So, if you don’t know what to make of this year so far, join my club. I just started it, but looking at the numbers… yes, it appears the entire Earth is already a member. There are so many fascinating and ridiculous and unfortunate and just plain dumb things happening all around us this year, it’s no wonder that Wes Welker took a Molly. Wait a second… WHAT IF WE’RE ALL ON MOLLY? It’s almost as if Rust Cohle is writing my life at the moment. “Someone once told me, ‘Time is a flat circle.’ Everything we’ve ever done or will do, we’re gonna do over and over and over again.” Alright-alright-alright. I’ll be sure to tell my grand kids about that. In the meantime, I’ll have to seek out some kind of solution as how to grasp the events that this season has wrought upon us all. I hear whiskey is nice this time of the year…
Chagers – 22, Bills – 10
Philip Rivers – 18/25, 256 YDS, 2 TD and 2 CAR, 11 YDS. Yesterday’s victory bolo:
Donald Brown – 31 CAR, 62 YDS and 5 CAR, 27 YDS. I still feel like I get to say I told you so here, seeing as how his YPG makes Trent Richardson look like, I don’t know, a somewhat (emphasis on somewhat) flex option… probably. Look for Brown to get the majority of carries from here on out (remember, Danny Woodhead was listed as the starter for a reason), but I wouldn’t expect gaudy RB1 numbers here. And keep an eye on Branden Oliver, especially in deep leagues.
Danny Woodhead – 1 CAR, 1 YDS. Suffered a severe high ankle sprain with a fractured fibular on the first drive of the game and will need season-ending surgery. Maybe if he rubs some grit into it, he’ll be fine?
Eddie Royal – 4 REC, 42 YDS, 2 TD. Would not be surprised if Royal takes over the role of Danny Woodhead for the rest of the season. Just without all the grit.
Keenan Allen – 2 REC, 17 YDS. Just be patient. Breathe. Breathe. AH, AH, breath…
Antonio Gates – 1 REC, 8 YDS. There are going to be days like this, especially after a game where he goes off. Defenses tend to focus on him a bit more, allowing bit-players like Malcom Floyd and Eddie Royal to contribute.
E.J. Manuel – 23/39, 238 YDS, TD and 5 CAR, 24 YDS. E.J. Moronuel… the derp runs deep with FSU quarterbacks, it seems.
Fred Jackson – 6 CAR, 34 YDS and 8 REC, 78 YDS, 1 TD. I find this tandem the worst in the NFL, only because you have to decide which back will the the most productive, and whichever one you go with, the other is the producer for that day.
C.J. Spiller – 10 CAR, 25 YDS and 3 REC, 37 YDS. Built to Spiller!
Cowboys – 34, Rams – 31
Tony Romo – 18/23, 217 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT and 3 CAR, 14 YDS. Roughing the Romo shouldn’t be a penalty, teams should get a bonus for that.
DeMarco Murray – 24 CAR, 100 YDS, 1 TD and 4 REC, 31 YDS, 1 FUM. DeMarco Murray continuing to do very DeMarco things! ETA for a DeMarco injury? Soonish.
Dez Bryant – 6 REC, 89 YDS, 1 TD. Dez Bryant: Good at football.
Terrence Williams – 2 REC, 32 YDS, 1 TD. Terrence Williams sighting! I was getting worried, it’s been three weeks since I’ve seen him.
Austin Davis – 30/42, 327 YDS, 3 TD, 2 INT and 2 CAR, -1 YDS. That Austin Davis pick-six late in the game was a tribute to Cowboys legend Tony Romo, who was in the stadium last night.
Zac Stacy – 12 CAR, 67 YDS and 5 REC, 54 YDS. Was present, if not spectacular. Cunningham continued to look good in spurts (eww), and Trey Watts proved he exists on the team, but Stacy still remains the lead back.
Brian Quick – 2 REC, 62 YDS, 1 TD. He’s my new Kenny Stills, in that he’s a sleeper wide receiver that’ll not produce as soon as I say something positive about him. So drop him everywhere. Don’t do that.
Washington Football Team – 34, Eagles – 37
Nick Foles – 27/41, 325 YDS, 3 TD and 4 CAR, 12 YDS. Foles must’ve had a firm talking to by his mother before the game. Next Sunday, he’ll have to perfect his one-step drop with the collection of turnstiles that are going to be in front of him.
LeSean McCoy – 19 CAR, 22 YDS and 1 REC, 0 YDS. I know the OL was in shambles, but Shady did not look right after the big hit he took in the 1st half. He did leave briefly to be checked for a concussion, but the results were negative. Still, he just looked off, and that is my professional medical opinion. So probably don’t take me seriously.
Jeremy Maclin – 8 REC, 154 YDS, 1 TD. 900 yards of offense with none of it going to McCoy or Sproles? I call bullsh*t.
