DENVER, CO - OCTOBER 30: Running back Devontae Booker #23 of the Denver Broncos rushes for a touchdown in the third quarter of the game against the San Diego Chargers at Sports Authority Field at Mile High on October 30, 2016 in Denver, Colorado. (Photo by Dustin Bradford/Getty Images)

Greetings! Over these past few weeks I’ve often wondered: “Have they missed me since I’ve been gone?” Will my strongest supporters simply move on and attach themselves to any of the other talented Razzball writers, or will they mourn me by drinking and drugging themselves for the remainder of their miserable lives, slowly killing themselves in the memory of the Lord? What I can tell you is that I’ve spent the past couple weeks in the crater of Mt. Vesuvius, smoking mass quantities of peyote and drinking absinthe by the boatload, conversing with the Elder Gods about my future and what has been foreseen. The good news, you ask? My dream of my writing career surpassing my great many thong modeling accomplishments looks like a given, but the bad news, my goodmen, oh hohoho, you mustn’t never find out for only the scurviest of bottom feeders could possibly have the wherewithal to comprehend what I must do. They’ve rarely been wrong in their predictions for my life in the past. I mean, they did predict I would finish second overall in the FantasyPros rankings a few weeks back AND they informed me that some crazy hood rat would come out the woodwork, saying I owe her 500 dollars for blowing out the back of the gal watching her home while she was out of town. This gutter ferret had the gaul to threaten me on Facebook. ME! The Lord! My judgement shall be swift and merciless, and her destiny of bobbing for worm-infested apples, surrounded by diseased swine in the dank dungeon of House Beddict. Just because I put a dime piece in the perfect flex on her cheap ass bed certainly doesn’t mean that I broke and it certainly does not mean the Lord will throw some gold coins at her to shut her hole. Peasantry.

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!

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Welcome everybody to this week’s edition of “Dap Impacts”, our recurring series here at Razzball analyzing the most important fist bumps in history. This week, we’ll highlight Barack Obama, a man who has dapped more world leaders than all other human beings combined. And who could forget the time he dapped his own wife when accepting the Democratic party’s nomination for President, in a heartwarming moment that Fox News lovingly described as a “terrorist fist jab”… *answers call from Jay* I’ve been informed that this is actually another installment of Deep Impact, and also that Fox News did not mean that as a compliment. For those of you who haven’t been reading (looking at you, Sam Hinkie), this is for fantasy football players who like to go rummaging through the Dumpsters looking for hidden treasures. Not literally, Steve, get out of the trash and for the love of all that is holy please take that out of your mouth. For everyone who has been reading this series from the beginning, wow that’s a great haircut, very sharp. And is that new cologne I smell? Well, someone is really out to impress. Here are some plays this week to reward you for being so dapper…

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One of the most difficult words to say in the English language has five letters and starts with an ‘s’. Any guesses? You could go in a multitude of directions here, and before you take it down the avenue that garners a solid (not the word) ‘That’s what she said’ from Michael Scott (also not the word), let me just try to get this out.

So…wait. (Exhale). Ok, deep breathe. Let’s try again.

Sor…nope! Not easy. Just simply too much pride in the male ego. But we can do this. If Justin Bieber can sing an entire song about it, I got this.

SORRY. (Cue fireworks, confetti, streamers, balloons and kazoos). Man, I feel a little better now. Do you?

Truth is, the past two weeks on this little advice column have been quite poopy. Call it bad luck, of which a large dose of fantasy football is comprised of, or just bad math, either way it hasn’t been pretty. Each week my goal is to give you great options to compile the best lineup for a 22-man league in FanDuel. Why?

Each week we offer a 22-man Razzball-only FanDuel Contest that pays out the top-5 finishers! Think you’re good enough to operate beyond just luck and work your way to the top of the standings? Then put your money where your fingertips are and enter the $5 Contest for Week 15!

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If you’re still reading at this point, you either really love fantasy football, or you’re within a game or two (stop playing into Week 17!) of winning your fantasy championship. Ideally, your lineup is set at the typical streamer positions at this point. Well, unless you somehow managed to advance after Andy Dalton’s early injury last week. More than likely you didn’t, but perhaps you did.

I know I did.

Yes, despite Dalton’s one-point performance, I was able to survive my first-round playoff matchup to move on to the semifinals. It’s also a league where every team thinks it’s necessary to hold two or three quarterbacks, so the pickings were slim. More than any other time this year, I’m desperate for some streamers.

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‘Playoffs? Playoffs!?’ Quick…what comes to your mind when you read that? Add in a little high-pitched squeally voice of an old man and of course you come up with the image of Jim Mora Sr. standing at the podium in Colts garb responding like Iverson to a reporter’s question. He was actually Iverson before Iverson. You know what I’m talking about…

But there may not be a better moniker for the DFS fan of fantasy football in Week 14 than the word ‘playoffs’ with a few question marks after it. While most of the fantasy football community is 6 days into their winter-long hibernation bender realizing that their fantasy football season has finally come to a close, around half of the season-long players just stepped into the DFS world.  Are you one of those face deep into December’s Week 14 depression? Missed on your league’s playoffs? Every week of the daily game is like the playoffs.

