Author: Jay

Jay is a longtime Razzball everything who consumes an egregious amount of Makers Mark as a vehicle to gain wisdom and augment his natural glow. Living in the D.C. area, he also likes spending time visiting the local parks and feeding lettuce to any turtles he encounters, including Mitch McConnell. You can follow him on Twitter @jaywrong.

Read some of Jay's 685 posts

J.J. WUT

by: Jay

J.J. Watt has more fantasy points than LeSean McCoy. I just thought I would share that with you fine folks out there. With that being said, I also want to establish that we witnessed the first competitive Thursday Night Football game of the season… in Week 6. And it certainly did not look like that at first. The first quarter was actually written by Franz Kafka. The Colts built a 24-0 lead, and the Texans had run more plays than yards gained. And as the game started getting away from us all, like a small child being held by Adrian Peterson. Or like the freedom once held by Adrian Peterson. Adrian Peterson is an a**hat is what I’m trying to say. What I’m also trying to say is holy f*cking sh*t T.Y Hilton. And despite the Colts going Ivan Drago on the Texans early in the game, they amazingly gritted their way back with an insane display of footballing by J.J. Watt (good lord, I should have drafted Watt as an offensive player), Arian Foster staying injury free, and Andre Johnson actually proving that, in fact, he is alive and well. Yes, it was all in an effort so that Fitzmagic could lose by a closer margin than expected (oh Houston), but seeing as how we have to watch the Patriots win by at least 30 points next Thursday, this competitive game (mostly) was a wonderful reprieve.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

TNF, Week 6: Colts vs. Texans

by: Jay

Since this game falls on Thursday night, I can only surmise that the Colts will win this game by at least 48,965 touchdowns. And I feel that might be on the low-end. In what will be a battle of two 3-2 teams, the Colts appear the stronger one-game-above-mediocrity team because of the weapons they have on offense. Led by Andrew Luck and his 1,617 yards, 14 touchdowns, and his amazing likeness to Hodor, both Reggie Wayne and T.Y. Hilton are on pace for around 1,000 yard seasons, and for the first time in twenty years, Trent Richardson may finally end a season with more than 1.9 YPC. Haha, just kidding. No way that happens. On the flip side, you have Arian Foster and his everyday struggle to not get injured. I’m pretty sure they keep him in bubble wrap and sound alarms when he sneezes. He has 86 carries so far, which I call bullsh*t on. He’s never done anything more than 10 times without pulling a hamstring. Regardless, there are makings here of a decent game, so obviously it’ll be over in the first three minutes. HODOR.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Rankings, Week 6: Assessing the Landscape

October 9, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, 2014 Weekly Rankings | 181 Comments

by: Jay

2014 In-Season Accuracy: 57.4% (25th out of 124 Experts, 60.6% Highest, 49.9% Lowest).

Week 5 Results: 56.5% (70th out of 131 Experts, 69.4% Highest, 47.0% Lowest).

I’ve been meaning to do a self-audit for a while now, a way of tracking how well I’ve been doing in regards to ranking accuracy. I find the whole endeavor interesting, in that, these accuracy scores provide a way to track how good or bad we are, as so-called “experts”, at being prescient. And it’s there for all the world to see, allowing all of you to find the “proof in the pudding”. Which is wonderful if it’s tapioca pudding. That being said, the whole endeavor can be nerve-racking. I’m not afraid to admit that I always have a bit of hesitancy before checking to see how I did the week prior. There’s no doubt in my mind that if my rankings made a poor showing week after week, I’d probably have to start looking for a new profession. But, worse than that, it would seem to be defeating the purpose of, at least, 10% of what this site is for, and that’s helping your fantasy team with fun, thoughtful, and engaging analysis on a daily basis. The other 90%, of course, being d*ck and fart jokes. So for every rankings post from here on out, you’ll always get my results at the top, same as the past installments, but now I’ll be including the following table that will be tracking my entire season. I may not be the top ranker out there, nor am I the worst, but I do want to be the most transparent.

	Score	Rank	Experts	Highest	Lowest	Score +/-	Rank +/-
Week 1	61.80%	22	134	66.10%	48.20%
Week 2	54.00%	35	135	61.30%	42.10%	-7.80%	-13
Week 3	57.40%	88	128	67.10%	44.30%	3.40%	-53
Week 4	56.50%	48	128	61.10%	42.80%	-0.90%	40
Week 5	56.50%	70	131	69.40%	47.00%	0.00%	-22
Totals	57.40%	25	124	60.60%	49.90%

Well, there it is, feel free to assess the landscape as it stands. Like everything else in life, yeah, I’m thinking it could definitely use more bush.