Kirk Cousins – 20/48, 427 YDS, 3 TD, 1 INT and 3 CAR, 5 YDS. Kirk Cousins could be the next Tony Romo with a little more polish!
DeSean Jackson – 5 REC, 117 YDS, 1 TD. THE DJAX ATTAX. Now with more gang affiliations!
Texans – 17, Giants – 30
Eli Manning – 21/28, 234 YDS, 2 TD and 1 CAR, -1 YDS. Eli played better than Peyton yesterday. Then again, Eli was playing against a team nobody really knows anything about… so that probably helped.
Rashad Jennings – 34 CAR, 176 YDS, 1 TD. I don’t know if it’s because the Texans are awful, but Jennings might just be a beast.
Victor Cruz – 5 REC, 107 YDS, 1 TD. All it took for Cruz to breakthrough was to play a team that, to many, doesn’t even exist.
Ryan Fitzpatrick – 20/34, 289 YDS, 1 TD, 3 INT and 7 CAR, 34 YDS. Did you know that Ryan Fitzpatrick went to Harvard? I’m surprised that no one ever mentions that.
Alfred Blue – 13 CAR, 78 YDS and 1 REC, 10 YDS. Did most of his damage on just a few runs, and while he is the official handcuff, there’s nothing here that motivates me to grab him from the waiver wire unless you own Arian Foster, is expected to be ready on Sunday. Which means he’s probably out 4-6 weeks.
Vikings – 9, Saints – 20
Drew Brees – 27/35, 293 YDS, 2 TD and 3 CAR, -2 YDS. STOP THROWING TO PEOPLE WHO AREN’T JIMMY GRAHAM.
Khiry Robinson – 18 CAR, 69 YDS. The Saints coaching staff said he was ready for the heavy workload, so maybe we need to get their definition of heavy and workload.
Jimmy Graham – 6 REC, 54 TDS. Did you know that Jimmy Graham used to play basketball? I’m surprised that no one ever mentions that.
Teddy Bridgewater – 12/20, 150 YDS and 6 CAR, 27 YDS. “Teddy Bridgewater pass incomplete to Matt Asiata for -5 yards.” That was an actual play. I’m going to let that sink in for a minute.
Matt Cassel – 5/10, 53 YDS and 1 CAR, 5 YDS. Fractured several bones in his foot and looks to be out indefinitely. The Cassel has be sieged. (Farts, leaves room.)
Matt Asiata – 12 CAR, 35 YDS and 3 REC, 27 YDS. Just going out on a limb here, but I think the Vikings really miss Adrian Peterson.
Jerick McKinnon – 2 CAR, -1 YDS and 2 REC, 9 YDS. Many have pointed to McKinnon being the more talented back. Maybe Patterson was standing behind him and they were actually pointing at him?
Titans – 7, Bengals – 33
Andy Dalton – 15/23, 169 YDS, 1 INT and 3 CAR, 3 YDS and 1 REC, 18 YDS, 1 TD. Strangely enough, got his only TD as receiver from a Mohamed Sanu pass, leading me to believe that perhaps they should make this switch a permanent thing.
Giovani Bernard – 14 CAR, 47 YDS, 2 TD and 1 REC, 7 YDS. Despite the two touchdowns, I continue to be kind of meh on Bernard. His best run was a 12-yard gain, and Jeremy Hill continues to be a factor.
A.J. Green – 6 REC, 102 YDS. Sooo, who is this guy’s doctor and how can the Chargers kidnap him?
Bishop Sankey – 10 CAR, 61 YDS and 1 REC, 9 YDS. Sankey finally emerged from wherever was hiding, and while Shonn Greene is still the primary back, if you still own Sankey, this is nothing but good news. If you have space, I’d try to get him back on your team as his role hopefully expands.
Kendall Wright – 5 REC, 44 YDS. I may have gotten this one wrong. He’s certainly still PPR viable, and I’ll withhold judgement for a bit longer, but I’m not liking what I’m seeing from this offense so far.
Ravens – 23, Browns – 21
Lorenzo Taliaferro – 18 CAR, 91 YDS, 1 TD. While Bernard Pierce is likely to be starting next Sunday, Taliaferro’s role has to expand with yesterday’s production, and he’s certainly worthy of a waiver wire add, league context withstanding of course.
Dennis Pitta – 3 REC, 12 YDS. You know it’s a bad injury when they need two separate carts to take Pitta off. He suffered a right hip dislocation, the same hip Pitta dislocated and fractured in 2013. He’ll undergo a MRI later today, but it looks likely that he’s done for the season. Owen Daniels is now the primary tight end, which makes me feel like I traveled back in time to 2009. WHY DO YOU TAKE OUR PLAYERS SO YOUNG, LORD?