One week. One lineup. Win or go home…or lose your cash. And errbody can play!

So, if it didn’t work out very well for you over the past trimester, learn from your mistakes and do better. Wisdom is being able to look at the past to know what’s going to happen in the future before it does. In other words, wanna do well in Week 14? Take a look at the trends in fantasy football over the past few weeks to help determine this week’s outcome.

What trend are you seeing in the DFS game leading up to Week 14? Drop a comment below!

Each week we offer a 22-man Razzball-only FanDuel Contest that pays out the top-5 finishers. Think you’re good enough to operate beyond just luck and work your way to the prize? Then put your money where your fingertips are and enter the $5 Contest for Week 14!

And now what you’ve all been waiting for, or just scrolled down and have no idea what I just talked about, here’s how to navigate a medium-sized contest in FanDuel, like our 22-man option…

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Why Razzball? Why you ask. If I really need to answer that question then I think you are in the wrong place. Perhaps you meant to visit espn.com where you could fill up on shitty advice from some overpaid, over hyped ding dong. I’ve been trying to figure a way to work “ding dong” into a post all season. Check that one off the list. But while I have your divided attention, I’ll answer it anyway. Is “undivided” attention actually a thing anymore. Heck I’m barely paying attention as I write this post. So you’ll have to forgive my randomness.

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pinkdoug

It seems I can no longer avoid the pink elephant in the room. Doug Baldwin (63%). In the preseason I identified Doug as an ideal cheap buy in auction leagues. With an projection of about 167 points and a price tag of at most $2, his points per dollar (PPD) was through the roof. In snake drafts his ADP was about 120 (10th round). Through 12 games he currently has 180 points (1 point PPR). Over achieve much? In week 5 I ranked him as a top-20 receiver. And in weeks 11 and 12, I highlighted for his on field performances. The writing has been on the wall all season. And by wall, I mean my posts. How many of us missed it, or just plain ignored it. In the last four weeks specifically, Baldwin has been one of the top WR in the league. The stats don’t lie. During that span he has averaged 6 catches and 108 yards per game. He also has 6 touchdowns in those four games. Is it a coincidence that his performance has blossomed since Marshawn Lynch has been out of the lineup? I have no idea, but felt obligated to point it out. Can you hear me now?!!

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In what was a mix of Packers being bad and the Lions being good, one wondered what kind of dark wizardry was at work. True, the Packers had, for the most part, been struggling a bit lately after starting the season 6-0, losing three of their last four heading into last night’s game. Also true is the fact that the Lions, not too long ago, were in a heated competition with San Diego for the first overall pick in next year’s draft, but have surged a bit from worst in the league to a pretty solid below-average team. So while the Lions taking a 17-0 lead at halftime was a bit surprising, one could only help but wonder, how were the Lions going to Browns this up? Well, one thing’s certain… they sure nailed it. In what was a last-ditch hail mary (shown above), Aaron Rodgers was inexorably able to hit Richard Rodgers in the end zone to win the game. I’m calling it: that is the most Lions thing ever. EVER. If something can top that, I’m not sure the world would be ready for it…

Join myself and your fellow readers in a special Razzball-only Contest! Buy-in is just $5.00 and the top-5 finishers in a 22-team league are all part of the prize pool! Sign up here!

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Why can’t we all just be friends? Random terror attacks all over the world is bad news. My neighbors, a family I had grown up with since I was 10 years old, were actually in Paris when the attack struck. Not fun times. Yesterday at a soccer game between Netherlands and Germany they had to suspend the game due to a potential terror attack. Freakin’ scumbags. I challenge y’all to a fantasy football duel, courtesy of draftkings, to settle this once and for all. There is a new Prime Minister of Canada, Justin Trudeau, in case you guys were wondering. Apparently he is one of the most beautiful world leaders ever to grace this earth. I would like to see him face Tehol 1 on 1 down the runway, who can create the better Blue Steel. Picture that scenario in your heads right now. Do it. Now that you’ve had to change your pants, let’s talk some football.

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I struggled to pick the team I wanted to talk about today. On one hand, I want to offer you nice exciting players that will do well going forwards, maybe some forgotten players; on the other hand I also want to give you struggling teams that have players to avoid that are generally high marquee guys, so that you don’t overvalue them and fall flat on your face. So I’ve decided to find a team that has both to offer you the best of both worlds! Side note: Celine Dion is performing six live shows in Quebec, Canada if anyone is interested. She is far better than other Canadian artists such as the rude and socially unacceptable Justin Bieber or the narcissistic, selfish, and lackluster Drake. Tehol’s favorite, Tyrod Taylor came back last week and had an average performance that left my team just 10 points shy of a win. Ef you Tehol. Sorry, I didn’t mean it, I love you.

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