chicago Bears and fantasy analysts everywhere… hold tha phone! I just looked at Jay-bone’s rankings, and now I feel like a real d*ckhole. Let me point out that Jay is one of the most accurate rankers in the world, and that even geniuses like himself (Cutler thing), Kanye West (R&B album that somehow didn’t ruin his career), and Roman Polanski (an affinity for underage women), are prone to minor mistake every now and again. [Jay’s Note: That’s why they call me Jay… Wrong.] I’ll pray to the Elders, that he doesn’t’ delete me on Snapchat for this, or even point out the fact that if it wasn’t for his editorial work, it would look as if a 9-year-old child put this together. [Jay’s Note: You’re too hard on yourself. More like an 11-year-old…] Let’s just move forward with all of our lives, shall we… Gods, I F*CKING DESPISE OWNING JAY CUTLER.

I am Tehol Beddict, and this is, Disgrace/Delight. Take Heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Week 9: 7-6, Overall: 55-48-1, Locks: 5-1

Greetings! Beddict’s back in the hizzy, already 0-1 this week after Andy Dalton was brought to his knees as if he was Miley Cyrus, after spiking (NSFW… kinda) her own drink with multiple mollys. I apologize, for I feel wrong comparing Andy Dalton to someone with real talent. Is there anything grosser than Miley going full camel toe, sticking her demonic tongue out, and twerking that pasty pancake ass? Sure there is… Andy Dalton playing QB in the National Football League. That was one of the most embarrassingly pathetic performances I’ve witnessed from a QB in my many days upon this earth. Not since Curtis “Putrid” Painter started almost the entire season when the Colts were tanking (not talked about enough) to get Andrew Luck, have I been cursed with watching such peon like play. Seems like a great guy in real life though… moving on. Let’s get to this week’s picks, shall we? The quest for the perfect week continues.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Alright, alright, alright. I keep getting older but I stay looking the same age. That may be because of the lipo, as I’ve had enough fat sucked out of my glutes to choke Moby Dick. Adrian Peterson certainly doesn’t require any amount of liposuction, as the man is built straight out of the Elder Gods’s fantasies. At 6’1″ and 220 pounds, this man could run through a concrete wall and probably destroy ISIS in its entirety this weekend. Peterson was also a winner in the courtroom this week, pleading no contest to one count of misdemeanor reckless assault, which hit him with a monstrous $4,000.00 fine and a couple hours of community service. That one’s really got dent the old pocket book, eh? Let’s just say he won’t be taking any of his 27 kids to shopping sprees in the short term.

Being that this case was handled in court, and it comes off as such a minor offense, I would have to assume AP will be eligible to play in Week 11. I know what you’re thinking… “There’s still no way Peterson beats out Asiata, right? The guy has scored more often than Beddict at a Sandals resort Halloween party.” Sorry, Asiata and McKinnon fans, this is Peterson’s show, and when he rides in like a gallant stallion to carry the Vikings to a playoff birth, Coach Zimmer will not stand in his path. Has there ever been a superior roster addition this late in the season in fantasy history? Josh Gordon is already owned everywhere, so the answer, guys and gals, is a resounding no. This is truly incredible, as any fantasy team that was bordering on playoff contention now has a legit shot at the title if they were able to swoop up AP. For my roster, I’m assuming he’s going to be an upgrade over Ben Tate and Chris Ivory… but I’ve been wrong before. Kudos to you if you had the foresight to grab AP a couple weeks back or were gifted him on this week’s waiver wire claims. I see mountainous orgies and many glorious victories in your future. Now, if you weren’t blessed with AP on the wire… may the Elder Gods take mercy on your souls.

I am Tehol Beddict and this is, Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Overall: 48-42-1, Locks: 4-1

Greetings!! Tis I, Beddict, your favorite chicken lover and gambling extraordinare. Hopefully, you’ve kept up with my picks the past two weeks on Twitter or in the comment section of my weekly Disgrace/Delight column. Oh, you don’t care about point spreads and real betting? What’s that you say? You come here for fantasy football advice, not for some former mankini model to put you up to your ears in debt and possibly ruin your life? Dudes/Dudettes, this is for fun! Chill out! It’s been my lifelong dream to write a weekly betting column, so can you at least pretend to enjoy it? Make your picks every week, beat me and receive thousands of kudos points, possibly even a razzball T-Shirt. Razzball, you know, the greatest website every created. Let’s get involved people! Think you’re more intelligent than me? (Don’t answer that!) Then put your knowledge of the NFL to the test below, for there is no greater challenge on earth than correctly choosing a high percentage of covers.