Isiah Crowell – 11 CAR, 55 YDS, 1 TD. Cue everyone falling all over themselves to pick up Isaiah Crowell. Yes, he was more effective than West, but if everything stays on schedule, Ben Tate should be returning in Week 5, which complicates everything.
Terrence West – 12 CAR, 36 YDS, 1 TD and 2 REC, 5 YDS. Did the Browns just clone an extra Trent Richardson before the trade, or is that an entirely different person? I couldn’t tell yesterday.
Miles Austin – 6 CAR, 51 YDS, 1 TD. Hey, a Miles Austin sighting. Now I know for sure I traveled back in time to 2009.
Packers – 7, Lions – 19
Matthew Stafford – 22/34, 246 YDS, 2 INT and 6 CAR, 8 YDS. I could throw 34 passes just to Megatron against the Packers defense and do better than that.
Reggie Bush – 12 CAR, 61 YDS, 1 TD and 6 REC, 38 YDS. THIS LIONS OFFENSE, I CALL IT BOARDWALK EMPIRE, BECAUSE IT FEATURES A GRATUITOUS AMOUNT OF BUSH.
Aaron Rodgers – 16/27, 162 YDS, 1 TD. It’s so easy to blame Dom Capers, I’m going to keep doing it.
Eddie Lacy – 11 CAR, 36 YDS and 1 REC, 9 YDS. Who replaced Eddie Lacy with David Wilson? I’m not panicking yet, but I do feel concerned. Should you feel concerned that I’m concerned? Maybe. He has gone against three-straight good rushing defenses, so let’s see how he fares with the Chicago Bears, who will be playing on a short week.
Jordy Nelson – 5 REC, 59 YDS. Hey, where did all my Jordy points go?
Colts – 44, Jaguars – 17
Andrew Luck – 31/39, 370 YDS, 4 TD and 3 CAR, 15 YDS. Sooo, guess which quarterback faces off against the Jags next Sunday? Yeah, Philip Rivers is your must-start of week 4.
Ahmad Bradshaw – 9 CAR, 65 YDS and 2 REC, 18 YDS, 1 TD – Making me look prescient. Pretty is another ‘p’ word we can go with here.
Trent Richardson – 14 CAR, 57 YDS and 3 REC, 23 YDS. Had one run for 27 yards (yes… forward yards… these things happen against the Jags), and then proceeded to carry the ball 13 times for 30 yards for a 2.14 YPC. Sounds. About. Right.
Dwayne Allen – 4 REC, 43 YDS, 1 TD. I still think he’s the better tight end and would expect him to finish the year with better numbers, but Coby Fleener is still sticking around for some reason. I’m not quite sure what that reason is yet…
Hakeem Nicks – 4 REC, 50 YDS, 1 TD. What? Hakeem Nicks AND Touchdown in the same sentence, not bridged with the phrase ‘drops a sure’? WHAT WORLD IS THIS?
Blake Bortles – 14/24, 223 YDS, 2 TD, 2 INT and 2 CAR, 30 YDS. THINGS ARE HAPPENING IN THE BORT ERA…THEY CROSSED THE 50 YARD LINE!
Toby Gerhart – 9 CAR, 32 YDS and 2 REC, 31 YDS. Uhhh, yeah. Go home Toby, you’re drunk.
Allen Hurns – 1 REC, 63 YDS, 1 TD. I feel like there should have been more than 3 targets here… but these are the Jaguars we’re talking about, so maybe we should feel lucky here.
Raiders – 9, Patriots – 16
Darren McFadden – 18 CAR, 59 YDS and 4 REC, 6 YDS. I can’t decide if McFadden is incredibly lucky to still be on the Raiders team, or incredibly unlucky…
Tom Brady – 24/37, 234 YDS, 1 TD and 3 CAR, -7 YDS. Hard for me to try and sink the Dreamboat, but something’s off. I can’t exactly pinpoint it, but I’m going to have to assume that he hasn’t been fulfilling his daily regiment of wearing Uggs for at least 21 hours.
Shane Vereen – 7 CAR, 20 YDS and 4 REC, 17 YDS. I’m getting a little tired waiting for Vereen to do something fantasy relevant.
Rob Gronkowski – 3 REC, 44 YDS, 1 TD. The strategy of using Gronk as little as possible to keep him healthy seems to be working so far.
49ers – 14, Cardinals – 23
Drew Stanton – 18/33, 244 YDS, 2 TD and 6 CAR, 16 YDS. The strategy of bombing it and hoping someone catches it appears to have finally worked. I’m still not quite sure how the 49ers lost to the Bears, and that feeling stayed with me after this game as well. Maybe there just not that good? Then again, the Cardinals are 3-0. WEIRD.