And now, your Week 6 Rankings…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Legion of OOPS

October 7, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 183 Comments

by: Jay

Well, wasn’t that something. The game was, well, close for the most part. And by close, you have to consider context, as they Seahawks didn’t score 45 points in the first quarter, which certainly exceeded my expectations. But it’s no surprise that Jim Haslett was implementing his no cover defensive scheme throughout the game, and Jay Gruden’s sh*tty play design was certainly well masked by the players poor execution of it. But if there’s one takeaway here, it’s that the game was closer than it ever had a right to be, though, it is fair to say, the outcome was really never in doubt. So Washington hung in there…, bravo. That’s definitely worth something. Well, I mean, it’s worth a loss. So yeah, I guess that sucks.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

MNF, Week 5: Seahawks vs. Washington Football Team

October 6, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 55 Comments

by: Jay

Our football cuppeth runneth over…eth… I guess? With another Sunday in the books, Monday Night Football has arrived, just in time to give us a reason to drink for at least three hours tonight. Or maybe that’s just me. But it won’t be once this game gets started. While you could find reasons to support tonight’s affair being a trap game for the heavily favored Seahawks, I assure you, it would take a meteor dropping down in Landover, MD of epic dinosaur extinction proportions to affect the outcome of this game. And I hate to tell ya, but Bruce Willis is still alive and well. So, we must drink! Coming off a bye, the Seahawks have also won eight straight Monday night games and still have an elite defense that will face Kirk Cousins, who is coming off a career-high four interception game. Should be a mix better made for a Thursday Night Football game. Then again, as my Chargers proved, the Seahawks aren’t as dominating when outside the proximity of fish-throwers and Space Needles and smarmy coffee drinkers, but you’d have to think a functional defense would help here. Washington… does not have that.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Matt Prater Will Have a Couple of Voicemail Messages Waiting for Him Today

October 6, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 75 Comments

by: Jay

In a thrilling day of footballing, there were nine games decided by a touchdown or less, three games decided by a field goal or less, and two overtime victories. It was enough to make some teams (looking directly at you Jim Caldwell and the Lions) wonder why someone like Alex Henery, who single-handedly (or footedly? Is that a word?) lost the game against the Kyle Orton led Bills 17-14, (to what was a 58-yard field goal to Dan Carpenter) still holds a job in the NFL. Missing one field goal is okay. Missing two is unacceptable. Missing three in a game, one of which came with 51 seconds remaining… well… if anything, Henery should be immediately cut just for allowing the above photo to be a thing. Fun fact: If you look up the word “d*ckish” in the dictionary, you’ll find a smug Jim Schwartz smiling right back at you. And while you could easily see getting carried off the field after beating Detroit in the fifth week of the regular season as the most Buffalo thing ever (landing as a tie with eating and drinking too much before sobbing uncontrollably… or is that Cleveland?), apparently asking your team to do this in the preseason, as far back as OTA’s seems, I don’t know, spiteful? Smarmy? Maladjusted? Well, to be fair, with Schwartz, no one would ever see him being that kind of guy… But hey, some good came out of this. Kyle Orton threw for over 300+ yards with a touchdown against the number one ranked defense in the NFL, which is pretty good. And probably the eighth sign that the end of the world is here.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

SNF, Week 5: Bengals vs. Patriots

October 5, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 42 Comments

by: Jay

Just in time for tonight’s prime time festivities, there are reports surfacing like leaky submarines (stay with me here) that “tension” exists between Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. If by tension you mean “sh*tty quarterback play”, then yes, I can see that.

Two sources told ESPN that former rookie quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo was drafted as Brady’s successor and the move could happen “sooner than later.” No source suggested that “sooner” would mean a change during the 2014 season.

So the question here is, what the heck does “soon” mean then? Soon to me is, like, soon. Not 365 days from now. Let’s figure out what these words actually mean before using them, yes?

Cincinnati, who could arguably be one of the best teams so far, brings in a well-balanced offensive attack, despite all the gingerness, not to mention a physical defense that has helped generated the only undefeated team in the AFC. Then again, the Bengals have a propensity to lay down in meaningful games, but lucky for them, this isn’t the playoffs.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Week 5 Late Games: Bye Bye Bye Week

October 5, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 10 Comments

by: Jay

The surprising Cardinals (3-0) are set to take on the Broncos (2-1) after both teams enjoyed their byes. That sounds hot. Denver has been surprisingly pedestrian in a lot of ways so far this season, beating the Chiefs and Colts by a touchdown before the overtime loss against Seattle. There’s been no word as of yet if authorities have located Demaryius Thomas, but I’m assuming they are just doing what Peyton Manning has been doing and confusing which Thomas is which. No, it’s that one. No, not that one. That one. Wait, now I’m confused. The undefeated Cardinals, which is not an oxymoron, I swear, is still without Carson Palmer. But that’s okay if you have a defense that’s only allowing 15 points a game and just 2.9 yards per carry. Sorry Montee Ball owners. But don’t worry! Next week he’ll be going against the… Jets… ewww. Yeah, nevermind.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Week 5 Early Games: Questionabletron