I made my Thursday Night Football pick in my Disgrace/Delight column, going with the Saints (-3). I was laughed at for calling it a lock, but we see how that turned out. Still, we won’t count it as the lock of the week since I never actually stated it was that. The Elder Gods have blessed me with many great bounties over the years. I have a feeling this week shall be one of my most blessed hauls ever.  The quest for the perfect week continues.

Shall we begin? Take Heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! Welcome to another titillating edition of Disgrace/Delight. Tough week for your boy, as I dropped $130 and $160 in two money leagues with the first being a standard scoring league. There’s an ongoing joke (I’m the only one who seems to participate in it), in the standard league that I’m cursed as I get everyone’s best performance and lost in my first three finals appearances, including on by a tie!!! This is quickly becoming creepier than (Homeland Spoiler Alert!) Carrie molesting that 17 year-old Pakistani boy. (Spoiler over.) They dog me for being a supposed “expert”, don’t read my blogs, and definitely don’t watch my  TV interviews on The Fantasy Sports Network (some friends, I know). I feel like Rodney Dangerfield, for Beddict the Elder God Blessed gets zero respect from these clucks. It’s time to turn the tide. It’s time to channel the powers of the Elder Gods and demolish the souls of these treacherous bastards. Those of you residing outside the playoff picture at this moment need to take a look in the mirror (I have hundreds if you need to borrow one), and ask yourself if you want to be great. It starts with this week, and I’m going to be by your side, pushing and prodding you to be the best you can become. Take Heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Oh wise and powerful Elder Gods, I beg of you to release me from this bondage of constant anguish that my fantasy players have brought down upon me this season. For you, I would give my left nut and sacrifice my best friend and prize chicken, Beatrice, if you so asked me to (please do not). The pain, the pain… I cannot bear it much longer. But this isn’t all about me though. My readers still have hope. Do not punish them, oh Gods, for they don’t deserve your vengeful scorn. They pray to you, the same as I. Bless them with bountiful treasures of fantasy glory.

With that being said, I do own Jerick McKinnon in most of my leagues, and that, my friends, is a very good thing. Of course, it’s because I owned Adrian Peterson, so I suppose that takes some of the luster off of it. Either way, McKinnon must be owned and ridden like that Thai girl (or boy?) rode me one in that fateful night in Bangkok. His explosion is legendary, and watching him run in the open field is an event of unsurpassed beauty. Running for over 100 yards on a Buffalo team that was previously giving up only 2.8 yards a carry is no simple feat. Matt Asiata… he’s no longer relevant. We’ll always have that 3 touchdown game, Matt, and I thank you kindly for the memories. McKinnon’s in line for another special performance against Tampa Bay this week, and I suggest you place him in your fantasy lineups.

I am Tehol Beddict, and this is Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I will forever despise Austin Davis for what he did to me on Monday Night football. I speak not of the touchdown pass he threw in the first half (yippeeeee), but of the pick-6 he gifted to the Niners that beat me in fantasy ON MY BIRTHDAY!!! Austin Davis and the entire Rams organization is a total joke, and I hear they’re moving to L.A. For the City of Angel’s sake, let’s hope that they leave Davis in St. Louis along with Jeff Fisher (one of the most overrated head coaches in NFL history along with Brian Schottenheimer, one of the worst play callers in NFL History). We all knew the pick was coming, and boy did it come… all over my face! Just the interception by itself would have at least given me a tie, but that’s obviously too much to ask for on the Elder Gods’ favorite son’s birthday. That embarrassingly pathetic play lost and won thousands of fantasy match ups this weekend, and I’ll probably never get over it. Kudos to you if you won with the Niners defense on that same play. Cool Beans. You really earned that one, guys. Let’s get this over with so I can gorge myself on my leftover birthday cake, which will hopefully place me in a state of hibernation until next week. Yea, most depressing birthday in Beddict history. They say time heals all things… except fantasy football losses, those stick with you forever.

Please, blog, may I have some more?