Andre Ellington – 18 CAR, 62 YDS and 3 REC, 13 YDS. If Andre Ellington needs a nickname, can I nominate Duke of Ellington?
Michael Floyd – 5 REC, 114 YDS. Raise your hand if this is the game you sat him. I count 498,654,112,564 hands. That feels like a correct number.
John Brown – 4 REC, 52 YDS, 2 TD. So, I feel like Larry Fitzgerald is now John Brown’s handcuff.
Larry Fitzgerald – 3 REC, 34 YDS. I get the profound feeling that Stanton is just trolling all Fitzgerald owners. New game: Guess what Larry Fitzgerald did that resulted in him no longer being part of the Cards offense… go!
Colin Kaepernick – 29/37, 245 YDS, 1 TD and 13 CAR, 54 YDS. A pretty up-and-down day for an up-and-down quarterback. Which makes him sound like he’s getting in some good glute workouts. I haven’t even thought about Week 4 rankings yet, but the Eagles match-up seems like a good one at the moment.
Michael Crabtree – 10 REC, 80 YDS, 1 TD. His second straight 80-yard game and with a missing Vernon Davis, which pretty much makes him the number one option for Kaepernick.
Chiefs – 34, Dolphins – 15
Kniles Davis – 32 CAR, 132 YDS, 1 TD. 1 FUM. He actually fumbled twice, but only lost one… still, a pretty good day. Jamaal Charles looks set to return next week against New England, but you obviously have to hold here and see how everything plays out.
Justin McKnight – 6 REC, 64 YDS, 2 TD. It’s hard to prove, but I’m pretty sure both those touchdowns were vultured from Davis.
Lamar Miller – 15 CAR, 108 YDS and 4 REC, 24 YDS. Lamar did a good?
Brian Hartline – 3 REC, 25 YDS, 1 TD. Brian Hartline… outperforming Larry Fitzgerald for 2014. Let’s think about that for a minute.
Broncos – 20, Seahawks – 26
Russell Wilson – 24/34, 258 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT and 9 CAR, 40 YDS. If the Broncos had about 15-20 minutes, I think they really could have figured out how to stop Wilson’s running attack. “Go Hawks!”
Marshawn Lynch – 26 CAR, 88 YDS, 1 TD and 3 REC, 40 YDS, 1 TD. Is Seattle’s offense that good or is Denver’s defense that bad? Yes.
Peyton Manning – 31/49, 303 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT and 1 CAR, -1 YDS. Peyton’s going to murder everyone, Papa Johns-only diet for a month.
“You ever get tired of throwing touchdowns?” “Not until February…”
Montee Ball – 14 CAR, 38 YDS and 2 REC, 6 YDS. Well, the Broncos’ running game definitely isn’t a huge waste of anyone’s time and an excuse to burn perfectly good downs. I mean, more like Monte “fumbling the ” Ball, amirght? Just sayin’…
Demaryius Thomas – 4 REC, 31 YDS. So is throwing to your #1 receiver not a popular thing to do nowadays?
Wes Welker – 6 REC, 60 YDS. THIS GUY WES WELKER, LET ME TELL YA, I CALL HIM WHISKEY IN THE JAR BECAUSE HE TOOK MOLLY WITH HIM BUT DID NOT KNOW THE DANGER.
Steelers – 37, Panthers – 19
Ben Roethlisberger – 22/30, 196 YDS, 2 TD and 1 CAR, 1 YDS. Ben did good? Nightmare fuel for everyone!
Le’Veon Bell – 21 CAR, 147 YDS and 2 REC, 10 YDS. LeGarrette Blount – 10 CAR, 118 YDS, 1 TD. Break out the Blount, then go to the Bell is pretty much how I spent college. Solid strategy here.
Antonio Brown – 10 REC, 90 YDS, 2 TD. Antonio Brown is going to lead the league in horizontal yards after the catch. Honestly, no one runs 45 yards sideways and backwards to gain three yards of forward progress like Brown does.
Heath Miller – 4 REC, 51 YDS. Heath Miller is the fastest stationary object in the league.
Cam Newton – 24/35, 250 YDS, 1 TD and 2 CAR, 7 YDS, 1 FUM. Obviously, we need him to injure some more ribs here. Obviously.
Jonathan Stewart – 5 CAR, 31 YDS. Remains the primary rushing option for the Panthers, which is a ridicolous concept. Every time I see him run, he looks like he wants to hit the pause button in the middle of the play to figure things out.
Kelvin Benjamin – 8 REC, 115 YDS, 1 TD. He’s apparently just a WR3 in even-numbered weeks and a WR1 in odd-numbered weeks. Protip: Next Sunday is Week 4.
Greg Olsen – 5 REC, 69 YDS, 1 TD. The GREG OLSEN WATCH CONTINUES. Now only 67 REC, 747 YDS, and 7 TD away from my projections!