October 5, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 94 Comments

by: Jay

The latest reports coming out of Detroit are expressing caution… ever since the mayor signed a deal with the mega-corportaion Omni Consumer Products (OCP) to run and control the underfunded police force. Obviously, the city itself is on the verge of total collapse and anarchy, due to financial ruin and a high crime rate. To help combat this, OCP, in partnership with Hasbro, has created Megatron, a sentient robotic lifeform that has the ability to transform between his robot shape and that of a 29 year old, 6’5″, 236 lbs wide receiver, who, because of some sort of ankle circuitry malfunction, is questionable to fight against the ED-209 at OCP HQ to save the Detroit Police force, and also continue making Matt Stafford look like a good quarterback in this Sunday’s game against the Bills.

And that’s how you take Robocop, Transformers, the Detroit Lions, and Fantasy Football news, mix them together, and produce hot, edible nerd sauce for most meats and garnishes. Call me, ladies.

Week 5 Rankings have been updated for today’s games. You can check them out here.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

That was the Ponderest Ponder that Anyone Ever Pondered

October 3, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 67 Comments

by: Jay

Well, Thursday Night Football… what can I say? The average margin of victory was 28 points (and if I actually knew what math was, I’d have to guess it would probably be around 30 points now after last night’s game), and I still can’t figure out if these blow out games are boring… or just plain sad. One thing’s for sure, Thursday Night Football is where NFL parity goes to die. The Packers opened up the first half with five, I repeat, five 3-and-outs, but still managed to lead the game 28-0. The Vikings couldn’t reach their own 45-yard-line until late in the second quarter… and then, when they did, it was on a Matt Asiata run where the end result was a fumble. Because of course. And it only got worse from there. For example, I think the Vikings are still punting as you’re reading this.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

TNF: Vikings vs. Packers

October 2, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 75 Comments

by: Jay

While Teddy Bridgewater is technically a game time decision, Adam Schefter is reporting that the “signs point to him (Bridgewater) not playing tonight.” Which means that there’s a 50% chance that he’s playing, while there’s a 100% chance that Christian Ponder might play. THE SUSPENSE EVERYONE. Suffering a high ankle sprain in last Sunday’s surprising win against Atlanta (41-28), Bridgewater was held out of practice all week. Seeing as how this is the same injury that’s been ailing Jamaal Charles, I expect nothing less than three touchdowns and 90 rushing yards from the Minnesota quarterback tonight. But, if Ponder starts (UPDATE: Ian Rapoport has now confirmed that Ponder will be starting), that should be just as exciting. And by exciting, I mean like how watching two cars crash into each other is exciting. Remember, the Vikings are facing a Packers team fresh off a game against the Bears where they ended every single drive with at least a field goal attempt. Adding the cherry on top, the forecast is calling for a torrential rain storm that we haven’t seen the likes of since Darren Aronofsky’s Noah. So… should be derptastic fun for all folks…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Rankings, Week 5: Return of the Orton

October 2, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, 2014 Weekly Rankings | 94 Comments

by: Jay

2014 In-Season Accuracy: 57.4% (23rd out of 125 Experts, 60.0% Highest, 47.2% Lowest).

Week 4 Results: 56.5% (48th out of 128 Experts, 61.1% Highest, 42.8% Lowest).

Let me tell you folks, nothing gives me more glee than to see, for the first time ever, Kyle Orton available to rank. And then, of course, the actual rigorous process of ranking his greatness among all the other quarterbacks… just really hits the spot. Ties the room together, if you will. When he was released by the Cowboys last July, there was this immediate emptiness in my heart, like part of my soul was missing. Luckily, a quick trip to the liquor store solved that. But the fact still remained… my life needed, strike that, REQUIRED one of the best quarterbacks this generation has ever witnessed (in terms of alcoholic affinity) to be employed by a National Football League team. So when news was announced that he had signed with the Bills in August, I was jumping around like a giddy school girl, that is, if school girls could legally get drunk for breakfast. And you can only imagine what I did this week when news came out that he would once again be starting, taking over for the inconsistent E.J. Manuel…. if you answered: DRINKINGMOTHERF*CKERS, you would be correct, sirs and madams. Whatever you think of Kyle Orton, he’s certainly left his mark on me. On us. ON EVERYONE. Maker’s Mark that is…

And onto your Week 5 Rankings, NOW with more Kyle Orton…

Please, blog, may I have some more?